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Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Cheap Ass Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, I went to work and had the cheapest ass bitches in all the land sit in my station. Hos from far and wide wanted to grace my presence and each and every one of them kept their pennies pinched tighter than a twat at a tumbling tournament. (That makes no sense at all, but I like the alliteration.) The first maiden I took an order from exclaimed surprise at being required to have two beverages during her time with me. "I wasn't planning on drinking, my lord. I thought it was just a show." "Sorry, m'lady.," I countered. "Two drink minimum." It says it on the postcard for the show and the menu. We told you when you made your reservation and we told you again when you were given your seating pass. Suck it up. She ordered hot tea because she thought it would be cheap. It's the least expensive thing on the menu, but it's not cheap. It's $5.50 for a cup of tea and another $5.50 for the second. Two drink minimum achieved!

Every table I went to that night was like that. The future of my tips was not looking good. For when people order hot teas and bottled waters instead of a signature ($15.95) martini, the check averages are low and the gratuities are even lower. The performer that night was a hot mess in a dress who sounded like she had been booted out of her church choir and decided to set up shop at my job instead. Between the caterwauling on the stage and the bleeding from my ears, it was not a fun night. After she gave her unrequested and decidedly unnecessary encore, I handed out checks to the tables. Most of them looked like they couldn't wait to get out of there and go rinse their ears out with peroxide and stab their eyes out with forks. The first person who gave me their check asked for change. The bill was $12.98. She handed me fifteen dollars. When I returned with her two dollars and two cents, the money went right into her fake Louis Vuitton hand bag and she stumbled out on her wannabe Manolo Blahnik shoes that she got at the BOGO sale at Payless last week. Customer after customer stiffed me. Maybe they were subconsciously punishing the performer since they were so angry that she had raped their eardrums for the past hour.

Another lady called me over to retrieve her check. As I approached the table, I saw a pile of coins. "My dear sirrah," she said. "My bill is $28.08. Please take these twenty-three dollars in bills and two dollars in coins. And I asketh that you put $3.08 on this credit card. I do hope it goes through." Who the hell has to worry that their credit line is good enough for a three dollar charge? This lady, that's who. I scooped up the crumbled bills and the coins and went to the credit card machine to run it. Thankfully it went through because I had a feeling if it didn't she was going to ask to wash some dishes in exchange. Of course she left no tip.

Another man handed me his credit card which got a big fat "declined" when I swiped it. "Forsooth, try it again, my dear sir," he said. I did. It was still declined. He fished another card out that was approved. No tip.

After they all left, I started to count my money to assess the damage. With 18 people in the room, I made thirty dollars, half of which would go to the bartender. Just last week I had only seven people in the room and made ninety bucks because they knew how to tip with class. They were also older gay men which always helps. I divided up the thirty dollars and pulled out the handful of change to split it as well. One of the quarters was Canadian. Bitch didn't even have American money.

It was not a good night, but once I realized it was going to suck, I just went onto automatic pilot and got through the night. When it's that bad, all you can do is laugh at this ridiculous profession we have chosen and suck down a glass of Pinot Grigio. After my glass of wine, I was okay with the lords and ladies who didn't know how to tip for service. I assumed that karma would get them in the end and if not karma then maybe a big ass fire breathing dragon can scorch their asses into oblivion. Or at the very least the M15 bus can splash some nasty sewer water up on their leg when they are walking to subway. And then I can live happily ever after.

The End.

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dirtydisher said...

I really thought people there would be better tippers. I mean, I live in Podunk Iowa so I always expected no tips (and got it), but, damn. I guess city people are cheap ass ignorant fuck wads too.

Bouncin' Barb said...

These folks want to look the part but clearly they should not be allowed in unless they can tip properly. Sad part is that you don't know until it's time to pay the bill. That sucks.

Levonne said...

Hey Bitchy Waiter. It's been a while since I was by. On my journey you know. I see you still have your wit and your story-telling ability. Now you're at a new place. I hope the tips are better the rest of the week. Keep on truckin'!

The Empress said...

That sucks big sweaty hairy donkey balls. Here is to fire breathing dragons that like to make appetizers out of cheap tippers!

Mary A. said...

I also love older gay men.

Sorry there weren't any at your show that night.

Jill said...

I'm sorry there were no gay men of any age or straight women with fail gaydars. I know you're taken but hey, attention is attention, amiright?

Wanton Redhead Writing said...

Ye gods! Were ye smote with herpes lesions or something?

Bastards, all of them.

Anonymous said...

once upon a time? hahaha. cute

I wrote a childrens story just last week. the snowy owl.

It twas very hard to write. Considering
I deal with many tough *itches and smug bastards

bitter world. laughs

Clear thinking said...

The canadian dollar is higher then the American dollar right now... Just saying.

Auto Title Loans said...

Do you have the 'Suggested Tip' on your receipts? If not, you should. It's always a pleasant slap in the face to cheap customers.

Gallo said...

Hey Bitchy you should move to Canada, here they will actually won t let you go if you DO NOT TIP or tip less than 15% even if the service was the shits!!!

Amanda said...

Love reading your blog. It has definitely made me a better tipper! I used to routinely give 15% if the service was bad, good, or great. Now I give somewhere in the neighborhood of 20-30% for good or great service. I think tipping is fun, especially if your server was great and you know he/she deserves it. Boo to idiots who leave nothing or less than 15%. :(

Mind Of Mine said...

Do you charge on the door when you have performer on. If so, I can agree why people might by annoyed by the two drink minimum rule.