An Open Letter to The Man at Table 201

Dear Man at Table #201,

I was so very impressed when I went to your table and saw a big fancy one-hundred dollar bill laying next to your check. My first thoughts were, "Wow, he must be really rich and powerful in order to have hundred dollar bills in his wallet. I am envious of someone like him, gee willikers." It must have been really cool to see you reach into your wallet and toss that money onto the table and then waltz out of the restaurant. Everyone sitting with and around you must have been pretty impressed. I mean, a hundred dollar bill?? Wow! But here's the deal. Your check totaled $117.32. You know what that means, right? Yeah, you walked out on your check, you big pile of stinky dog shit. So not only did you not leave me a tip, you think I will just cover that extra $17.32, is that it? You sir, are a gentleman and an asshole.

Just so you know, when it comes time for me to pay taxes, the government is going to assume that I got tipped 8% of your check, or in other words, $9.39. So I will be taxed and social securitied and FICA'd about $2.35. But here's the deal: you didn't tip me. I can't call up Uncle Sam and say, "Oh yeah, the asshole at table 201 didn't actually tip me so just disregard that bill, thanks." Nope. I will pay that $2.35 regardless. So not only did I not make any money from your table, I lost money by serving you. In some restaurants, I would be expected to tip the busser or food runner based on my sales. So if I had to tip them 2% of whatever I sold, I would be expected to give them $2.34 even though you didn't tip me jack shit. Are you starting to see how crappy it was of you to walk out on your check like you did?

In some places, the managers will make waiters pay for that loss out of their own pocket which really really sucks. That's when waiters have to get creative and start moving things around from one check to another just to cover that loss. Ethical, no. Necessary, yes. Lucky for me I was working at a place where my managers know that people like you exist and my manager voided off some items from your check so it would be under $100.00. That isn't always the case though.

Yes, I tried to find you. I ran out onto the street to see if I could spot your weasel ass slinking away but you had already crawled back into your hole and vanished. I just wanted to let you know that you really suck. You can't pull that shit in Macy's or at Target, but in a restaurant, I guess you can. I know now why you didn't want to leave a phone number or contact email with the host when you first checked in. We tell you that we like to get your info in case we find an iPhone or a scarf at your table, but really it's so that I can call your cheap, no-good, thieving ass and tell you that you need to drag your sorry skank self back up to the restaurant and finish paying your check. Good move for you, not leaving a phone number.

So thanks for sitting in my station. It was real pleasure to be reminded that scum like you are out there in the world. I hope you get a severe case of cold sore and pink eye coupled with some major chapped lips and a skin rash. I want your face to be as unattractive as your behavior. Fuck you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

I hope you will share this so people will know what happens when they don't pay their check.



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To Tip or Not To Tip

A national debate is rearing its ugly head amongst us and I must confront it. It seems that some people need to know if there are times when it is okay to completely stiff a server. And my answer may come as quite a shock to some of you, but I say: yes. On the rare occasion, it is okay to stiff a server. A reader named Dee writes:

Only once was it so bad that I decided a tip wasn't deserved. When the waitperson came to pick up the signed credit card receipt, I took the opportunity to tell him that there was no tip included for his service. I told him that since he waited until clearing from the appetizer to tell me that they'd run out of Prime Rib, that I never received the hot tea I'd ordered, that I got baked potato as a side when I'd ordered rice pilaf, and that my dining partner's entree arrived 15 minutes before my second choice was served... for all those reasons, I told him I didn't feel he deserved a tip.

I think Dee was right to refuse a tip and she was also right in explaining to the server why he wasn't getting one. Forgetting to get the hot tea was his fault. Of course, things slip our mind and we can fuck up. And sometimes at work you can have only four mistakes happen all week but all four of them happen to be at the same table. It's like the perfect storm of bad service. Maybe the kitchen didn't tell him they were out of Prime Rib until it was too late. Shitty, yes. But maybe he should have accepted the blame and try to make up for it by bringing another app that was comped while she waited. He certainly should not have brought out her friend's food when her order wasn't ready to come out with it. That was dumb. And maybe the kitchen sent out the wrong side, but if a table has already been slighted, it's the server's responsibility to make sure everything else is right. I would have been hovering in that kitchen to ensure that it came out quickly and correctly. I have found too that it helps if you just are completely honest to a table when this shit happens. Tell them: I Screwed up. I am sorry. What can I do to make it better? Customers like it when we accept responsibility for mistakes. They hate it when you blame the kitchen or the the runner or the host or whoever the fuck. They aren't dealing with any of them, they are dealing with the waiter, so therefore everything is the responsibility of the waiter. Period.

Of course, I think it's better to leave at least 10% so that there is enough to cover the taxes and tipping out. And if you are really unhappy with the service and you feel it was the waiters fault, let a manager know or just don't go back. I stiffed someone once. It was at The Black Eyed Pea in Houston. The waiter was an idiot and kept fucking up our order. And then at the end when we mentioned something about going back home, he said, "oh to your trailer park?" What the fuck? Did he just call me trailer trash? Now I may have spent my formative years living in a mobile home (trailers are for horses and mobile homes are for people, just so you know) but he cannot insult me like that. He should have had the decency to go to the sidestand and then do it like all self-respecting waiters. That was the final nail in his coffin and I picked up his 20% and put it right back in my pocket.

Yes, Dee, it is okay. Choosing to leave no tip is alright if there is justification. We know when we are doing a shitty job and sometimes it just happens. When it happens to me, I am not surprised with a stiff. What we don't like is when we know we gave great service and don't a tip. Or when we realize we fucked up, we tried to fix the problem and they say they are satisfied and then they still don't tip. Fear not, sweet, Dee. You were okay in your actions. We love that you tip above 18% when it is deserved. For that, you rock.

What are your thoughts, fellow servers?