I Want to Poke Moe in the Eyes With a Fork

I am blogging a fine line when talking about my new job, but I just can't not do it. It's in my blood. It's in my veins and my heart and the tiny little capillaries in my eyes that are especially noticeable today from too much drinking. I work with someone I shall refer to as Moe. Not because his name is Moe or because he has an unfortunate haircut, but because I want to poke him in the eyes with my fingers and then hold his nose with my left hand and swing my right arm around and slap my hand from his face. He makes me that crazy. All day, he constantly follows me and makes sure I am doing everything right. He gets all up in my station and deals with my tables which I do not like at all. I also think it's confusing for a customer when they have more than one waiter helping them. I had a table last night that had an empty glass of water on it because the man had told me he didn't want any more water. But Moe sees it and thinks I am being a lazy insolent waiter and grabs the pitcher and runs over to fill the glass. I saw him go up to one of my tables and recite the dessert specials even though I had already done it and was seconds away from bringing them their cake. He'll tell me that a table needs more bread as I am already walking to the bread station to get it. It's freaking annoying, but what can I do? I'm the new guy and he has been there for about four score and seven years. Maybe he is just making sure I am doing as fine a job as he is, but from what I have seen, I wouldn't want him as my server. I have yet to see him smile and he starts telling the specials as people are taking off their coats. Dude, slow the hell down. I know our goal is to "turn 'em and burn 'em" but let the folks at least sit down a second. I have also noticed that as soon as they put the last bite of entree in their mouth, he spews out dessert specials. Slow the fuck down.

One night Moe had picked up the check from one of my tables to run the credit card because he thought he was helping me and I guess I was moving way too slow. He handed me their check and told me they had paid half in cash and half on the card. I took it to the table and said good night to them. They left no tip that I saw, so I assumed that they had already given it to Moe with the cash. Since we pool, I didn't worry about it. A few minutes later he came up to me. "Did they leave a tip??" "No," I said. "They didn't already give it to you when they gave you the cash?" Moe got all upset and was like, "No! They paid $46 on the card and paid the other $46 in cash. They gave me sixty dollars so I gave them back fourteen in change. Did you ask them if there was a problem with the service?" Well, no asshole, I didn't because I didn't know they were stiffing us since you were all up in my business. I know what happened though. They were three women chatting and they just weren't paying attention. I heard one of them say "we already took care of it" so maybe they thought the way they divided it up had included the tip. It didn't, but since I didn't know what was going on, I never questioned it. Moe was all pissy but what the fuck was I supposed to do? Had he just let me deal with MY table from beginning to end, it could have been avoided. And now he probably thinks I gave them shitty service or I pocketed the tip or I am clueless when really, it's his fault.

So, Moe. Keep your stubby hands off my tables. I've been waiting tables since The Flintstones so I have plenty of experience. You know that part in the opening credits of The Flintstones when the waitress brings out the huge rack of ribs and it flips the car? That waitress is me. In drag. And I was a cartoon. Yes, I have been waiting tables since dinosaur days. If Moe doesn't back off, this Curly is gonna get all up in his face and Shemp his Larry ass.

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Dear Lady at Table 32,

Here is a brief list of all things I wanted to say to Table 32 a few days ago:

• Do you really need to be reseated that many times in order to find the perfect seat?
• It's tacky to tip the host and then still complain about where you're sat.
  
• The drink has Blue Curacao in it, so yes it is actually going to be blue.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey asked me to tell you to give them their accent back.
• That blouse looks like it came from the $5 and under bin at Chico's.
• Black is not slimming.
• You have on way too many sequins. The only person wearing that many sequins should be on an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" or be named Liza Minnelli.
  
• You don't need to call me over to hand me an empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
• I see that your reservation was for two but you are alone now. You don't have to tell me that you decided to take yourself out tonight. It's obvious that your husband bailed on you and is at home relishing the two hours of solitude and trying to recall what it's like to not have his ears bleed from the sound of your voice.
  
• Your hair is scaring me. And scarring me. For life. Frosted is not pretty.
  
• You don't need to call me over to hand me another empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
• Do you really need more napkins or are you just trying to think of something to ask for every time I walk by you?
• Seriously bitch, stop calling me over to take empty shit from your fucking table.
• Using the phrase "it's a delight" does not make you sophisticated. It makes me think you heard it on that episode of "The Three Stooges" when they were plumbers at that fancy party and that one snobby rich lady said it.
• Using the phrase "it's a delight" more than six or seven times makes me think you are supremely dumb and a trifle desperate.
• Yes, I can get you an order of hummus and chips.
• Yes, I can get you more chips.
  
• I see you waving me down again. Let me guess. Your plate is empty and you want me to take it. Stop it.
• The people next to you are sick of hearing you talk. They don't know you and don't want to be your friend.
• Yes, I will get your check for you. You don't have to ask me for that. It's on my list of things to give to you along with a dirty look and a fist up your puss.
• Yes, we take American Express. Your American Express card does not impress me. It's a green one.
  
• You looked stupid when you took a picture of the performer after her show and told her she was "a delight." Enough with that phrase already.
• I hate you. You annoy me. Don't come back.

Things I actually said to Table 32 a few days ago:

• Can I take your order?
• Yes, ma'am.
• Good bye.
  

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