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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Caught Up in The Bitchy Rapture

Seeing that today is the day of rapture and some of us will be taken into the loving bosom of the Lord Jesus Christ our savior in Heaven, I must acknowledge this historic moment. This could very well be the last post I ever write. If the predictions are true, on May 21st at 6:00 PM (in your time zone) the world will begin to quake and it is the beginning of the end. This, according to 89 year old Harold Camping who is the founder of Family Radio. The saved Christian souls will ascend to heaven, including those dead and buried. All others will remain as the Earth falls into fiery chaos. I can only assume that I will be one left in the fiery chaos since, you know, I'm a bitch and all that. It sucks because it's just one week until my birthday too. Total bummer. So I thought I could give you a few pointers on how to prepare for the rapture and judgement day:
  • Go out to eat tonight and leave your waiter a huge tip. Just max out your credit card. If the bill is $47 and you have $1689 left of credit on your account, you should leave the waiter $1689. Your generosity may score you some bonus points and get you into Heaven.
  • Stock up on sun screen. We will still have five months before the world ends and I suspect it'll be pretty warm with all the fire and brimstone and shit.
  • Discard any plans you had for your Halloween costume because the world will be done on October 21st and you probably won't need a costume in hell.
  • Go to iTunes or YouTube and download Blondie's "Rapture" or Anita Baker's "Caught Up in the Rapture" because I am pretty sure if you are playing one of those songs when God comes down, you get a "Get Out of Hell Free" card.
  • Since my birthday is May 29th, you should just go ahead and click here to give me my present now.
  • When you see that guy in the subway tunnel between the 7 train and the F train who screams about the Bible, just tell him, "Hey, can you save me a seat tomorrow?"
  • Go see Bridesmaids because I heard it's really funny and I have a feeling it won't be as funny on Sunday when you are surrounded by demons, devils and flames. Who knows, though. That Kristen Wiig is one funny lady and her humor may be funny enough to put Armageddon in its place.
  • Call this place to make sure your pets are taken care of. Apparently, all dogs don't go to Heaven and you need to make arrangements or Fluffy and Fido are gonna be wandering around down here all alone.
  • Make sure you take some Dramamine, because if you are one of the lucky few to ascend to Heaven, I suspect that it will be a long flight with much turbulence. I would also suggest taking some granola bars because I don't think a meal is offered. Cocktails and other beverages may be available but as always, exact change is appreciated.
  • You might want to get your hair done because if you end up in Heaven, you want to look nice when you meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. If you don't go to Heaven, you should be able to get an appointment at any salon after Saturday because so many of them are owned and operated by the gays and they are total sinners who will never get into Heaven no matter how hard they try.
  • Just go ahead and tell your boss, "Fuck off, asshole. Go to Hell!" See what happens.
  • If you were planning on doing laundry this weekend, don't bother.
  • Ask your Jewish friends if they can water your plants for you when you are taken up and they are left behind for being non-believers in Jesus Christ.
  • If you are meek, prepare to inherit the earth. Congratulations!
  • Place your "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker on your front door so God knows where to find you.
  • You don't want to show up to Heaven empty handed. It's rude. Might I recommend Rapture® by Victoria's Secret? Jesus' mom will appreciate the thought.
  • When you go out tonight, drink as many margaritas as you want because your hangover won't matter tomorrow. You can either ask God for an aspirin when you get to his place or you can just sleep it off. Chances are good that you won't have to go to work tomorrow because the world will need a couple of days to adjust to everything. I would think by Monday or Tuesday the trains in New York City will be running again with occasional delays. You might be able to go to work late on Monday too. Just use the old "Sorry, I was caught up in the rapture" excuse. It works every time.
Good luck everyone. And good bye. Or see you later. Or see you tomorrow. Whatever. God Bless.



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21 comments:

E.Rigby said...

You are awesome! My mom has the same birthday! And once again you are awesome!

zena said...

Bitchy, this is the funniest post you've written. Jesus would be proud.

Kelly said...

I really, really, really love this blog.... and this post especially. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, long live the F train.

Mary A. said...

I'll go to confession. . .just in case.

And I thik we're all going to be pretty surprised who we'll see in heaven & who we won't!

Just glad it's not MY decision.

Tania said...

I LOVE YOU! As a 36 year old bartender/waitress that works in midtown, I feel like you are my soul sista! You have to give me a clue where u work...make it like a dan brown novel type of clue because I'm sure you won't come right out and tell me...I would love to go out to dinner and max my credit card leaving you the big tip!

California Girl said...

so I wanted to find out where all dogs DO go and clicked your link. here's what I found:

IMPORTANT NOTICE 5/20/11: DUE TO UNPRESCEDENTED EMAIL VOLUME OUR EMAIL REPLY ABILITY HAS BEEN MAXED OUT. ONLY CONTRACT SUBMISSIONS WITH PAYPAL SUBMISSIONS WILL BE REPLIED TO IMMEDIATELY. ALL OTHER INQUIRES AND EMAILS WILL BE REPLIED TO BUT WITHIN THE NEXT 24 TO 48 HOURS. OUR APOLOGIES.

Skimming the paragraph after this noticification, it seems they are encouraging Believers, Atheists & whatever to use them...and people have responded! Go figure.

Pyro's Gal said...

Well, damn! San Francisco at 6 p.m.? We have 8:30 dinner reservations. Although, I think I may have sinned enough I'll still be around to eat and tip the server well.

The Empress said...

Hilarious!

Franci said...

That was awesome.

Bagel Fairy said...

Guess it doesn't matter if I'm a no-call/no-show tomorrow.

Practical Parsimony said...

Since my car is a 2000 and my friend's car is a 2011. paid for already, I left her a voice message to leave the keys in it so I can have it when it abandoned. She did not think this remark was funny several months ago. She has not returned my call...oh well, there will be plenty to choose from tomorrow. Plus, the city is going to condemn my house on May 31 and seize it, I called my exbf and told him to leave the keys somewhere, door open to his house, and a will on the refrigerator that leaves the house to me. It's paid for too. He said he did not think it was funny because he had heard it all day. Hmmm, one of the reasons he is an ex. BW, this is possibly your best post so far. Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Can I like this a billion times! I know I won't be raptured so this will count.

Woodcider said...

I know I won't be Raptured, so this will count.

Lea Martin said...

Fantastic comments! Well done!

Carolyn said...

Urgent update... Brisbane, Australia is still waiting our turn. It's 26 minutes late...

So glad I bought food and actually cooked dinner! Otherwise we might have starved to death in the meantime. Not as much fun as finding out if you're a 'chosen one'

Sorry BW, you still have to write...

PricklyChick said...

I absolutely love it. The sheer insanity of this 5/21/11 hypothesis is astounding... not to mention the hundreds of people who have blown their life savings in preparation for it. Some poor schmuck in the city blew $140,000 of his retirement savings on posters for the subways proclaiming the end of the world. Sad.

lisleman said...

I wrote down a few end notes myself. Since I'm writing this comment in the middle of Sat. afternoon and the 6PM time has travel more that half the world, I think it's a fail. Major rapture fail. Anyone taking bets on the next date?

Frank the Angry Lobster said...

I am a Christian, but I don't believe in what that old guy says. Only God would know when it comes and I doubt he's appreciative of some zealot making (admittedly gullible) people panic.

Also, I don't get why some comments say that this is one of the best posts ever. I yukked a yuk or two, but I yukked much more on other posts. BW has already topped this by a bajillion.

pilgrimchick said...

Sunscreen--there is something I haven't thought of.

DePuy ASR Recall said...

It feel strange when people are starting to talk about the end of the world and then quoting the bible. The bible says that no one will ever know when Jesus would come. Apparently, these guys have done some serious calculations, stirring the masses, and sending all of them to their frenzy. Best Wishes. Tim

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