It's The Day of the Show, Y'all

Believe it or not, I have other talents that do not involve taking food orders and carrying trays. I am currently in a play and tonight is opening night. So instead of slinging hash and rolling my eyes at ho bags who want slices of lemon, tonight I will be on a stage singing and dancing for my paycheck. Shocking though it may be, I will not be waiting tables for a few weeks. Rest assured that I can continue bitching about my job even when I am not actually at the job. Yes, I am that good at bitching. Now you know why a couple of days have passed without writing. I am in a quaint little beach town in Delaware with lots of restaurants and therefore lots of waiters and therefore plenty for me to observe and write about. But for now, I am off to the theater. (Imagine that being said by a grand old dame of acting and it's pronounced the-a-tah.)

love,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. I would tell you what show I am in, but then Anonymous might show up and pelt my ass with rotten eggs.

p.p.s. Bonus points to anyone who can name the movie that this title is quoted from.

I'm on the Broadway

For a lot of people, living in New York City and being a waiter means one thing. Actor. Of course it's a stereotype, but over the years I have come to believe that many stereotypes are based on some hint of truth. It may not be an easy thing to accept, but it does seem to be true. I live in New York City. I am a waiter. Does that mean that I fall under that auspicious umbrella of unemployed actor? Darn tootin' it does. I am one extremely talented and extremely out of work actor. And so are most of the people I work with. It's a fact of life.

When I was working in Times Square's Houlihan's, all I ever served were tourists who were on their way to see Cats or Phantom of the Opera. Tourists are known for being wide-eyed and eager to know about the people who live here so a lot of them would pepper me with questions. "Where do you live?" Where are you from?" "Is the hamburger really $15?" But there was one question I got asked more than any other.

TOURIST: Are you an actor?
ME: Yes.
TOURIST: Oh, how exciting!
ME: Well, not really that exciting.
TOURIST: Have I ever seem you in anything?
ME: Well I dunno, are you accustomed to seeing theater that happens in basements in Brooklyn?
TOURIST: No.
ME: Then, no.
TOURIST: Have you been in any movies?
ME: Yes.
TOURIST: Oh, how exciting! Which ones?
ME: Did you see Across The Universe?
TOURIST: Yes! Were you in that?? Oh my God!
ME: I was in the riot scene. There were 300 of us. I'm the one in the very back about 150 yards from the camera. I had on fake sideburns so that's probably why you don't recognize me.
TOURIST: Oh my God! And are you on Broadway?

Okay. It is Thursday night at 7:20. Every Broadway show is about to start within 45 minutes. Obviously, I am not there. I am here. Holding a tray with dirty dishes and empty glasses on it.

ME: Yes, I am currently starring in Houlihan's the Musical. Right now. You're in too. It's your line.

People asked me that all the time. Like if I was in Chicago or Grease, I would want to keep a few shifts a week at good old Houlihan's just to remember what it was like to wait tables. Bitch, please. Hell, no I ain't on Broadway. I'm a fucking waiter who has to get up at 6:00 AM so I can go get in line at 7:00 to go audition at 9:30 so I can get to the restaurant to cut the fucking lemons by 10:30. I guess, technically I was on Broadway. It just happens that Houlihan's was on 49th and Broadway. Look ma, I made it! I'm on Broadway. How would you like your burger cooked?

Almost Famous

I worked a really slow shift a couple of days ago and it took a lot of effort to keep my eyes open. Seriously, I practically had to pull the olives off the toothpicks and prop open my eyelids with them. I sauntered up to table 25 and asked what they would be drinking for the evening. The lady looked up and squinted at me like she was trying to think of what to say. And then she asked me if I was an actor. "Yes." In my head I am getting all excited because maybe someone saw me in When in Rome. In the background. Standing on the steps. Yes, I am that famous. Then she asked me if I had done a certain show at a certain theater. "Yes." And then she tells me "I saw you! You were so great!" Suddenly, being a waiter wasn't so horrible because here I was holding a tray, but this lady had seen me doing something that I actually enjoy doing. It felt like I was meant to be waiting tables that night just so she could sit in my station and make me feel good about myself. I felt proud, happy and excited. And then I went and got her a glass of Cabernet. Very quickly I was consumed with bitterness and sorrow that I was just a waiter. Fame is so fleeting.

The next night, I was at a bar drinking. Shocking, I know. During my second pint of Anchor Steam a very attractive girl came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but do I know you?" she asked. In my head I'm thinking, "Oh jeez, another person who saw me do a show somewhere or caught my (brief and practically non-existent) appearance in Enchanted. When does it ever end?" I looked at her and smiled. Her face filled with recognition and she said "I think you were our waiter at VYNL on the Upper East Side?" Crestfallen, I tell her that yes I was in fact her waiter there. "Oh my god!! I loved their granola!! See I told you it was him!" and she playfully slapped her friend on her arm as she laughed and they trotted off. Fame is so fleeting.