Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What's White and Sticky and In a Napkin?

As servers, we are used to getting our hands dirty. Whether it is reaching into that nasty ass bus tub to get a fork because table 18 needs one right away and you'd rather get a dirty one right here and wash it than walk all the way to the dish room or cleaning the fucking ketchup bottles, our hands are constantly filthy. Thankfully, we all wash them continuously so that our hands are clean and sanitized when we handle the bread for our customers. (That's funny.) Anyhoo, I was re-setting my station the other day and going through the room picking up all the trash off the tables so they could be wiped down. The usual was there; bev naps, straw wrappers, cocktail sippy straw thingies, etc. I was just making a sweep grabbing it all with my hands when I picked up a napkin that was sopping wet. The napkin was balled up and inside it was some wet sticky substance that oozed through my finger and got all up in my joory. My mind raced:

Oh shit, what the fuck is in this napkin? Did somebody just blow their nose and leave the Kleenex here and now their snot is all in my hand? This better not be fucking snot. I will be so pissed off if I look down and see a fucking booger hanging off my ring. Or spooge. Do not tell me someone just spooged all up in a bev nap and now I am holding it. I do not get paid enough to hold spooge in my hand. I get $4.65 an hour and spooge-holding definitely requires at least $7.00 an hour. And it's sticky too. Oh shit, it's spooge. I know it's spooge. I have the spooge of a stranger in my hand. Okay, I'm gonna look down and see what it is. Here I go. Oh God! It's white! And creamy! And sticky. It is so totally spooge. Goddammit, who the fuck leaves spooge in a bev nap? That's it, I quit. If I am gonna be a spooge catcher I may as well place an ad on craigslist and get paid the big bucks. I can see the ad now: "let me catch your spooge in my hand and you pay me seven dollars." Yuck. Gross. I am gonna throw up. I am so totally going to throw up. This is nastier than a soggy biscuit. It's spooge. Spoooooooge!

As I started to pass out from anger, frustration and disgust, I noticed a coffee cup on the table and remembered what the lady at the table had ordered. She had an Irish Coffee. With whipped cream. Apparently, she didn't want the whipped cream so she scooped it off and placed it on the napkin that was now in my hand. "Oh, it's whipped cream. Never mind."





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27 comments:

  1. HostessTwinkieJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:40 AM

    You almost made me vomit at my desk. :-) Nice.

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  2. tiffJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:42 AM

    I'm sitting here at work, silently laughing as hard as I can. You are too funny.

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  3. SusanJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    Our hands are constantly filthy. I just dropped a hefty penny at Bath and Body works trying to repair the hand damage washing them 78 times a day does.

    Love your blog.

    Susan

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  4. AshleyJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:47 AM

    I know how it feels...
    Once a guy handed me napkins full of his son's pee. The kid had an accident on his chair and they used their CLOTH napkins to wipe it up. Incredible.

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  5. donna freakin' reedJanuary 11, 2011 at 11:51 AM

    Omg, I truly just threw up a bit in my mouth remembering a similar situation I encountered as a bartender at a strip club. It wasn't a happy ending.

    That moment of pure fear, just for a second, the total disgust, then bam, saftey. Nice.

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  6. BBJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:05 PM

    Whewwwww...glad you figured that one out before you passed out! Must have been pretty damn gross.

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  7. The EmpressJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:12 PM

    Two words, vomit chunks!

    Thank gawd it was only whipped cream but you just know that some arsehole somewhere has unkindly left a nasty jizzwad in a napkin that some poor server has been forced to removed. EEEK!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

    PS: The word verification for this comment came up as: NOCOME!

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  8. Practical ParsimonyJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    That was so disgusting. I was feeling a little queasy. Good writing.

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  9. NoelleJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    eeww! I don't think I would have let my imagination go that far. lol! At least it was only whipped topping.

    Dudes really do blow there noses in cloth napkins. Staff watch dogs pass that info onto others. They are so nice to each other at least when it comes to snot. ugh!

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  10. NoelleJanuary 11, 2011 at 12:48 PM

    Pee in a napkin? how kind of him! gross!

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  11. VenomJanuary 11, 2011 at 1:20 PM

    Dry hands suggestion: a farmer's friend. Says so right there on the tin - Burt's Bees hand salve. Totally exceeds it's own promise.

    Have added Bitchy Waiter to my scrolling blogroll, just fyi. Please feel wecome @ Venom, Secrets, & Lies anytime.

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  12. Jennifer KayJanuary 11, 2011 at 1:31 PM

    Dude I totally knew it was gonna be spooge. Thanks for keeping me on the edge of my seat until the end.

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  13. Dr. McCoyJanuary 11, 2011 at 1:57 PM

    I don't know how you work without rubber gloves. I think I was more grossed out by the snot.

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  14. Mark WJanuary 11, 2011 at 2:01 PM

    ... and spooge-holding definitely requires at least $7.00 an hour.

    That made me laugh out loud, literally.

    I'd do it for $5, though... Tough times and all that.

    (ps. MY verification word is "dirty.")

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  15. Derby WallusJanuary 11, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    Oddly enough, I had a similar experience at my place of work. I was the newb at the time, so I ended up being delegated to clean the bathrooms. Since we only have one bathroom for each gender, and they are both wheelchair accessible I didn't think it would be that bad. Two toilets, sanitize a sink...no problem. However, when I got to the boys bathroom a young, and probably very drunk, couple stumbles out. My first clue should have been their messy hair and clothes but I went in anyways...
    I won't tell you what I saw...but it was horrific.
    I walked right out of the bathroom, straight to my manager and said "You cannot pay me enough to clean up the mess in the boys bathroom," handed him the mop, and walked back to my regular position.
    Thank god I'm no longer the newb at work. Now I delegate people to clean those messes for me. xD

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  16. Bar Harbor WaitressJanuary 11, 2011 at 2:32 PM

    yeah, friggin gross! It's way worse than the parents leaveing their kid's mess... but one day i had a father leave his kid's vomit all over the table and chair... and i don't mean a cute little baby spit up... i mean 7 year old kid's upchuck!
    Thanks pal!

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  17. Mary A.January 11, 2011 at 3:07 PM

    my gag reflex is still going. And who the fuck doesn't want whipped cream??? Whipped cream is good on everything. It sure as hell makes spooge easier to swallow. I'm just saying.

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  18. KathrynJanuary 11, 2011 at 4:46 PM

    OMG - that was hilarious!!!!

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  19. Imperfect MeJanuary 12, 2011 at 2:58 AM

    Thanks for the laugh! I was so waiting for it to be spooge.

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  20. Dan-kunJanuary 12, 2011 at 3:20 AM

    That was really funny

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  21. MaryxJanuary 12, 2011 at 3:31 AM

    OMG that's disturbing. But I can relate... Waitresses unite! I was def sure I had spooge right there!

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  22. "Professor" M.January 12, 2011 at 10:39 AM

    Never before have I heard a spooge rant, but you, in your usual style, made it work. Hilarious thoughts that ran through your head as you guessed the contents of the napkin! Thank you for a hilarious, albeit disgusting post. Each time I read you, I remember why I chose to do stop waiting tables. Of course, now I am a middle school teacher, so the contents of napkins is always in question for me now, too.

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  23. JeffJanuary 12, 2011 at 11:43 AM

    Holy Shit. I laughed so hard I almost SPOOGED!!!!

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  24. ToniJanuary 12, 2011 at 12:58 PM

    Hilarious.

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  25. Diane F.January 12, 2011 at 3:10 PM

    OMG! I can't breathe! I can't stop laughing. Hysterical is a great color on me, by the way.

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  26. DirtyDisherJanuary 12, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    Jebus, that was hilarious. Thanks. I once had someone leave a colostomy bag in a booth.

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  27. StephanieJanuary 12, 2011 at 9:21 PM

    OMG!!! That is hilarious!!!!!

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Thanks for your comments. I read every one. I post all of them unless it is mentioning my real name, where I work or the comment is solely to annoy me. If your name is Springs1, fuck you. It ain't gonna happen.