Do NOT Work at Red Lobster

Warning: working at Red Lobster could be dangerous to your health. No, I am not talking about grazing on all the fried popcorn shrimp you can eat, I am talking about a particular Red Lobster where customers seem to have no problem beating the hell out of servers.

At a Red Lobster in Fairview Heights, Illinois last week, three woman assaulted their waitress for filling up their water glasses too often. Yes, this waitress was trying to do her job and was paid back, not with a 15% tip, but with a glass that hit her in the back of the head and then a dessert menu to the face. The three delicate flowers are now facing felony assault charges while the waitress is facing a severe case of "why the fuck do I work at Red Lobster?" The server was treated at the scene but stayed at work. I do not understand that. Had a customer hit me in the head with a glass, my ass would be rolling on the floor yelping in pain as I hit 1-800- SUE A BITCH on my speed dial. This is the same restaurant that just six months ago was home to a beat down when four women kicked the ass of their waitress after she brought out the wrong food. I have some advice for all those servers at that Red Lobster:

What the hell are you doing there? Get out, now. Even in the best case scenario, working at a Red Lobster is a crap job but you are willing to be at one where you have to have a security guard stationed at every table? How much money are you pocketing  there that is making it worth while? I looked at your restaurant on Google Maps and I see that right down the street is a Joe's Crab Shack, Olive Garden, TGI Friday's and a place called Ginger Buffet. Sure, all those places suck too, but at least they haven't been on the news yet because some bitch is attacking your ass. Red Lobster's slogan is "Come see what's fresh today" not "Come sit in my station and kick my teeth out." This replaced the old slogan "For the seafood lover in you" which in Fairview, Illinois translated to "Fuck you bitch, I ain't ordered the Seafood Shrimp Trio, I had the Admiral's Feast. Get the fuck out my face."
 
I went to the Red Lobster website and found their mission statement. After reading it though a couple of times, I thought it needed some tweaking. Hopefully, they will see my suggestions and take them to heart:

Here at Red Lobster we’re passionate ambivalent about serving our guests great seafood everything. It’s why we go the extra mile to bring you the best most dangerous dining experience possible. Our fishermen importers take pride in catching thawing out only the highest quality seafood and the freshest fish. Our grill master’s line cook's expertly perfect flavors, cooking seafood and steak over a wood fire grill cook. And our servers pull out all the stops wear padding and bullet proof vests to make every dining experience feel extra special moderately safe. It’s our passion. It’s our pride. Because at Red Lobster, we Sea Food Differently that our customers are trashy but we just don't care.℠

I wonder if anyone reading this blog works at a Red Lobster. If so, would you care to share with us some insight as to how something like this might happen? I don't get it. I have had customers get upset about things, but it has never gotten to the point where I felt in danger. Is this something that anyone else has experienced? Also, what would you do if someone threw a glass at you? Continue working or go the fuck home? That question is easy for me. I wouldn't have been there in the first place unless they were having a "buy one get three free" cocktail special at the bar.



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Put a Spork In It

You know I love it when I can put a customer in his place. Like when they are arguing that the menu says one thing when I know good and well that it says something else. Nothing is more fun than letting some douche hat paint himself into a corner and then smacking him upside the head with a cold dose of reality when I tell him what he is saying is wrong. How fun is it when someone complains that their sandwich has onions on it and "it should say that on the menu" and then we get to point to the menu that says "served with onions." The customer always makes that face that always make laugh. Do this and you will know what I mean. (No, seriously, do it.) Scowl your eyebrows, flare your nostrils, purse your lips and inhale through your nose all at the same time. Did you do it? It's the look that says, "Oh my God, I am so embarrassed and I need to shut the fuck up." Someone sent me a little story recently (holla, Chris C.) and it made me happy. Read this:

(At a Red Lobster In Macon, Georgia) A few months ago at work I had a grown man ask me for "plastic culinary" and when I stared at him with a puzzled look on my face he laughed (a deep pretentious laugh), looked around at the ladies sitting at the table, smiled like an asshole and said, "You know, a plastic knife, spoon, and fork? Culinary. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have expected you to know that." I just smiled and said, "I believe the word you're trying to embarrass me with is 'cutlery' - 'culinary' is used in relation to cooking or a kitchen and not the utensils."

Oh, how I wish I could have been there when that man did "the look" because you know he did it in an extra hard way. He was all trying to be impressive with his use of an SAT word that had four syllables in it and ended up looking like a Taco Supreme Ass Hole. Like he thinks that the waiter couldn't possibly know what "culinary" or "cutlery" is. And why the hell did he want plastic fucking utensils anyway? He's at Red fucking Lobster. Isn't the all-you-can-eat shrimp plastic enough? Is he one of those assholes who always ask for a cup of hot water so he can wash his silverware in it before it enters his precious germ-free pie hole? I can just see the guy now, in his JC Penney tie on his lunch break from his cubicle where he answers the phone for Georgia Power and Electric. Or maybe he was the boss and he took his secretary and assistant out to lunch for Appreciation Day at the Red Lobster because the TGIFriday's was too crowded. I hope he eventually got his plastic cutlery and as he tried to break into that lobster tail with his plastic knife, I hope it snapped in two and sent melted butter all over his pleated Dockers leaving a stain right at the crotch so it looked like he went to the bathroom and did a little dribble.

People like that piss me off. I'd like to tell him where he can put that plastic utensil. Hey buddy, spork off.




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