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Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Bitchy Waiter Resolutions

Father Time has kicked the bucket and Baby New Year has waddled his fat ass into our lives claiming that it is 2010 and also that he needs an order of chicken fingers, some crayons and a diaper change. I took some time away from posting to really think about what goals I wanted to attain this year. I really pondered that shit for days upon days so that I had something really meaningful to write about. No, not really. I was just too involved with vodka, champagne and holiday parties to think about this blog, but I have managed to wring out a few kernels of wisdom to start the new year off right.

Normally, I think resolutions are a big fatty mcfat fat waste of time. Everyone starts the new year with lofty ideas and expectations and by January 15th, it's all "fuck it." At the gym this morning there were way more people than usual and you could see that they were only there because they promised themselves that this year would be different. In two weeks, I expect to have my choice of elliptical machines again. But what can Bitchy waiter do in 2010 to make this year mean something? Is this the year to resolve to make some changes? I give you my 2010 New Year resolutions:

1. I hereby resolve to always pretend that I give a shit when someone tells me they are unhappy with their food or beverage even though I don't care even a teeny tiny bit.

2. I hereby resolve to only spit in the food of the people who are really annoying and not the ones who are just kinda annoying.

3. I hereby resolve to no longer clean ketchup lids and refill ketchup bottles. From now on I will just throw the old one away and go get a new one.

4. I hereby resolve to only use the word "cunt" when it is absolutely positively necessary. For example, when referring to Sarah Palin, Jennifer Lopez or that lady who always thinks her coffee tastes old even though it isn't. (For you, Marlene.)

5. I hereby resolve to work every shift I am offered and not give it away because I am lazy. Unless, of course, there is a really good reason to not work like say the finale of The Biggest Loser, American Idol or America's Next Top Model is on or maybe I really really need a nap.

6. I hereby resolve to respect my managers and owners. Just kidding. Fuck that.

7. I hereby resolve to welcome children into my station if they absolutely must be there and no longer fantasize about slipping Tabasco sauce into their sippy cups even though if I did it, it wouldn't be really all that bad.

8. I hereby resolve to really appreciate all the free liquor that comes with my job and no longer take for granted that I leave from work almost every time with a considerable buzz.

9. I hereby resolve to be honest about the fact that we don't have Ginger ale and stop giving people Sprite with a splash of Coke.

10. I hereby resolve to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog.

Thank you, everyone who reads this blog. 2009 sucked and let's all hope for a wonderful 2010. Happy New Year, bitches. What's your resolution?


Anonymous said...

Well at least you stuck to the last one... and thank you for a bitchy 2009; and here´s hoping for and amazing and bitchier 2010 cheers!

Buck Turgidson said...

Wow, where do all you annoying, complaining servers get the energy to blog about your jobs? I spend too much time at work actually WORKING to keep up a blog that details all the terrible injustices that I suffer (and there are many, I assure you [sniff, sniff]).

Regardless, take a look at my new blog that whines about all the whining servers do in their blogs! Why not? One good bitch deserves another!!

Debi said...

That Buck man is an ass. Thank you for the amusing stories of customers from Hell, it gives me an idea of what NOT to be.

purplegirl said...

Oh honey, I think you're setting yourself up for failure with numbers one and seven! :)

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year and continued good buzzes upon leaving work in 2010.Ha

AK said...

You always go home with a free buzz?

I want YOUR job!

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Buck needs to get over himself. Or just quit reading The Bitchy Waiter if it upsets him so. Best of luck with his new blog...

Anonymous said...

I'd say ol' Buck's *other* blog is a tad more revealing.

Anonymous said...

I love this blog. I just stumbled across it a few weeks ago and have immersed myself in reading every single post. Fantastic. It would be an honor to sit in your section!

Anonymous said...

I second that I would like your job, for the buzzz. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Happy new year bw and many big Fat tip$
in 2010. -Kiki in Canada ps I love your blog !

Sauce said...

Love your resolutions. Made me laugh my ass off!

Buck Turgidson said...

Glad my comment drew a few responses, even if they amounted to a pile of predictable tripe from your worthless sycophants.

As for your admonishment to "Get over" myself, I'll just say PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!!

Gen. Turgidson

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Anonymous said...

And number 2 is what's going to cost you every waiting job you want once everyone knows who you are. Jackass.