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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Earthquakes and Hurricanes



I don't know if you have heard, but the end of the world is on its way. No, I am not talking about the rapture that was supposed to happen last May, I am talking about the other definitive signs. First off, there is a freakin' hurricane heading to New York City. That shit never happens and I just canceled my Cape Cod vacation thanks to Hurricane Irene. The only other Irene I ever knew was a friend of my Grandma's about a hundred years ago. I guess anything and everything named Irene is a fucking bitch on wheels, is that it? My apologies if your name is Irene and you are a nice lady, but I doubt it.

The second sure sign that the end is near was that we had an earthquake in New York City on Tuesday. I did not feel it. Friends of mine did, but not me. When it happened, I was sitting in a park reading the newspaper. No, I was not too drunk to feel the earth move under my feet, it was just so minor here that is was pretty much a non-event. This was my first earthquake and I expected more from it. After all, I saw the movie Earthquake in 1974 so I know all about seismic tremors. My mom took me to see it with her friend Doris when I was seven years old. I have since asked her why she took her child to see such a scary movie. Her reply? "Did I take you to see that? Hmm, I don't remember that all, I guess I couldn't find a babysitter." Well, I remember because it gave me nightmares. How can any seven year old child forget that scene where all those people plummet to their death in an elevator? It was so realistic to me as a child; even that corny animated blood splatter that filled the screen. When I got to work after the earthquake, I expected to see bottles of liquor oozing life onto the floor and parts of the ceiling dangling above overturned tables and chairs. Instead, I saw that we were out of regular coffee so it was going to be all decaf all the time that night. My experience with the earthquake is pretty much summed up in this video:



But now we have Hurricane Irene to deal with. Not only will it wreak havoc with our lives, for those of us in the restaurant world, it's going to hurt us in our pocketbook too. I mean, how many people are going to want to go out to eat this weekend during a hurricane?

"Honey, I don't feel like cooking tonight. What do you say we get the canoe and paddle over to the restaurant for dinner? Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"Well, dear, I dunno. The wind is really strong out there, maybe we should take the sailboat."

"Oh sweetheart, you think of everything."

Yeah, not gonna happen. My suggestion to restaurant owners up and down the east coast is to have a Hurricane Special. You turn the televisions to the Weather Channel, make the cocktail of the day a $5 hurricane., take 10% all checks and see what happens. Or just accept that no one is going to come in and close up for the day. That way we can all have our own hurricane party. You fill your house with junk food, liquor, batteries and candles and get drunk off your ass. Turn on the TV and make a drinking game out of it; every time Sam Champion says "wind gusts" you take a shot.

I am off to the grocery store to stock up on food. You know that the the bread aisle is already empty and there is no milk anywhere. In the event of a natural disaster, people always buy up every loaf of bread they can get their hands on. As long as there is still vodka and tequila at the liquor store, I think I can make it through the storm. I just won't be in Provincetown and that pisses me off. I hate you, Irene. You suck.

Next stop on the End of the World Express: locusts.




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11 comments:

MarketsNYC said...

It's just all hell breaking loose.

Earthquake damage in Brooklyn:
http://sirenemediaworks.tumblr.com/

Kalei's Best Friend said...

I knew someone in Chicago who couldn't believe I could live thru an earthquake ( yeah, I am from Calif.) she said she could take the snow... well earthquakes aren't as frequent as snow, blizzards, hurricane, tornadoes... I lived thru the 6.9 back in 1994 as well as the Sylmar one back in the 70's... a friend blogged about the folks in NY who mugged for the camera- makes one wonder... anywho, no one from the East, South or North can laugh at the ones on the west coast... You all are vulnerable...lol

Mary A. said...

Forgive a little blatant self-promotion: http://www.giftoffat.com/2011/08/jealous-of-irene.html

But yeah. . .we need the rain.

Sorry that your vaca is fubar tho.

Elizabeth S. said...

I live in Northern VA, close to DC, and yeah I had no clue, NO CLUE what was going on. I honestly thought the upstairs neighbor was pounding on the floor - she's loud sometimes, so it wasn't unlikely! Then I thought our building was gonna collapse, seriously. But here I am, at least physically, ok! I went to undergrad near VA Beach and hurricanes were always good for getting out of school. Now they're just a nuisance. And one of our local weathermen said he's not worried about Irene, which, of course, makes me worry. You know how weathermen are!

Adam Hawthorne said...

I went to Walmart and bread was slightly more abundant than gallons of water. There were three bottles left on the shelf that were clearly DAMAGED and leaking, but this did nothing to deter people from frantically running up to them ready to fight anyone else who got too close.

We're not even going to be hit by Irene here either, which I think is the best part. Hopefully Hurricane Fucktard will be a brief event.

Pepper Potts said...

Oh Lord. Don't even get me started. I'm training at my restaurant this weekend, which is inside a hotel. So, if somehow we do get a direct hit (right now we won't, but you never know--), the place is going to be slammed. Since I'm training I don't get to keep any tips.

Damn you hurricane...you should have waited one more week! :(

Jasmine said...

I'm glad I talked my fiance out of moving to North Carolina. Hopefully everything is okay there!

Krissy said...

This is nothing far from new. The east coast used to get hit with hurricanes and earthquakes back in the day. They're just not frequent.

That's right. History freak.

Oh YEAH! :)

Anonymous said...

I heart P-Town so I am sad that you had to cancel. Husband and I just went through then tropical storm Irene in St. Thomas. We have flights booked on Monday for our annual visit back home. Home, unfortunately, is Cape Cod. We've decided it would be nice to not deal with Irene (ironically my Aunt's name) a second time, so here's hoping she weakens dramatically after colliding with the Carolinas and skirts out to sea to swim with the fishies.

Nicci

Anonymous said...

Bitchy Waiter was headed to my neck of the woods?? Stupid Irene, how I hate you soo.. The Cape is amazing, wish you could be here :(
-Nessa van O.

LadyRapunzel said...

I was in the car so I didn't feel the earthquake, and where I live (a little west of Philly) the hurricane was just a thunderstorm that lasted all night. I feel like I missed out.