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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Oh, Shit

Fact: someone recently told me that they went into the bathroom of the restaurant they worked at in order to give it the cursory check. When emptying the trash can, inside it was a pair of neatly folded men's underwear that was full of shit. I can only imagine what led to that catastrophic event. I hypothesize:

It was a lovely Saturday morning in early fall when a man decided he wanted French Toast and bacon for breakfast. He took himself to the nearby diner and ordered his meal. As he waited for his food to arrive, his stomach began to rumble and moan a bit. "Hmmm," he thought. "Maybe I shouldn't have had that glass of Metamucil before I left the privacy of my own bathroom. Oh well. I'm sure everything will be fine." His waitress placed his order before him and he started eating, enjoying the fresh blueberries that were piled high on his plate. As he took a bite of his maple bacon that was cooked perfectly, his stomach again twitched. Suddenly, he realized that he needed to go to the bathroom. Immediately. Still chewing the bacon, he ran to the single occupancy facility. He surveyed the cleanliness of the bathroom and noticed there were no toilet liners making it necessary to place layers of toilet paper around the seat. Hurrying to strategically place the paper before he strategically placed his ass, he farted. Sensing urgency, he threw down his pants and sat on the toilet releasing his bowels just in time. Or so he thought. Looking down, he noticed what looked like the contents of a can of Wolf Brand Chili sitting in his underwear. "Oh my God. I just shit in my pants. I just fucking shit in my pants. Are you freakin' kidding me? Did I just shit in my fucking pants." Someone knocked on the door. "Occupied!" he screamed.

The man didn't know what to do. His stomach was feeling fine now, but his underwear were not. He knew he could not put them back on. He slowly lifted his legs from his pants and was now standing naked from the waist down in the bathroom that probably had a line outside of it by now. "I'll just fold them up and wrap them in some paper towels," he thought and then noticed the air hand dryer on the wall. No paper towels. He opened the trash can which was of course empty and he gently placed his feces covered Fruit of the Looms at the bottom of the pail. Another knock on the door. "Occupied!!" With no paper towels in sight, his only option for cleaning up was wet toilet paper. He went through a whole roll of it as he tried to clean his ass from the explosion. When it came time to flush the toilet, it stopped up. Thankfully, there was a plunger on hand so he plunged away the evidence and prepared to leave the bathroom. Minus his underwear of course.

We can only assume that the man rushed back to his table, threw a twenty dollar bill on it and fled the scene because he knew someone was going into the bathroom immediately following him. He ran down the street chafing his taint with his jeans and wondering if his underwear was the only thing that had poo on it. Meanwhile, a lowly waitress goes into the restroom to make sure there is a soap. She smells something in the trash can, open it and screams out, "Who the fuck does this? Asshole." That same waitress later emails The Bitchy Waiter to tell him what she dealt with at her job that day.

And how was your day?



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20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just read this at work and screwed up a phone call by laughing. Thanks a lot!!! :)

aims said...

lmao as if my kids didn't already question my insanity, me sitting here laughing my ass of at your 'possibly guilt' was the nail in my coffin!!!
LOVED IT!!

Anonymous said...

I would totally crap on something if it meant you had to clean it up. BWAHahahahahahaha.

Molly Malone said...

"Chafing his taint with his jeans" might be the best sentence I have read all week!

female, I shit you not! said...

Anonymous has a hair across her/his ass again.
Sounds like it's a snot nosed kid.
Probably a drop out at that.

Somebody didn't know whether to shit or go blind is my guess and chose to shit. :0)

tina said...

Hilarious post--it made my day!! :)

the.goodes said...

Seriously funny! Thanks for the good laugh!

Practical Parsimony said...

Who on earth would examine the waste baskets and its contents so closely to find the underwear,folded, and the contents?

Speaking of shit in the pants, I had a friend with Crohn's disease who often had to wash her jeans or whatever in restrooms. Her retirement was going to be spent on the water, finding guys with houseboats to take her on outings. She wanted jet-skis. Hmmm...and she cannot wait three minutes to get to a commode.

Good luck with that plan for snagging a guy!

Maybe that guy had a disease/disability. What it the excuse of the person examining trash contents so closely...lol?

Hilarious, as usual!

Mary A. said...

Look, I KNOW there are people with medical conditions who must crap in public bathrooms. I think about .05% of the population.

NO ONE ELSE IS SUPPOSED TO CRAP IN PUBLIC.

Sheesh. How many times do I gotta say it?

Mama Sky said...

Its a scary sad thing when your forced to check in the waste basket to see why the bathroom smells lol. I did a one week stint as a manager at a gas station/ truck stop. After three shifts in a row where no one else came in I was forced to check the bathroom (something I had refused to do untill then) I open the door to find crap everywheres. Not only was there crap on every surface but there was blood everywheres as well. Screw that- I put an out of order sign up and refused to clean it.

Jeff said...

I laughed so hard I almost had to throw MY underpants in the trash!

Jen said...

I worked at a coffee shop and I was doing the check the bahtroom before the end of my shift to find in the mens room, the floor and walls in the stall COVERED in shit..... 20 minutes over time cleaning it all up.

JillyAn said...

I am seriously about to be sick from laughing here. I can SO see that scenario unfolding.

Anonymous said...

I work in a department store and every once in a while a customer will urinate or crap in the fitting room....and I'm not talking about children doing this. Once, a woman selected several pieces of designer clothes and urinated on all of them in the fitting room. Unbelievable!

Jes said...

That is hilarious, but it could have been SO much worse! At least this guy had the decency to neatly fold his poo pants and put them in the garbage.

Sometimes, people stick that stuff to the wall. That is a sight to behold.

hed. said...

One busy night at the restaurant I helped manage, one of the hosts did a bathroom check and came to me with wide eyes. "Someone shit all over the walls in the men's restroom". WTF?

So I had a peek and...it was like poo 9/11. To this day my heart goes out to the poor dishwasher/GU that had to mop it all up :(
http://heddownunder.blogspot.com

Rachel said...

I once had a customer tell me I needed to check the bathroom because one of the toilets was clogged. I was thinking it was going to be your average super pooper, but no...it was far worse. Someone had the brilliant idea to flush their GIGANTIC, USED maxi pad down the toilet. Surprise, surprise, it didn't work. And when I say gigantic, I mean the sucker looked like a freaking red and white anaconda coming out of the toilet. I wasn't about to stand near that thing, much less touch it, so I went and told my manager thinking he'd be able to handle it. He was a helpless male, as usual, when it comes to these kinds of things. Needless to say, I faced the angry red giant with some rubber gloves, a pair of kitchen tongs and an old bucket. Yep. I had to pull that sucker out of the water like a dead fish. And it was disgusting.

P.S.-On a less-disgusting note, this blog always makes me laugh! Keep it up!

The Mom Chef said...

Oh my gosh. I was sent here by one of your follows because I just put a post up about my daughter doing something a little similar to this. But she's only 4 so she has a bit more of an excuse. Holy cow, that was funny.

Andrea the Kitchen Witch said...

OMG that was the funniest thing I've read all day. Thanks!!! And seriously, who does that??? LMAO!

SharleneT said...

That's what you call a real surprise! These other surprises in life are just the test-runs for this biggie... too funny... just found your blog and it's great... thanks for making my day... come visit when you can...