Asshole in Times Square

In my never-ending attempt to gain fame, fortune and a new pair of shoes that don't come from Payless, I have come across a new contest that could help satisfy my craving for attention. About Me is a new website that lets us do more of the same shit we all do on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, You Tube, Tumblr, Flickr, Vimeo, Wordpress, Blogger and Friendster: promote ourselves. However, About Me is having a contest to choose someone to be on a billboard in Times Square and of course I want to win it.

Believe it or not (I'm walking on air) it would not be the first time I have been on a billboard in Times Square. I speak the truth. About four years ago, I came across an add on Craigslist that was looking for people who were willing to have their butts photographed for an ad campaign for a new toilet. I submitted for it and was called in to do a test shoot for a hundred bucks. I thought it would be totally weird and creepy but it ended up being just a little bit weird and creepy. At the studio were two women and two men who were going to shoot my ass. They gave me a robe and pointed to a little room where I was to go change. Once undressed, I was escorted to the camera area. They had arranged it so that there was cardboard surrounding every thing except where my butt would be seen and they told me whenever I was ready, I could disrobe. "Am I really doing this? Is this crazy? Is this going to end up on a website for people obsessed with average asses?" I dropped the robe and mentally prepared. The photographer gave me two pieces of direction; bring your legs a little closer together and don't clench. "Great," I thought. "That was his way of saying I can see your balls and you look like you're holding in a fart." I did as I was told and three minutes later we were done. I looked at the shots and I was pleasantly surprised that my ass looked kinda nice. I'd never seen a picture of it. They paid me with five crisp twenty dollar bills and told me they would let me know if they would be using the image.

Three weeks later, the call came that I never expected to get. They picked my butt. I would be paid an additional $500 and my ass, along with a few other average assholes, would be on a website for Toto Washlet and also a print campaign. See the picture above? Yep, I am number three, five and six. The print campaign tuned out to be a Times Square billboard. Yes, my ass was in Times Square but not without controversy. The billboard was directly over a church who believed it was inappropriate. They took the matter to court to have it removed and it ended up in the news a lot. My butt was famous. Eventually, a big black bar was painted over the asses in the ad, but there is still evidence of what it looked like before the censorship. Click here to see the ad in Times Square. That's mine on the corner with the blue background. Famous, my ass.

But now I want to be on a Times Square Billboard again but not naked. If you click here, you can then vote for my profile to move me into the twenty finalists. Is it ridiculous and self-serving and altogether silly? Yes. Yes, it is. And I thank you for understanding. It's simple. One click, no registration. Click here and vote. Thanks.

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Do waiters really spit in food?

Yes, Virginia, waiters really do spit in food. But you have to be a really bad little girl to have that happen to you, so most people are okay. I have been slinging hash for about 15 sad bitter years and I have seen it happen. I am not saying that I have ever done such a disgusting thing to a table because that is a little bit too far even for me-oh who the fuck am I kidding? I have done it twice. Once to this prick in Texas who I heard call me a fag to his buddies at the table so he got a big helpin' heapin' dose of Bitchy Waiter Spit in his free refill of Lemonade. I will reserve the other time I did it for another post. Sadly, spitting is not the worst thing I have seen. I worked at this restaurant once where that kind of thing happened a lot. If you ever ate at the Houlihan's in Times Square during the mid-90's I apologize. There was this waitress there who was dealing with the typical ignorant tourist fucks who are dumb enough to eat at tourist trap like Houlihan's. She was taking an order at a really loud obnoxious table and they were not listening to her. They were too excited about going to see Grease or Cats or some other stupid ass Broadway show that only tourists went to. She could not get their attention so someone at the table offered their assistance. He yelled out to his friends, "Hey let this girl do her job since it's probably the only thing she'll ever be good at!" I dunno why someone would say that about someone right before their food would be handled by that same someone, but he did. And he paid. When it came time for the food to come out, we all congregated in the kitchen to see what she was going to do. I will never forget it. First off, she took their plate of ribs and placed it on the floor. Then she stepped on it. Uh huh. They ate her dirty ass shoe germs. The guy with the burger got some very special fries. She took a handful of them and rubbed them all over the wall of the kitchen before putting them back on the plate and that wall was fucking disgusting. This was Times Square Houlihan's people, where we didn't clean and the rats got more shifts than we did. For their soup, someone else had a brilliant idea. They took the soup spoon and licked all over it and then put it on the plate. The waitress who licked all over it was really sick and didn't want to be there so she was in a shitty mood anyway and this was a good "fuck you" to the table and to our manager who made her come in to work. The last diner just got a good fashioned loogie stirred into her Oriental Stir Fry and she served it with a smile. That was good times, people. Good times. You wanna be nice to your server. If you want to be mean, do it after you eat. Never before. Unless you are stupid, in which case be prepared. Farting at your table is not the worst thing that can happen.
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