Bitchy Waiter New Year's Resolutions

Father Time dragged his sorry ass outta here four days ago already and I have yet to come up with my resolutions for 2011. Meanwhile, Baby New Year needs to stop crying for Cheerios and shut the hell up. So far I can actually say that I have spent fifty percent of 2011 being hungover. Nice. Real nice. Before I make up some shit to resolve for the new year, maybe I should look at last year's resolutions and see if I stuck to any of them.

pause, as I look them over...

Okay, so a few of them stuck. I did not spit in the food of anyone and to be honest I have only done that once and it was well deserved and about a hundred years ago. Remind me to tell you that story, okay? I also did not use the "C word" all year even though it was very difficult. Marlene will be proud. I will resolve a few things for 2011 and see how it goes. I have a history of breaking resolutions going all the way back to 1983 when I promised myself to not masturbate anymore and then on January 2nd, my diary said "already broke that one resolution." Anyhoo...

1. If I get hired at a new job and decide to blog about them, I will be more careful about what is written. I do not need any more Penelope "C word" bitches up in my life.
2. In 2011 I hope to have more initiative to, you know, work. I will not try to give my shifts away to other people and try not to say "no" when people ask me to work for them. (This may be broken by Thursday.)
3. I resolve to have more patience when people can't decide what they want to order. Like if they need to take twenty fucking minutes to figure out if they want a Coke or Sprite, I will not let steam come out of my ears in utter frustration. I will simply say, "take your time" and let them agonize over that stupid fucking decision all they want.
4. I will try not to be such a fucking social media whore who is always plastering this website on any blog, forum or comment section that I can log on to. I will let go, let God.
5. I will learn French.
6. This year, when anonymous people leave hateful anonymous comments, I will understand that they are just a small-minded and possibly small-penised losers who have no other way to express themselves. I will not get upset and go all ape shit on them and write a whole post about them and what a miserable human being they appear to be. (This may be be broken by Thursday.)
7. I will iron my uniform before every shift unless it still looks pretty good from the last time it was ironed and/or I am in too big a hurry to care that my shirt is wrinkled a bit because who is going to notice once I light the candles and turn the lights down extra low?
8. From now on, if I see slime in the ice machine, I will not use that ice for beverages. (Note: I mean this only if said beverages are for me. If they are for someone else, I may or may not use the slimy ice. Mood dependent.)
9. I will try to use speelcheck more often.
10. Again, I promise to appreciate everyone who takes three or four minutes out of their day to read the words that I vomit out on this blog. The emails and comments I get from readers make me want to continue writing. I sincerely mean that. Happy New Year. And thank you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

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The Bitchy Waiter Resolutions

Father Time has kicked the bucket and Baby New Year has waddled his fat ass into our lives claiming that it is 2010 and also that he needs an order of chicken fingers, some crayons and a diaper change. I took some time away from posting to really think about what goals I wanted to attain this year. I really pondered that shit for days upon days so that I had something really meaningful to write about. No, not really. I was just too involved with vodka, champagne and holiday parties to think about this blog, but I have managed to wring out a few kernels of wisdom to start the new year off right.

Normally, I think resolutions are a big fatty mcfat fat waste of time. Everyone starts the new year with lofty ideas and expectations and by January 15th, it's all "fuck it." At the gym this morning there were way more people than usual and you could see that they were only there because they promised themselves that this year would be different. In two weeks, I expect to have my choice of elliptical machines again. But what can Bitchy waiter do in 2010 to make this year mean something? Is this the year to resolve to make some changes? I give you my 2010 New Year resolutions:

1. I hereby resolve to always pretend that I give a shit when someone tells me they are unhappy with their food or beverage even though I don't care even a teeny tiny bit.

2. I hereby resolve to only spit in the food of the people who are really annoying and not the ones who are just kinda annoying.

3. I hereby resolve to no longer clean ketchup lids and refill ketchup bottles. From now on I will just throw the old one away and go get a new one.

4. I hereby resolve to only use the word "cunt" when it is absolutely positively necessary. For example, when referring to Sarah Palin, Jennifer Lopez or that lady who always thinks her coffee tastes old even though it isn't. (For you, Marlene.)

5. I hereby resolve to work every shift I am offered and not give it away because I am lazy. Unless, of course, there is a really good reason to not work like say the finale of The Biggest Loser, American Idol or America's Next Top Model is on or maybe I really really need a nap.

6. I hereby resolve to respect my managers and owners. Just kidding. Fuck that.

7. I hereby resolve to welcome children into my station if they absolutely must be there and no longer fantasize about slipping Tabasco sauce into their sippy cups even though if I did it, it wouldn't be really all that bad.

8. I hereby resolve to really appreciate all the free liquor that comes with my job and no longer take for granted that I leave from work almost every time with a considerable buzz.

9. I hereby resolve to be honest about the fact that we don't have Ginger ale and stop giving people Sprite with a splash of Coke.

10. I hereby resolve to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog.

Thank you, everyone who reads this blog. 2009 sucked and let's all hope for a wonderful 2010. Happy New Year, bitches. What's your resolution?