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Monday, May 9, 2011

The Most Annoying Customer in the World

Remember last week when I told you about the two guys who stayed at my job 45 minutes after we closed because they couldn't catch a clue even if it was covered in Velcro? They are regulars and one of them graced us with his presence again recently and I got to listen to him talk for the whole length of my shift. Yes, I am truly saying that he was there when I punched in blabbing his mouth and his engine was still running when I punched out and said goodbye. It really boggles my mind that he can talk incessantly about absolutely nothing and not ever realize that the people around him feel trapped, miserable, suicidal and brain dead. As he yammers on, you feel for his victims who innocently sat next to him at the bar and ended up being caught in his trap of conversation. They try to send signals with their eyes for rescue. Their eyes are saying things like, "Why is this guy talking to me? and "Isn't my table ready yet?" and "Can someone please shoot me?" It's really sad.

Well, I took a few notes of the things that he was boring us with recently and I thought you would want to know some of his thoughts:
  • He gave a play by play description of this video about a dog. He reenacted the whole thing to some sad lady who was waiting for her friend. I saw the video on Facebook. We all saw it on Facebook. But his interpretation of it was just plain fucking annoying. Shut the fuck up.
  • He gave a run down of all the zoos in New York City, including the Bronx Zoo, the Central Park zoo and the one in Brooklyn. He told us which days are best to go visit and how much they cost. He also had some thoughts about certain animals being held in captivity. He aggressively believes that polar bears should never ever under any circumstances be held in captivity. No word on how he feels about, black bears, brown bears, grizzly bears, koala bears, panda bears or the Sri Lankan Sloth bear but polar bears should for sure never ever be held in captivity. Shut the fuck up.
  • He gave us a dissertation 0n the various brick oven pizzas in and around New York City. Because you, know, he's an expert on brick oven pizzas. Shut the fuck up.
  • He told us the proper way to cook garlic and here's a news flash: you don't want it to get too brown. Thank you, Barefoot Fucking Contessa now shut the fuck up.
  • He went into a diatribe about the royal wedding. He thinks Kate Middleton is prettier than Princess Diana was and when discussing Kate's sister Pippa he had some very strong opinions. I quote: "How dare that bitch wear a white dress!" Shut the fuck up.
When it was time for me to leave, I gave a simple prayer of thanks and escaped without ever having his words directed to me. He's like Medusa. If you look at her you turn to stone. If you look at this guy, you spend the rest of the night wishing that your feet were tied to a bag of stones that were being thrown into the East River. Death, take me away. Shut the fuck up.




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15 comments:

SkippyMom said...

He sounds retired. And lonely - and I can almost guarantee his wife left a longggg time ago.

Tonya said...

Wonder what he thinks about himself when he goes home? Does he think that he had a really productive day of "helping" people?

Nightgaunt said...

Holy @#*^@#. Does anyone ACTUALLY give a flying pile of dog turd about who wears white to a wedding these days anyway? I mean the whole "White Wedding" invention is surprisingly modern as is. SO WHO GIVES A FART??

Completely random gripe aside, I think I've met this type. X_X I'm so so so sorry. UGH!

Ninja Kitty Extraordinaire said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ninja Kitty Extraordinaire said...

Well that settles it. I can never visit NY. I would be that person he zeroes in on and proceeds to drain the soul from. What can I say? It's a goddamned gift.

That said, I wonder if he'd respond to being hit w/ a spray bottle filled w/ ice water and/or chloroform? Just a thought.... Good luck, Love.

Mary A. said...

But you gotta agree -- Pippa is a whore. . . .

Twinkie said...

"Thank you, Barefoot Fucking Contessa" HAHAHAHAHAHA!

bamazalea said...

next time you see him, tell him Pippa wore white in protest of polar bears being caged in zoos

Noelle said...

funny post, funny comments,

We have a regular like this except he can't hear. So when your forced to respond he ALWAYS says huh? If you speak up he accuses us of yelling. I think he's a dear but it's kind of exhausting.

Gallo said...

LOL. He is probably sooo lonely, but I agree, I cant stand strangers who even in the elevator start chatting all of their life between the 2nd and the 11th floor.

I hope he at least, is a good tipper.

The Empress said...

If the guy also sucks his teeth then I think I used to work with him. Everyone wanted to drop kick his damn head down the hallway. I almost did. My boss secretly grinned when it happened. Try it. You might like it : )

khalid bin waleed said...

if he is old be patient with him, then excuse ya self from his precence,, if not then tell him i got work to do after the first 15 seconds...simple

Jes said...

I've got to say- something about this guy strikes me as so, so sad. Is he a dick? Please tell me he's a huge jerk about everything so I won't feel so bad for him. Don't get me wrong- I have no patience for this type of shit in my own life- but hearing about it second-hand makes me feel sad for him.

California Girl said...

I know exactly what you mean. I had a client like that. When he called, we'd all play throw the phone to one another just to see who'd get stuck talking to him. The worst was having face-to-face meetings, a necessary evil in a sales & marketing situation. He'd always book them around a meal so I'd have to listen to him talk for 30 minutes about his cat and pick up the tab, while trying to get him back on task. I'd always end up faking out with, "I have another appointment now" or "I have to get home to my dogs" and he always followed me to my car, incessantly running his mouth. Cutting my wrists, strangling myself, shooting myself or him...all options considered during our encounters. Luckily, he was recently fired and is moving to Colorado. Yea!

VanityofVanities said...

haha. Based from his behavior and issues in his conversation, he is indeed very annoying. I think there is no one in his family who wants to talk to him, that's why he got a dog whom he could talk too. Well, that's just a presumption, eh.

Cheers,
Cathy@forceps