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Friday, August 26, 2011

The 411 on the #2

In an ongoing effort to keep this blog classy, today I have chosen a topic of discussion that will elevate our forum to a new level of taste and decorum: poop. It is certainly not the first time I have discussed this. How can we forget the unfortunate mishap of poop in the trash can or the story of the poopy diaper left at the table? Both good stories, indeed, but let us delve deeper into the dark brown mystery of pooing in public.

Last week, I had a moment that made me question every life choice I have ever made. It happened when I went into the bathroom to blow out the candles and close up for the night. When I opened the door, a wall of odor knocked me down and raped my olfactory system. That smell tied me up, gagged me, and had its unprotected way with my nose. Someone had way too many lentils in their diet and used our restaurant bathroom to release the hounds of hell from their bowels into our toilet. I don't know about you, but I need optimum conditions for doing a number two anywhere else but my own home. There is a whole formula that goes into account before I decide if it is worth pooping in a public restroom: how badly do I need to go, what are the consequences of holding it, how clean is the bathroom, is it a single use bathroom, what type of toilet paper is there, what is the likelihood of people knocking on the door and most importantly, will the smell seep out of the bathroom and let others know what I was doing in there? I know we all poop, but I still find it easier to pretend that we all don't.

I hate cleaning the bathroom at my job. When it comes time for that, a simple sweep with a dry broom is about as far as I am willing to go. My cheap ass manager won't spring for liners for the trash cans, so when it's time to empty them, there is always the chance of a runaway tampon popping out to say hello. It's not easy to empty a trash can without actually touching it, but I have managed to do it with the use of multiple paper towel and good balance. One time the trash can rubbed up against my shirt and I just about fainted right there. The only thing that kept me from fainting was knowing that if I did, I would then end up actually touching the floor with my face. Seeing that I don't even like my shoes to touch the bathroom floor, my face touching it is not an option.

But there I was last week surrounded by the smell of hell. It was like a skunk made love to a rotten egg and then rolled around in Jennifer Lopez Live Eau de Parfum Spray. I bolted out of the bathroom and looked for the offender. I suspected the cook but the dishwasher looked mighty guilty too. I took a deep breath and went back in to fill the soap dispenser and make sure there were paper towels. Once out of the bathroom, I released the breath and prepared to go back in. I took another deep breath and grabbed the candle and trash can. This process was repeated three times making me hyperventilate and wish that I was anything in the world other than a waiter who had to do a goddamn bathroom check at the end of the night.

I suppose some people can do a number two any time and anywhere and if it means they do it in a restaurant, then so be it. I'm just not programmed for that. At my other job, I work with a guy who has no issue with it whatsoever. On my first day there, I walked into the bathroom where I found him standing next to the stall with his pants unbuttoned and his hands on his hips. "Bad news, dude. The toilet's clogged and I just took a huge dump." "Oh, okay," I said. "It's nice to meet you."

What a shitty job I have sometimes. And by the way, does anyone else hate this commercial for Angel Soft where the guy keeps yelling to his wife that they're all out of toilet paper? "Can you toss me a roll?" he asks repeatedly. You know what, dude? How about you keep the extra toilet paper in the bathroom instead of asking your wife to keep throwing it at you. Or better yet, go get it your fucking self, lazy ass. And also on the subject of toilet paper commercials, I am sick of seeing those goddamn Charmin bears who always have toilet paper dingle berries hanging off their asses. Hey ad execs: bears may shit in the woods but they don't use toilet paper and everyone I know thinks those commercials are disgusting. Stop it.

And this concludes my classy and elegant discussion about poo.



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22 comments:

Anonymous said...

holy shit that was funny!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh dear lord. Grow up. Thank god you don't have your arm halfway up a sheep's ass.

Spritz it or something. Sheesh, princess.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Who says I don't have my arm halfway up a sheep's ass? And it's *pretty* princess, thanks.

Mary A. said...

Wow -- an opportunity to shamelessly promote my own blog! Here is the girl's perspective:

http://www.giftoffat.com/2010/09/she-broke-rule.html

Krissy said...

Anonymous, who are you to tell a grown man what to Blog about?

Aunty Pol said...

Oh Dear Bitchy, I am just at a loss for words.
I have come to look forward to anonymous's comments ( the sheep one to be specific) because their ire adds a certain something to the overall post.

Waving from Houston..off to go look for a sheep.

The Empress said...

I've never understood the whole pooping in public places thing. Maybe the sort of folks that do it either don't have modern day plumbing in their homes or perhaps they have weak bowel control. The thought of sitting down on a nasty public toilet and doing one's business is gross. No one wants to listen to or smell some woman shit and fart the remains of last nights pig-out at Taco Bell while she is on a run to buy jumbo sized maxi pads and Hostess Ding Dongs at Target. Sure everyone poops but please try and do it in the privacy of your home. That is all.

Practical Parsimony said...

I had never seen the commercial of the guy walking around, asking the wife to toss toilet paper. How awful. Unless he is sitting there, ready to wipe, he should get the toilet paper himself. Even if they usually store the tp in the bathroom and she is just resupplying the home, he should still WALK to get it. He probably won't even put it on the roll holder!

Anonymous, it is his blog. You don't like anything, so why don't you go start a blog for yourself? Hmmmm?

I hate the bears and the wiping on the tree and the stuck bit of tp. People old enough to buy your tp have also gotten over walking around with tp stuck in their poopy places. It is not even amusing or cute.

Isn't their a health dept ruling about having the bathroom waste in a plastic bag? Check it out.

When I was at work or out, I rarely had the urge for #2, but as I rounded the corner to my home, the urge hit. If I have the urge when not home, it is an emergency that cannot wait until I am safely at home. Thankfully, I have gotten old enough to not care what my poop smells like.

However, in the confines of a small restroom, especially in a restaurant, I am somewhat embarrassed. I am still young enough to be embarrassed...lol.

That seems to be a contradiction. What I am saying is that if I HAVE TO GO NOW, I will not try to delay until I get home, because I would really hate to have to clean my car seats of poop!

Funny post.

Jennifer Kay said...

I have never laughed so loud while reading your blog before. Awesome!

Chelsea said...

I don't know why, but for some reason in the almost two years I worked at a restaurant on the UWS at least three people took a shit in the bathroom. And I don't mean in the toilet, where it belongs, but on the floor. Or all over the floor. Even some on the walls. Luckily, I never had to clean up that mess (and you could never pay me enough to do something as nasty as that), but this post reminded me of that. People are disgusting, and working in the restaurant industry makes sure that you never forget that!

Heather & Chris said...

You know Anonymous has to be the true offender! haha Great post like always!

Krissy said...

Pooping in public is fun! I don't know what y'all all embarrassed about. Think about it: you'll never see those people again. Poop in public all you want :)

S'A said...

I'm with you on this one--every word! And why can't we just have Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin?

California Girl said...

I relate to this because we have public toilets across from our offices and they are used by every tourist visiting our area and they smell to high heaven on a daily basis. I complain constantly to the landlord to fix it: bigger fans, air freshener, make signs to direct these people elsewhere (hell or the porta potties in the park works for me) but to no avail. There are just days when the smell of poop permeates the bldg, eeking it's way (yes, I mean "eek") into our offices. The clients who visit us love it. Makes us look so classy.

dirtydisher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dirtydisher said...

I despise those damn bears with lint on thier assholes more than anyone. I almost did a post on it. Glad someone else hates those nasty things.

3:28 PM..why would you put your arm up a sheep's ass? Up the sheeps birth canal I could understand..if you're a farmer, but, up it's ass? Really? You have problems. You probably hold your dump so you can do it in public.

Rennifer said...

At my last restaurant, I had the pleasure of working with two cooks who had a marathon that they called the "Tour de Deuce." This involved taking a shit in every bathroom in the same day: women's public, men's public, employee men's, and employee women's. They claimed that the optimum time was on a Sunday, following the Saturday night consumption of vast quantities of High Life. If they forgot to start with the public women's first thing in the morning, a whole day's worth of shit-talking could be ruined. You can imagine the number of discussions that this lead to.

justlikedads said...

I so feel for you. Our hostesses have to do the bathroom checks so I'll consider myself blessed. They've never mentioned any horrendous odors but they aren't as classy as you are.
Our restaurant has a separate bathroom for the staff and that place gets nasty. I don't know how people can #2 in a public restroom, I'm with you on that. Read an article in Saturday Review (I know you remember) back in the 70's about just that. The article said you just don't do it unless it's illness or another emergency. This has really shaped my adult life, and served me well. I wish that article were on the internet, everyone should read it. Thanks for the laugh.

Sov said...

And I'm so glad I read. the. whole. thing.

Jess said...

Your thoughts on the Angel Soft guy are exactly what I think every time I see that damn commercial.
I enjoyed your classy poop post.
Jess

Jason said...

I had to clean the men's bathroom at our restaurant one night. I went in with some window cleaner to clean the mirror as I assessed the days damages. I noticed someone was occupying one of the stalls and boy did it stink. After being annoyed that someone felt the need to take a dump in our establishment so late, I left to go do other side work.

I walked back inside the bathroom as the man from the stall was coming back. I walked over to the toilet to see if it needed cleaning. I was greeted with POOP SMEARED ON THE FUCKING TOILET SEAT. POOP!! SMEARED!!!!!!

Can't wait until I graduate from college.

KDog said...

BW, are you my twin with testicles??? I have serious issues with pooping in public. I'll talk about it all day long, but I can't stand the thought of sitting next to some stranger in a stall while we both try to push one out. I've actually left the bathroom at work while trying to drop an emergency deuce because the person in the stall next to me was just completely massacring the toilet bowl. I went to Vegas for vacation and it took me TWO DAYS to take care of business, between the strange bathroom and sharing a room with someone who I'm not comfortable crapping around. Anyhow, it's fucked up, and unless you are on the verge of spraying feces out of your asshole, I suggest keeping that shit at home.