Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Bitchy Waiter Resolutions
Father Time has kicked the bucket and Baby New Year has waddled his fat ass into our lives claiming that it is 2010 and also that he needs an order of chicken fingers, some crayons and a diaper change. I took some time away from posting to really think about what goals I wanted to attain this year. I really pondered that shit for days upon days so that I had something really meaningful to write about. No, not really. I was just too involved with vodka, champagne and holiday parties to think about this blog, but I have managed to wring out a few kernels of wisdom to start the new year off right.
Normally, I think resolutions are a big fatty mcfat fat waste of time. Everyone starts the new year with lofty ideas and expectations and by January 15th, it's all "fuck it." At the gym this morning there were way more people than usual and you could see that they were only there because they promised themselves that this year would be different. In two weeks, I expect to have my choice of elliptical machines again. But what can Bitchy waiter do in 2010 to make this year mean something? Is this the year to resolve to make some changes? I give you my 2010 New Year resolutions:
1. I hereby resolve to always pretend that I give a shit when someone tells me they are unhappy with their food or beverage even though I don't care even a teeny tiny bit.
2. I hereby resolve to only spit in the food of the people who are really annoying and not the ones who are just kinda annoying.
3. I hereby resolve to no longer clean ketchup lids and refill ketchup bottles. From now on I will just throw the old one away and go get a new one.
4. I hereby resolve to only use the word "cunt" when it is absolutely positively necessary. For example, when referring to Sarah Palin, Jennifer Lopez or that lady who always thinks her coffee tastes old even though it isn't. (For you, Marlene.)
5. I hereby resolve to work every shift I am offered and not give it away because I am lazy. Unless, of course, there is a really good reason to not work like say the finale of The Biggest Loser, American Idol or America's Next Top Model is on or maybe I really really need a nap.
6. I hereby resolve to respect my managers and owners. Just kidding. Fuck that.
7. I hereby resolve to welcome children into my station if they absolutely must be there and no longer fantasize about slipping Tabasco sauce into their sippy cups even though if I did it, it wouldn't be really all that bad.
8. I hereby resolve to really appreciate all the free liquor that comes with my job and no longer take for granted that I leave from work almost every time with a considerable buzz.
9. I hereby resolve to be honest about the fact that we don't have Ginger ale and stop giving people Sprite with a splash of Coke.
10. I hereby resolve to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog.
Thank you, everyone who reads this blog. 2009 sucked and let's all hope for a wonderful 2010. Happy New Year, bitches. What's your resolution?