A Wonderful Day for a Picnic

Yesterday in New york City was absolutely beautiful. Central Park was teeming with people, Coney Island had hordes of sun worshippers and the F train had someone having a fucking picnic on it. Wait, what? Yes, I witnessed a picnic. On the F train. At the 34th street station, the temperature was about 138º. Muggy, hot and miserable which is pretty much standard for the MTA this time of year. I noticed a family waiting for the train and they were obviously on their way to the beach. Seeing that it was already 2:30 in the afternoon and the beach is an hour away on the F train, it seemed that they were getting a late fucking start. The family consisted of some grandma types, a few young girls, some baby daddies and a litter of children. The F train was taking a long time to get there (as usual because the MTA sucks and I hate them more than someone asking me to have their burger recooked with no pink even though they asked for it to be medium) and one of the kids asked their sister or mom or whatever for a drink. Luckily, they were prepared because there was a cooler full of ice and beverages right there. Bitch whipped out a styrofoam cup and a two liter bottle of iced tea and poured a drink for her parched offspring. As it so often goes, another kid wanted a drink and then another and then another and then Grandma wanted a Coke. The cooler was propped open and it was a regular soda fountain up in there. Any second I thought I would see one of the fucking Archie comic douches pop up and ask for a milkshake. The next thing I knew someone pulled out a bag of sandwiches and started passing them around. Of course that was when the train showed up. They herded their village onto the F train and I followed behind. I was only on the train for two stops so I didn't get to see the inevitable happen. Surely one of the kids lost his grip on his cup and spilled it all over the damn place. And then Grandam probably chewed on a piece of gristle in her sandwich and spit it out onto the floor. The kids probably started playing hide and go seek thinking this was as good as the day was going to get. Again, I got off the train so this is all speculation. Highly likely and more than probable but speculation none the less.

I won't even eat a Cliff bar on the train because you can practically see the germs floating around in there. But if they want to let their kids roll around on the floor and then grab a handful of Doritos, go for it. Weird. A picnic on the 7 train. Almost as weird as that time I saw a magician (also on the F train...) complete with cape and flying doves. People will do anything on the fucking subway. But the thing I hate the most? Those goddamn mariachi bands that belt out their musica at ocho in el fucking morning. No fucking gracias.

About waiting tables? No. Bitchy? Oh hell yes.


Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter blog.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

Bad Parenting

So my vacation officially starts today and I had already planned to have a repost happen. However, divinity stepped in and inspired me to write one more thing before I switch over to automatic (read: lame ass) pilot. I was on the F train yesterday headed out to Brooklyn to drop the dog at the kennel. The train was packed with people who were on their way to the loveliness that is Coney Island. By the way, this has nothing to do with waiting tables, but it does have to do with annoying parents and obnoxious children and the two pretty much go hand in hand.

It baffles me that so many people will have children and then treat those children like complete and total dirt. There were two moms on the train with their cumulative five kids. The one mom that was across from me was wearing the requisite fat lady outfit of tight blouse and black stretch pants. When a woman gets over a certain weight, do they just automatically receive black stretch pants in the mail? Is that how it works? Her shirt was black and white horizontal stripes and she was looking like the Pillsbury Dough Zebra. I think she missed the mass text that said horizontal is not flattering. She had on earphones so she was talking way too loud to the other mother. She would ask her a question and then say "wha?" when she couldn't hear the answer. She'd roll her eyes and sigh because she had to physically exert herself to remove the earphones, but then she would put them back in, ask a question and say "wha?" again. Stupid. Her daughter was about four years old and really fat. It makes me sad when I see an obese kid because I know that the only reason they are like that is because of what the parent feeds them. And sure enough. When the little girl started to cry, the mother got her to be quiet by giving her a McDonald's apple pie.

The other mom spent the whole time yelling at her kids to shut up. She had a baby in a stroller who was screaming at the top of his lungs the whole ride. Like everyone on the train was looking at each other with that knowing glance that says, "damn, that lady is one crappy ass mother." The screaming mother had this conversation with the baby:

Baby: Waaaa!
Mother: Shut the hell up!
Baby: Waaaa!
Mother: Whad are youse freakin' cryin' 'bout? You the only one even comfortable here with a seat.
Baby: Waaaa!
Mother: I don't even like you!
Baby: Waaa!

Now, I am not fluent in baby or anything but I am pretty sure he was saying, "oh my God, I can't wait until I am old enough to walk so I can run away from home. Seriously? You're my mother? Somebody save me. Shaken baby syndrome would be better than living with this bitch." I felt bad for those kids. I imagined them in my station and how awful they would be because the mothers didn't know how to teach their kids. I felt really bad. For some reason it made me sad and I got a bit teary eyed. As the water welled up in the corner of my eye, ready to make its way down my cheek I suddenly remembered I was starting my vacation. Woo hooo!! Vacation, here I come!


Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter blog.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.