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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Dumb Ass at Table Four

We all hate customers who forget to leave their signed credit card slip thereby ensuring that we don't get a tip. It's annoying and I am not 100% certain that it's always an accident. Surely there are some less then moral folks who do that in order to make it appear as if it was a slip of the mind and save themselves the few extra dollars of a tip. It's similar to mailing your electricity bill and "forgetting" to include the check or not sealing the envelope so that it looks like you did enclose payment but it must have fallen out. I was stiffed last night on a $75 check but I think it really was unintentional because the man who did it is a regular who always seems half a step away from complete and utter dumb fuck.

As per the norm, I sweep the room and drop checks as soon as the show is over. I then sweep back and pick up any checks that are ready to be paid, run the cards or make change and then go back to my section to return those checks and pick up the next round. The man at booth four last night watched me walk by twice without ever coming up with a form of payment. As I stood at the bar swiping the credit cards of the four tables who did manage to hand me payment, Mr. Village Idiot wandered into the lobby with his check in his hands and asked nobody in particular, "Who do I give this to?" The man was not the brightest bulb. The lights were on but nobody was home. He was hit in the head with the stupid stick. Now, I ask you, is it that hard to figure out who to pay? There were only two servers, I was the only one who dealt with him and I was also the one who gave him his check and said "I'll pick that up whenever you're ready." To me, it seems pretty obvious, but then again my brain is not the consistency of mashed green peas mixed with bottom shelf scotch. (Truth be told, my brain is the consistency of refried beans and bottom shelf tequila, but whatever...) Enrique the bartender says, "Sir, we go through this every time. You pay your server, who is right here." Old Foggy Forgetful handed me his credit card and I told him I would take care of right it after I get through the stack of checks of people who did not stumble to the bar like lost lambs who just had lobotomies. He was put out by the fact that he was going to have to wait so I realized he was just playing dumb because he thought it would get him out faster. I took his credit card and put it at the bottom of the stack. "It'll be right here on the bar when I'm done with it." He told me he was going to go say hello to someone and would be right back. I very quickly got to his card and placed it on the bar for him to sign when he was ready. Fifteen minutes later, the card and unsigned slip was right where I had left it. Absent Minded Nutty Ass Professor was nowhere to be found. Perhaps the person he wanted to say hello to lived in New Jersey and he just wasn't back yet, but it's more likely that he saw something shiny on the sidewalk and went out to chase it.

After about ten more minutes, it was clear that he was not coming back. Maybe the shiny object he saw was the taillight of a taxi and he was now lying face down on Sixth Avenue and wondering why he suddenly had a perfect view of the back of his own ass. I had no other choice but to close the check without a tip and accept that I was getting stiffed on his $75 bill. Less than moral servers would add a tip but credit card fraud is not on my bucket list so I was willing to eat the loss. A message was left for Shit For Brains on his voice mail telling him that he could come pick up his credit card at his earliest convenience. He'll probably show up today and act all embarrassed and ashamed but you can be certain that he won't leave the tip. That would just be too kind. And we all know that shit for brains foggy forgetful absent minded professors who have mushy green pea brains mixed with cheap scotch will do anything to save themselves seven dollars and fifty cents. (You just know that he was going to leave 10%, right?) The next time he sits in my station, I will make sure to give him his check right away and I won't leave until I see him scrawl out his signature (in the form on an X, no doubt) on his credit card slip. There still probably won't be a tip but I can deal with that. If he can accept that his brain is smoother than the humus on our menu, I can accept that he can't understand that I live on tips. I just hope he doesn't mind that the bottom shelf scotch on the rocks he orders might be in a smaller glass with a shitload of ice and a little bit of water that went over my thumb on the way into the glass.



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11 comments:

Rachel said...

Sometimes, it's hard to know who you hate more as a server--genuine assholes, or genuine morons. I always say 'assholes', but perhaps its because they are more plentiful than total morons. The ones who make the people who ask what goes in a dish when the menu is right in front of them seem like card-carrying members of Mensa. The ones who make you start laughing because you thought they were joking...and they weren't...but they aren't offended...because they aren't smart enough to know they should be.

Anonymous said...

Wow you got you're panties in a bunch over that?? No wonder you don't get tipped as often as you should. Customers can see fake kindness like a dog smells fear. Maybe change your attitude and you'll increase your tax bracket.

Suzi Young said...

I don't know about the rest of you BW lovers, but I am sick of Anonymous! If you have the balls to post, positive or negative, you should have the balls to at least give a first name! Bitchy has created a forum where he can VENT! Anyone who has spent two weeks in the service industry knows that it is IMPERATIVE to get stuff off your chest. If you just want to stir the pot then GO AWAY! His fans Far out weigh his haters! I love you Bitchy! Thank you for speaking my mind!!

Practical Parsimony said...

"[L]ike lost lambs who just had lobotomies."--alliteration and perfect scansion. Priceless!

Is it my feverish brain tonight (ill), or does that second paragraph need to be at least two paragraphs?

I always assume that BW goes a little over the top in his descriptions of people and attitudes. By doing that, he captures the whole atmosphere and frustration of a server's experiences. That is what he does best. He is a good writer, entertaining, fairly clean, and soooo funny. Vent away. It makes us better customers...oh yeah....NOT. A little hyperbole is what runs many industries where there are creative people.

Adam Hawthorne said...

Is some anonymous internet poster really trying to assess your work performance? How amazing that they are able to determine from posting on the internet that you exhibit unconvincing "fake kindness" and even more amazing is the fact that this (clearly unattractive) person is in a position to ADVISE YOU on how to improve your work performance.
And may I ask, exactly what qualifies this individual to state that you are not getting tipped as often as you should?

Maybe this individual should consider worrying about some of the problems plaguing their own inadequate life... ...the most obvious of which is the fact they they are clearly not having sex, followed closely by the issues undoubtedly caused by the fact that they fucking think they know everything when they clearly don't.

Robin said...

I have been here since you started this blog. I have posted things you have written on my FB page, shared your link on another site and wrote to you privately once or twice. I truly enjoy your blog and I have no doubt that based on your effort's your future is a bright one.

That said, this post was awful. Not your shining moment. You have no clue why this man is the way he is and truthfully, it is none of your business. For whatever reason, he likes to come to your establishment. He pays to be there and I don't think that going over something everytime he comes there should be a bother to your co-worker either. He pays to come there everytime so if he want's something told to him everytime then he shouldn't be "scolded" by anybody.

I am also disapointed by your tone, this man may indeed be forgetful, or the other myriad of names you called him and this may be the only place he feels comfortable. Was the meaness you just spewed worth $7.50 ?

Man, what did those Dr. Phill folks do to you?

I Love The Bitchy Waiter. Not sure about the hateful waiter.

Robin

Becky said...

I for one did not think BW was being hateful at all....just his normal funny, entertaining, fabulously bitchy self....and just for the record...people who don't leave the signed CC slip are usually assholes...there are exceptions, but as a rule thats generally true...love you Bitchy!

-C said...

Tonight my restaurant didn't have a moron like yours, we had a straight up asshole. My server (I work as a backserver) tonight got stiffed on a $400 check. Straight up stiffed - no accidentally forgot to sign, no writing the wrong thing in the tip box or writing the wrong total. This asshole wrote a big fat $0 on the tip. And my server's one of the nicest we had, no long waits (slow night).

Bleck.

bistis6 said...

I think I know who you're talking about. Tell me...was there the usual overpowering stench of a bucket-and-a-half of Polo cologne?

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous. This is the life of a server/waiter. If you don't like it, go to school and get a real job. I worked for $12/hr at a call center while going to school to get my masters degree. If you don't like your job or if one person gets to you this badly then it ruins the service to everyone else. Maybe check your tampon. Is it in sideways or something?

Maria said...

Dear Anonymous with the Masters Degree: I find it hard to believe that in all your years of higher education, you have not come across the concept of hyperbole. It means obvious and intentional exaggeration. Also, one would think you would have the reading skills to look for literary clues, such as the name of the blog. He says he's bitchy right there in the title.

Here is another thing they should have taught you while you were getting your higher education: chiding someone for his attitude while making sexist (and mildly nauseating) tampon comments ruins any shred of credibility you may have had.