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Friday, August 5, 2011

Rice Tragedy at Table 16

Obviously, any post having to do with children really touches some nerves. I'm referring to the post about children being banned at a restaurant which received over forty comments and 1,500 hits. There were some good points made on both sides of the argument. I was almost convinced that maybe a restaurant didn't have the right to ban children but then a couple showed up to work last night with their two-year old son. Thank you, couple, for reminding me why I bow down to the greatness of any restaurant owner/manager who says, "Take your kid and shove it."

The lovely young family were very kind and polite. Without any hesitation, they ordered a glass of wine, a beer, some calamari and two roasted chicken breasts. They did not order for their son. I assumed that were going to let him eat off of their plates. I wish. As soon as I dropped off the chicken, they asked for their check because they said they didn't know how long the kid was going to remain being so calm. "I totally understand, I said. As I printed their check, I thought about how conscientious they were being. They wanted to be able to make a quick getaway if he started to act a fool and I really appreciated it. They gobbled down their chicken and bolted out surprisingly fast. I thanked them as they breezed past me at the bar and I headed back to clear the table. What was waiting for me was a shocking mess.

I thought the parents were both humans but I now realize they must have been made of grains, for they had produced a spawn made of white rice. The kid had left piles of rice all over the place. I didn't even serve them rice. Is rice the new Cheerios? There was enough rice on the floor to make a dozen California rolls. It looked like a rice ball had exploded. Or maybe a rice and bean burrito, hold the beans, had thrown up. It looked like the monkey cage at the zoo. When I was kid, I went to the Houston Zoo once and saw a monkey taking his own crap and throwing it all over the place. Was this kid pooping out rice and doing his best chimpanzee impersonation? There was rice everywhere. On the table, in the booth on both sides, on the floor, under the table next to the booth. There was probably some on the ceiling but I refused to let myself look up to see because then I would be responsible for cleaning it. No wonder they left the restaurant so fast. They were ashamed of the Terror of Rice that was happening at table 16.

I went to get the broom and dustpan and started sweeping it all up. Have you ever tried to sweep up cooked rice? It doesn't sweep. It sticks to the floor and the broom and just moves from one spot to another refusing to go into the dustpan. The table next to Rice Hell gave me a look that said one of two things: "I'm sorry you have to clean up after that messy kid" or "I'm sorry about your whole life choice situation." One of the women at the sympathetic booth was very pregnant and it was hard for me to not tell her something like "You'd better not become one of these kind of hateful parents who let their kids do whatever they fucking want in a restaurant." (By the way, when Preggo ordered her hamburger she made sure to to tell me three times that it needed to be very well done because she was pregnant. As if I care why she wants her burger well done. And as if I couldn't tell she was pregnant. I think elephants gestate for less time than this woman. Her baby's arm was practically hanging out of her vagina trying to grab a french fry.)

Mr. and Mrs. Rice Paddy had a check that was $63.00 and they left me a $12 tip which was right at 20%. However, when I have to get on my knees under a table with a roll of paper towels, I expect more than 20%, people. My knees are weak and it takes a lot of effort to get on them. (And no I am not talking about when I get on my knees under a table with a roll of paper towels to give a blow job. That is 30%, thank you very much.) Cleaning up enough rice to feed a Chinese family of four deserves at least a 25% tip and also a "really sorry about the mess" acknowledgment. So ban children under the age of six? Bring it on.



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26 comments:

bowlegged said...

"I think elephants gestate for less time than this woman. Her baby's arm was practically hanging out of her vagina trying to grab a french fry." This is FANTASTIC.

Andrea Kane said...

I would have chased their asses down and told them to clean it up! I worked at a place where we were encouraged to do just that. God, I miss that place.

ChiTown Girl said...

UN.BE.LIEV.A.BLE! What the HELL is wrong with people?!?!

itswhatiam said...

I vote for banning all children under the age of 21, with the exception being hot male children, in which case those 18 and older would be allowed.

Anonymous said...

When my children were younger and I took them out to eat, I tipped according to the mess the kid left behind. I've left 100% tip before at waffle house because you can imagine what a 2 year old can do with syrup. Its common decency. Just because some parents can't be bothered to care how their childrens actions affect others, does not mean we are all that way. Those children are future adults, and should be taught from a young age proper behavior in public places. Mine were.

Becca's Dirt said...

Some people are just plain rude and nasty too. I'd hate to see their home.

omcdurham said...

Kid puke is the absolute worst...the smell combined with the visual is almost physically disabling to me. It's worse that shitty diapers, both have been left to me as "bonus tips"!

Stehanie said...

I really don't understand people who bring in their children and let them leave such a mess.When they are at home do they let their children throw food on the floor and any where else they feel like it?I have always thought to myself after serving a table with kids.."is this what their kitchen or diningroom looks like at home after a meal?" I highly doubt it.I believe the tip should reflect the amount of mess but unfortunately it doesn't most of the time.

Stephanie said...

I wrote the last comment and meant to put Stephanie as my name not Stehanie...

jnana said...

The table next to Rice Hell gave me a look that said one of two things: "I'm sorry you have to clean up after that messy kid" or "I'm sorry about your whole life choice situation."

.. And as if I couldn't tell she was pregnant. I think elephants gestate for less time than this woman. Her baby's arm was practically hanging out of her vagina trying to grab a french fry.

LOL Literally laughing my ass off!

Anonymous said...

funny as shit, laughed my ass off

KB said...

My minimum daily requirement of belly laughing has been met. Once again. And if I wasn't also in the restaurant business I would swear you make this stuff up.

dirtydisher said...

Why the fuck would anyone give a two year old rice like that anyhow? It's weird. And you're right, it's really hard to clean up. They sound like idiots.

bistis6 said...

@ Stehanie/Stephanie: adults can leave the same titanic messes at a restaurant, and I have often wondered the same things to myself regarding the post-meal status of their own kitchens. I can only assume that the offenders must have at one time been unrestrained rice-wielding brats with unconcerned and inconsiderate parents who blithely let them create whatever mess they wished. If you're not taught to be conscientous, you probably won't learn it on your own.

Joanne said...

I wonder which one came up with the idea of bagging cooked rice and bringing it as a plaything for a toddler. Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum?
Maybe next time it will be refried beans.
Assholes.

Practical Parsimony said...

Rice would not have been what I brought to feed my child for several reasons--it's messy, and it is not that nutritious. I would have to quit my job if I had to clean up puke from anyone, anthing, anywhere.

Poop from anyone, I can handle. I actually throw up if I have to clean up my own throwup or my babies' throwup...when I had babies/little or big children. I can clean shit from their hair, ears, shoe laces and seam of their clothes/ Throwup...it is the most horrible smell on earth.

Practical Parsimony said...

Oh, it is the sole fault of parents that children are so despised by people. Any parent can clean up after their own child who makes a horrendous mess or grovel and leave a large tip. We did it with our children. Most of the time, just paying attention to a child, monitoring the eating keeps many messes from happening. Parents raising children have been taught entitlement and are making horrendous decisions for their little children. Then, wrongly, we hate the children. I really want to tell off many of the parents I come across. Any child over three should know how to behave. Mine did know, but could not keep it together some days because they were little. I knew how to take a child to the car, on the sidewalk, or the the restroom for a little talk, little spanking, or a really huge threat. But, that would be too hard on parents of today. Don't ban children. Place a surcharge on their heads, a bounty of sorts. Maybe parents would voluntarily just not come into certain restaurants. The server could retain that $5 charge for cleaning. Of course, the tip is on the meal AND surcharge. You have to pay extra for all sorts of things these days. Make children one of those charges.

watergirl said...

/quote
"I think elephants gestate for less time than this woman. Her baby's arm was practically hanging out of her vagina trying to grab a french fry.)"
/endquote

o.O

As has happened before, I bow to the master of visual imagery. :)

:huggles:
~watergirl~

California Girl said...

This sent me to the original kid post and I have to say, I'm with you. I would be mortified if my child did that but then, my child would not have cooked rice.

My son told us a story of a family with 2 younger children who came to his restaurant. The kids couldn't make up their minds what they wanted so the parents told them, "Since you can't make up your minds, you get nothing."
The parents had their meal in front of the kids and that was that.

Barsola said...

Soooo hilarious. You, Sir, are an exceptional writer.

SharleneT said...

I'm still trying to figure out what was wrong with the parents? There is no excuse for letting a child make a mess like that for someone else to clean up. NO EXCUSE. This result, I'm sure, was no surprise and that means the child wasn't ready for public display. My guess is that this behavior was because the child was fed like an animal and had their food put directly on the chair tray, so the kid could grab willy-nilly. All foods. Pigs. Babies need a mother who can show them how humans are meant to eat. And that includes ADULTS who eat like pigs and leave a mess in a restaurant. There's no excuse for that, either. None. Zilch. It takes half a second to make sure food is held by utensils, that dropped food is picked up off the table. And napkins are meant to help you get the food off your face DURING the meal as well as at the end. Ban them all!

Lolamouse said...

We stopped taking our child out to restaurant for about a year when she was 2 because she became too unmanageable, both for us and for the poor wait staff. The last straws were when she stuffed spaghetti and meatballs into her mouth and then shook her head with open mouth and sprayed it all over the table and floor (you bet I had that mess wiped up before our waitress even knew it happened!) and when she flung her Cheerios and milk on a poor business man trying to lunch next to us in an outdoor cafe and we insisted on paying for dry cleaning. No restaurants for her after that! and we deducted it from her first allowance! ;)

Vicki said...

That freaking french fry remark...DAMN! I laughed so hard I almost embarrassed myself and had to run to the bathroom...=D You are so funny but honestly BW--it's because what you are writing about is true. This is stuff that really happens so people can relate to it. Even the people who get irritated or upset only get that way because they see themselves in your post. =D

We own a family style restaurant so I wouldn't ever consider such a ban, but I think they are necessary. Some people just don't know how to control their kids. It's almost as if they're afraid of their own children sometimes.

Well, I'm going back to work. I hope you have a better day tomorrow...or maybe not...if you had a great day at work what would you write about here? ;-)

Anonymous said...

The last thing I want to do is gross anyone out, so if you're a little easy to go green, don't read. IMO, this isn't really that bad, but I thought I'd warn you.

I've lived with cats all of my 40+ years. About 17 years ago I had one who somehow got himself a tapeworm. You know how you know there's a tapeworm in the house? Rice. Left behind, wherever he sat. I was really expecting this to be a slightly different kind of story. (And I'm always suspicious of rogue rice.)

At least they seemed aware that there was going to be a mess and at least they DID tip. It seems to me that most parents don't have a fucking clue that their "angels" are anything but perfect and behave normally. I want to give this family props for their awareness, but it also irritates me more because if they know it happens, they can prevent/clean it.

I'm with you on banning kids. Maybe not legally, but restaurant owners should be able to set their own rules around this.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if rice are the new cheerios - but I do know a couple once left a diaper with their napkins and silverware all piled on the same plate after taking their spawn and leaving my table. A USED DIAPER. On a RESTAURANT PLATE. When there was a trash can THREE FEET AWAY.

Nicci from St. Thomas

Anonymous said...

I have been in the restaurant biz for over 20 years! I havE had countless conversations with co-workers about dredding having to deal with a table, (or any given situation) when there are loud kids who are obviously not raised properly to be respectful of their elders or in a public place. I am sorry, but in today's society, kids are spoiled rotten and parents let the kids run the household. Therefore, they act out in public, as they expect to get whatever they want. Only 1 out of 10 households raise their kids to be quiet, and respect their parents. (from all the people I know that have kids)