Dear Bitchy Waiter

Weeks and weeks have passed since I have taken the time to answer a question and today is the day. Since it's about margaritas, it seemed absolutely necessary. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or you can just say hello. That's nice too.


Dear Bitchy Waiter,
Help me out here! I served a pretentious customer a strawberry margarita today and she argued on and on about the salted rim. She insisted that it's supposed to be a sugared rim instead b/c there is strawberry in it. My defence is that it's a MARGARITA despite what flavour, it gets salt! Am I wrong?

Signed,
Sara M.

Dear Sara,
I am assuming by your fancy spelling of "flavour" and "defence" that you must be from across the pond. If so, I thought you only drank ales over there in Jolly Old England. I have never been there but now that I know I can get a margarita, I may have to add the United Kingdom to my travel itinerary. In answer to your question, I concur with you. I like salt on a margarita no matter what the flavour. I have had a sugar rim a few times (is it just me or does that sound dirty?) but I always miss the salt. I think even with a sweet margarita, the salted rim is better. It gives it that sweet and salty combo that we all love so much, like chocolate covered pretzels or caramel popcorn or bacon dipped in Nutella. I hope the lady who wanted a sugar rim was not too disappointed with her saline substitute. I'm sorry, but I can't get my mind out of the gutter about a "sugar rim." I have this vision of Willy Wonka getting a taste of Oompa Loompa ass next to a chocolate waterfall. Meanwhile Augustus Gloop is passed out on a candy toadstool two feet away oblivious to the anal dining because he is in candy coma after just eating a truckload of Wonka Bars. Come to think of it, are we sure that you didn't serve Veruca Salt? I mean, after all she is British and she wants what she wants when she wants it.


I can totally imagine Veruca Salt all grown up and sitting in your station. She sashays into the restaurant with her red dress with a neat row of black buttons and orders.

Veruca: I want a margarita. I want a feast. I want a party. Pink macaroons and a million balloons and performing baboons and give it to me. I want a sugar rim, Sara and I want it now. I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now!

When Sara shows up with a margarita with a salted rim, Veruca loses it and trashes the whole restaurant. A bouncer named Charlie Bucket escorts her out but on the way back to her limo she keys Sara's car with the words "Suck my golden goose egg, bitch!"and is arrested. She ends up as the top story on the nightly news where newscaster, Mike Teavee says he always thought she was kind of a bitch. Veruca's old friend Violet Beauregarde remained in the restaurant and got drunk on blueberry vodka and lemonade until they had to roll her ass out of there.

So, Sara. I say just always use salt.

Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter

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