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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Walking in a Sweaty Wonderland

Last week, New York City had the distinct pleasure of its first heatwave. We had three days in a row of 97º temperatures. For those of you living in Texas and Arizona, I realize that 97º is what you look forward to after a day of 115º, but here in New York City, that is freakin' hot. And at two of my three jobs, our air conditioning is having challenges. (In corporate speak, "challenges" means "big fucking problems.")

On one of those hot days, I was at the restaurant where the A/C is weak even on a day when the sun isn't reaching through the ozone layer and molesting me. When I got to work, I knew that I had better set up the patio because despite the heat, some masochistic would think it would be nice to sit out there. Three hours into the shift, it seemed I had wasted my time and roll-ups because nobody was interested. And then it happened. A woman came in from the street eyeballing the patio.

"Is the backyard open?" she asked.

"Yes it is. Would you like to sit outside?"

"Is it hot out there?"

Okay. This lady just stepped in from the heat outside and wanted to know if it was hot outside. My nerves were already short because of the lack of A/C and my brain was a bit frozen from spending every spare moment in the walk-in cooler.

"It's the same heat back there that you just came in from." I smiled at her to make it seem like I was trying to be funny, but really, I thought she was a fucking idiot.

"Well, can we go back and see if it feels any different?"

"Yes, ma'am, sure we can." I grabbed a menu and lead her to the depths of hell we call a patio.

I opened the French doors and stepped outside. I was surprised at how different it felt from when I had last been out there three hours before. The air was crisp; almost chilly. I looked around and noticed a thin layer of frost on the metallic table tops. As I stood there, I felt the temperature dip twenty degrees and then another ten. In the back corner of the patio, the evergreen tree was decorated like a Christmas tree and two partridges were making a nest in it, obviously confusing it for a pear tree. Sitting at one of the tables was Santa Claus and Jack Frost each with a steaming cup of hot chocolate from Starbuck's.

"You're not allowed to bring outside food and beverages here, sir," I said to Santa.

"Ho, ho, ho," he laughed. "We didn't see a server so we brought our own. I do apologize." He touched the side of his nose with his stubby mitten-covered thumb and the two paper cups disappeared. "We are waiting for two more friends. Could we get menus, young man?"

"I'm just drinking," said Jack Frost. "Bring me a hot toddy."

"Can you say "please?"" said Santa.

Jack Frost rolled his eyes. "Please."

Two figures brushed passed us and I recognized Frosty the Snowman and  Mrs. Claus. They pulled up two chairs and joined the table.

Frosty had an icicle hanging off his ass and Mrs. Claus was wrapped up in a scarf that had images of children sledding down a hill.

"Dear," she said to her husband. "Frosty is warm. Can't you do something about this heat? It must be 40º out here. Look at him; poor thing's starting to melt. That icicle wasn't there ten minutes ago."

Santa again touched his nose with his thumb and immediately, the wind blew in from the north bringing with it snowflakes. The roll-ups on the table began to get soggy.

"Where's my fucking hot toddy" yelled Jack Frost.

I was so mesmerized by what was happening on the patio that I had forgotten I was at work. I looked at the woman who had wanted to sit outside and her cheeks were red with the cold air and a tiny bit of snot was slipping out of her nose. I handed her a tissue and she shivered as she wiped the snot away. I heard jingle bells overhead and looked up to see Rudolph flying above us pulling a sleigh along with eight flying pigs who had just flown out of my fucking asshole.

"Oh God, it's hot out here too," said the lady. " I'll just sit inside, I guess."

"Good idea," I replied.

Dumb bitch. We ain't got no micro-climate. It's 97 fucking degrees. I hate people.



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14 comments:

The Artist Formerly Known As Bagel Fairy said...

Hahaha yessssssssss

Anonymous said...

I work at a restaurant with one of the most popular patios in our town. It's 100 degrees every single day in the summer and WITHOUT FAIL every single day someone will walk through the front door and ask if it is hot on our patio. My response is similar to yours... "You tell me... You just came in from outside. I've been in here all day." (Smile... pretend I'm being sweetly ironic.) Seriously, wtf is wrong with people?

jaimez1313 said...

Oh my God that was the funniest thing I've ever read. The "eight pigs that just flew out of my ass" had tears rolling down my face. I work in Arizona by the way and we get those idiots all the time. They're lucky I'm not armed.

Anonymous said...

Haha you are FUCKING AWESOME!

Mary A. said...

We get people in our building who complain that it's COLD in here because we have the A/C on. We have the A/C on because it's 104 outside. If you're cold either 1. put on a sweater or 2. go outside for 2 minutes. I am NOT turning down the A/C.

Noelle said...

GAWD! you either have one of those or the women who are nearly naked with cleavage to their belly button. "Can you please turn down the air. It's freezing!"

I would have laughed "Same heat you just came in from." Might be dry but it's funny and true.

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

Stupid people suck.

Practical Parsimony said...

That was such a clever post! It should be 100 here in AL tomorrow, but at least my whole yard is in the shade of huge oaks and hickory trees. Plus, we don't have all those NYC buildings that must make it feel like the depths of hell.

I hate people who dress skimpily and then go into refreshing ac and demand it be turned higher!

NellieVaughn said...

You can't fix stupid, but you can shut it up.

Anonymous said...

GHHAAAA, this is amazing.

We have a retractable patio roof and every damn patio shift I get some dumb broad asking me to "open the roof... let's see the stars, it's my birthday!" No bitch, it's chilly and we have six propane heaters pumping out heat for you which will instantly be useless when the roof is pulled back and your half naked idiot friends start getting the anorexia shakes. Section immediately empties with frigid folks. Money goes bye bye, and a dumb bitch drinking vodka from a smuggled water bottle gets to see the moon. greeeeaaaatttt...

justsoyouknow said...

I've read it over the net that people will continuously experiences warm weather for the couple of weeks. No wonder that wildfires in some states are are happening.

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Frank Giannantonio said...

Damn, you're funny.

Bitchy Britt said...

That was great : ) I wait tables in south FL and people constantly ask if its "hot" outside. Its the same effing temperature as it was in the parking lot, which is the same temperature as it is EVERYWHERE in Florida- Hot. And no, you idiots, there is no AC outside. Fuckkk this drives me crazy!! Last week there was a really bad thunderstorm and it was pouring down rain. A man came in, wet umbrella in hand, and asked me if it was raining on the patio. No, sir, we have highly advanced weather modification technology that we use to stabilize the temperature and humidity of our outdoor dining areas. Of course its raining, dumbass. Why cant these people go die somewhere??

Anonymous said...

The restaurant where I used to work had a patio. When the sun would start to set in the evening, it would shine in and blind everyone for about 30 minutes (including me). People would be say, "Can't you do something about the sun? It's hurting my eyes." I would usually say, "I called God to ask him if he would have the sun set in the north today, but he didn't answer." How the hell am I supposed to control the sunset?! Idiots.