Decaf=Regular

Sometimes a restaurant runs out of something. It's just like at your house. You may think you have enough Crisco for every possible need, but one day you need more Crisco than you thought and before you know it you are so totally out of Crisco and you have to use Pam instead. Or Vaseline. Or whatever. The point is, it happens. So the other day we were getting ready for brunch and lo and behold we were out of regular coffee. We had decaf but not regular. We had enough for two or three pots but we go through ten or fifteen pots on a good brunch and we were really worried. Like freaking out what the fuck are we gonna do kind of worrying. We scoured the basement storage for regular coffee and even went into the back room behind the storage where we keep mugs and bowls and huge ketchup cans and shit. No regular coffee. By this point all three of us were sweating bullets. I mean we opened in ten minutes and we didn't have coffee to satisfy our customers-what the fuck were we going to do? Okay, really we were fine. We never looked for regular coffee past the shelf that it is usually on. Someone said "maybe we should just use decaf all day" and someone else said "who cares, I don't even drink it" and then someone else farted and we all giggled like little girls. So yeah, we used decaf all day. And not one person said one word to us about how the coffee seemed less caffeinated that day. They all drank it and asked for seconds and thirds and imagined the effects of all that caffeine pumping through their veins. And therefore proving our theory that all customers are stupid douches who will drink and eat what we tell them to. "Would you like some more coffee, Mr. and Mrs. Douche?"
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