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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Another Baby Gets Drunk (Yawn)

There aren't very many guarantees in the restaurant world. Other than your last table of the day always ordering a dessert five minutes after closing time and the old lady sending her coffee back because it's not hot enough, what can we really know for sure? Well, I can name at least one other thing that you can always count on: every couple of weeks, some baby is going to get served liquor and the story is going to go viral.

Yes, it happened again. On May 26, a three year old was served orange juice with vodka and that baby ended up as drunk as I am on a Sunday brunch shift when the manager spends the day in he office doing paperwork. Bingyan Cai said her son Michael got trashed while they were aboard the Alii Kai Catamaran enjoying a dinner cruise in Oahu, Hawaii. I have never been on a dinner cruise, but I may have to try one if they can assure me that every time I order orange juice it will come spiked with vodka. The mom noticed her son turning red, acting unruly and mumbling which, I think, is pretty much how all three-year olds are. “He just got really red and he just kept mumbling, ‘Momma it’s hot, it’s hot,”’ she said. “He was just so wild, full of energy and tried to run here and there but couldn’t even stand straight.” It sounds like your typical Booze Cruise, if you ask me.

After she tasted the drink and confirmed that it was extra extra delicious, she alerted the staff who responded with a bottle of water and a "don't make a fuss as to not ruin the ride for tourists." She had him checked out the next day and she has no plans to sue. The company refunded her the $300 it cost to take her family on the "Kids Drink Free Boat" and called it a day. My favorite quote that the mom said is, "if he had drunk the whole 12 ounces it could have been very fatal for him at this age." Very fatal. As opposed to just kinda fatal. That's like being a little bit pregnant.

This brings up the following questions:
  • Why the fuck was I never accidentally served alcohol when I was a baby?
  • Where do I get a ticket for the dinner cruise where you order orange juice and they bring you a screwdriver?
  • Can I substitute the screwdriver for a margarita on the rocks with salt?
  • What is going on with servers not paying attention to what they are serving?
  • How did this baby get so lucky that he lives in Hawaii and gets free cocktails?
  • What the hell kind of name is "Bingyan Cai?"
  • Is the legal owner of the picture I posted going to be all pissed off at me because I made their baby asking for a martini?
  • Is it a good idea to simply lower the drinking age so that when a toddler gets served liquor, it can be no big deal?
  • Don't babies order apple juice anymore?
  • What do you call apple juice spiked with vodka?
  • If I adopt a baby, will it help me get free drinks?
  • Can't babies think of new and creative ways to get their fame whoring selves in the newspaper?  Drunk babies are so passé.
Thank you everyone who sent this news item in to me. I should create a Google Alert for "drunk baby" so I will always have something to write about.

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Anonymous said...

bahahaha! 12 yrs old--Cherry Vodka with a guy much older than me--in retrospect it has a creep factor to it..Oh well it was good at the time

*Comment posted anonymously since my adult kid reads this and rather them not know my sordid past!

Mark W said...

Why the fuck was I never accidentally served alcohol when I was a baby?

Considering your love of alcohol, I'm guessing not only did you get alcohol as a kid, but that you probably got it as a fetus.

Renee said...

Where I come from, that's called being the South, I guess they call it a 'soridid past'. Lol

KB said...

I seriously don't know how many more ways I can think of to say, "Oh God you are so funny and your writing is so witty and you brighten my day"?

KB said...

I didn't just smile to myself when I read this. I didn't just read it and think, he's so clever with his words. I laughed belly-laughs and I thank you.

KB said...

I don't love all of your posts, that would be weird, but I read them all. This is an example of one that keeps me coming back for more and that I tell people about, RT, like and share on FB. So flippin' FUNNY.

Catherine, ex oh mwah! said...

Hahah, I can't quite imagine a drunk baby. But looking around at all my friends now, I'm fairly sure I can tell which ones got snookered during infancy.

Anonymous said...

if you mix apple juice and vodke or any sort of grain alcohol (it's best to let it "cure" for a few days too) it's very delicious and called apple pie moonshine, or just apple pie=] I think you have to add cinammon sticks as well to get the full effect, but it's fucking great.

if you can't find cinammon sticks, cinammon candy works too.

Frank Giannantonio said...

That list is hilarious.

NellieVaughn said...

If my nieces were served alcohol, I would celebrate, not sue. Maybe then they would shut their trap for a minute or two.

Annoyed said...

I would really like to know if there's a name for apple juice/vodka......

Manicimpressive said...

I had the pleasure of getting served alcohol when I was six years old on the Venice Boardwalk. A screwdriver, which seems to be the status quo.

I remember laughing my ass off, taking off my shirt at the table, and ultimately telling the concerned waitress who quickly approached us that she was pretty. Always had the charm.

Anyhow, the bistro freaked out and handed my mom some cash. Illegal on so many levels. Every kid should get day drunk at least once.

Kitty the Kat said...

I think a vodka + apple juice is called "szarlotka" ('sz' is pronounced like an English 'sh'). Usually szarlotka's made with Zubrowka bison grass vodka specifically, though.

Linda's in SF said...

Just discovered your blog today. I laughed hysterically! Needed a laugh, as I was attacked by a homeless man this morning, as I was entering Starbucks! Buying a coffee maker today!!!

Anonymous said...

next time, you can use a pic of one of my kids, I won't sue you if you add a caption to the pic of them holding a beverage :)