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Sunday, August 14, 2011

I Am Not a Morning Person

I am up at the ass crack of dawn today. If there were roosters in New York City, they would be cock-a-doodle-dooing right now. Instead, the rats are looking at me like, "Why the fuck are you up so early, lazy ass?" No, I am not serving breakfast or still up from my night of drinking. Alarm goes off at seven and you start uptown. You put in your eight hours for the powers that have always been. Till it's five P.M. (Bonus points for you if you know what that line is from.) I am taking a break from food service in order to pursue my other calling for a few days, selling pottery. And when I say "pursue my other calling" I mean "this job I got off of Craigslist." Twice a year, I am a sales rep for a big time pottery company and sell plates and vases and crap to the likes of Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel and little old ladies who own stores in Cape Cod. It's a sweet little gig except for the whole getting up before the cows come home thing.

I am not a morning person as is evidenced by the scowl that is on my face right this second. I once lived with a friend who worked the breakfast shift and she had to be at work at some crazy fucking time like 5:30 AM. She would be done with her day by 11:30 and come home with a fist full of dollars, take a nap and be good to go. I never could do that. Morning people are just as foreign to me as those who have children. I know they exist but I can't wrap my brain around how they do it. Kim would pop out of bed and be on her merry way to the breakfast shift at the diner while I would on my water bed asking her to please hurry the fuck up and turn the light out. I always envy morning people. They seem so productive, getting their laundry done before The View and all, but I just can't do it. I've tried, believe me. My aunt is a morning person who wakes up before the sun has even thought about rising and has a cup of coffee and does the crossword puzzle and then will have all her household chores done before 9:00 AM. The downside of being a morning person is these people have to go to bed early to do it. Do they know what wonders they are missing that only happen after 10:00 PM? Like the news, or Jimmy Kimmel, or House Hunters International on HGTV?

My point is, today I am a morning person. Since I don't drink coffee, anyone who sits next to me on the 7 train better watch out. My grump could accidentally spill over onto them and cause second and third degree burns. I cannot fake a smile or have a conversation and during my shower this morning, I don't even think I had the energy to use soap. If you happen to see a guy today selling pottery who looks like he is one grumpy ass bitch and who's hair is matted down in the back because it took too much effort to wash it, that would be me. Come up to me. Say hello. And if you see a rooster who is trying to cockle-doodle doo, punch it in the gut for me will you? And speaking of roosters, click here to see one big cock.

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Practical Parsimony said...

Nor am I a morning person. I much prefer to get up at the crack of noon. I cannot bear to hear a chirpy, "good morning." It makes me really angry. I will not say it. I don't want anyone talking to me. And, I don't drink cofffee, either! I stumble around for at least an hour. If I have to be anyplace early, I don't have anyone to drive me, so I feel like I am in danger when I drive early.

Derby Wallus said...

Not a morning person either, Bitchy! I took my job, and I got on the night shift super fast.
Fuck the rooster. I will get up when my lazy ass wants to get up. :)

Anonymous said...

I've never been a morning person. Back in the days when you were either in morning or afternoon kindergarten, my mom put me in morning classes on purpose to try and get me on a morning schedule. Apparently it never took. I hate mornings and only get up early when I have to. That being said, once I am up, I am up and I don't do the snooze button dance. I agree with the joys of life that only occur after 10 and even if I were laying in bed with the lights off and the house silent, I still wouldn't be able to fall asleep until about midnight or 1 AM because that is just how my body's clock is set. And I'm perfectly happy with that.

Mary A. said...

I get up at the friggin crack of dawn to get the kids ready for school.. . . always late to work anyway.

Mary A. said...

And what do you mean you don't drink coffee???

Anonymous said...

"And then you go downtown..."