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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Swimmin' Pools, Movie Stars

The flight from New York to Los Angeles is a long one even under the best of circumstances. Normally, I am one of the few people who can actually enjoy their time on an airplane. I find the time to be completely devoid of responsibility. It's six hours where you are free to waste your time sleeping and watching bad movies. When you factor in that I was on the flight because someone else was paying for it so I could go on national television and talk about being The Bitchy Waiter, you'd think I was in Heaven at 34,000 feet. Not this flight.

The flight was a full one with not open free seat. Since I didn't buy the ticket myself and had no say in my seat assignment, I ended up smack dab in the middle of the plane. No window or aisle seat for me, thanks. Two rows in front of me was a baby who wanted his presence known. This adorable crotch dumpling (thank you for the word, reader) cried for half of the flight. It was not a little whimper and sniff kind of cry. It sounded like there was a circumcision happening in aisle 33 seat B. I kept wondering when I would see a doctor throw the foreskin into the bag of trash that the flight attendant had as she walked down the aisle. I looked at the plastic bag my American Airlines blanket had been in and wondered if the baby would like to play with it despite the warning on it that said "this bag is not a toy."


To the left of me was a man I envied because he told me was taking an Ambien and a muscle relaxer. He did just that. Then he put in earphones and blew up his little neck pillow and drifted off to slumber land for the entire flight. I considered asking for an Ambien but the only thing I had to barter with was a granola bar and half empty bottle of water. Thankfully, he didn't snore and had he left his bag within easy access, I would have pilfered through it trying to find some peace and quiet in the form of a pill..

To the right of me was a very large man who looked like he had just come from doing extra work on Yentl. Oy. He poured himself into his seat and his odor drifted into my seat along with a portion of his extra body mass. You know what your gym shorts smell like after you do cardio and you maybe had just had a bowel movement where some baby wipes would have been helpful but you didn't have any so you settle for "clean enough" but who cares since you're going to the gym anyway? I wish he smelled that good. Something about layers and layers of black wool being worn on a hot muggy day creates an odor that is very special indeed. Add to that a big gray beard that goes to your chest and holds onto sweat the way I hold onto a margarita glass and you have a really miserable seat mate. And why does he not realize that the arm rest is for both of us to share? Of course he fell asleep almost instantly after having three phone conversations as we taxied down the runway. When he got up once to go the bathroom he returned with whatever stench had been living in the toilet. He fell asleep again but this time he made sure to face me so his foul breath could come in my direction as he snored. I was holding on to a fart for about two hours but eventually let it go in a futile attempt to freshen the air.


When I finally landed in The City of Angels, my driver was waiting to take me to my hotel. I checked in at midnight and ignored the idea of beauty sleep and called a friend to come get me. We ate at some 24 hour diner called Mel's. With my love for Flo, how could I not? We spent the late hours walking down the Hollywood Walk of Fame looking for the stars of Florence Henderson, Polly Holiday and Shirley Hemphill. When I found Ann B. Davis' star, I knew I had made it. I was in Hollywood! Dr. Phil was waiting for me, so I forced myself to get some sleep in preparation for the next day where I would go on national television and proclaim my hatred of children in my station. So what, I only had three hours of sleep? Surely, Dr. Phil's people would have some concealer to cover the bags under my eyes.


Stay tuned to hear more about my Hollywood adventure.

16 comments:

Doug and Mary Ann said...

In a pinch, try an Advil PM with a glass of wine...you'll drift off in no time.

Camille said...

hey Bitchy, next time you need to took rested after less than a full night's sleep, try putting on some Guerlain Issima Midnight Secret before you go to sleep. It's expensive (something like $120 for a bottle) but it doesn't take much so the bottle lasts, and you look great the next day no matter how tired you feel! I have used this before getting poor sleep on overnight flights, and that worked too.

JimL said...

You didn't have a full flight by accident - that's the way it is on most flights now, thanks to there being fewer of them. It always cracks me up when the flight attendant tries to get passengers seated quickly by pointing out that it's a full flight. I'm often tempted to yell, "When isn't a flight full?"

Mary A. said...

See the trick is to BE the smelly guy that everyone else dreads. You need to be John Candy, not Steve Martin.

Patti Bean said...

I love you so much! Can't wait to hear the rest of the story.

Gallo said...

Enjoy L.A. but Dr. Phil...really?

Haruka said...

I've never watched Dr. Phil, but I'll make an exception for you; what's the air date?

Noelle said...

Sure hope the torture Dr. Dipshit put you through on that flight will be worth it. Your a darling attention whore I love it. The good Dr. should appreciate the increase in viewers do to your appearance on his show not sure he has a lot of fans here. :)

Business Casual said...

If you need a drinking buddy, let me know!! Good luck!

Joanne said...

I cannot watch that show without thinking of my ex mother-in-law. *shudder*
She was always sure to plop down right on time for Mr. McGraw's flappity-yap-yap. She would constantly quote him, particularly the phrases, "you need to turn around the finger and point it at you," and "how's that working out for you?" Although…she couldn't practice what she copy preached.
"Dr. Phil" this "Dr. Phil" that…ugh.
However, I'm willing to see you, Bitchy, in all of Your Glory. :)
Congrats on getting to go onto the show.

WJ said...

Crying children on airplanes are the birth control solution that America is searching for.

Maria said...

You MUST let us know the day it will be televised! I will put aside my lifelong Dr. Phil aversion just for you.

SkippyMom said...

I have to agree with everyone else. I will sacrifice my ban of Dr. Phil if you tell us the date. I can't wait to see it.

I was on a full flight one time that had 5 babies under the age of 1 year old - ours being one of them. It was the quietest flight I have ever been on, not a single one of them made a peep - I swear the other passengers applauded when we deplaned. It was weird.

dirtydisher said...

Gawd, you're the only person I know who's watched more bad tv than me.

witchybaiter said...

"I was holding on to a fart for about two hours but eventually let it go in a futile attempt to freshen the air."

Hilarious.

California Girl said...

that's what I get for missing a day of "Bitchy". I did not know this until today's post on Dr. Phil. good for you. you'll want to post the hulu version in your blog so we can see it...but then again, if you're going to remain anonymous which sounds highly UNlikely, maybe not. congrats!