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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Move. Move. Moooooove!

I grew up in the country and often saw cows walking down the road with blatant disregard for the cars that were trying to pass them. One morning on my way to school, we had a cow that got in front of the school bus and began walking at a snail's pace. Our bus driver Lorraine was losin' it and even though we were in a three-ton bright yellow school bus, the cow didn't give a shit and meandered down the road never moving out of the way. Lorraine was laying on the horn and screaming out the window and the cow turned around and threw her a look that said "go fuck yourself, I'm busy chewin' cud." Of course the bus driver was the only one who gave a shit that we were going to be late to school. I was in the tenth grade (eight years ago) and knew that if I was late because of the bus it was an automatic excused tardy. Take your time, cow. The other night at work was like that. I swear to god I wanted an electrical cattle prod to jam up the sphincters of the people who would not get the hell out of my way. I felt just like Lorraine the bus driver only I had teeth and didn't wear a wig.

The show I was cocktailing for had about 70 people in the audience and after it was over about 68 of them thought it was a good idea to stand up, get in the aisle and stay there. No amount of "excuse me's" and "pardon me's" did anything. These people were like fucking statues. Where was a giant pigeon when I needed one so it could swoop in and shit all over their heads? Throughout the performance, they were in my way too. I only have a narrow little space to maneuver thorough in the dark while carrying a tray with martinis on it. You would think that people would understand that by pushing their chair away from the table, my narrow space becomes even narrower. I must have tripped over one lady's chair about ten times. And at least one of them was for real. The other nine were me just kicking it so she would think, "Oh, I must be in this fine young man's way" and then scoot her chair in. She never got it. (But then she gave me $40 on a $21 bill so I didn't mind. I send out an internet apology for all the intentional kicks, lady at table 28X.)

The point is, too many people are unaware of their spatial relationship to their waiter and I need them to move, move, move right outta my life. I even made a fucking video about it.





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14 comments:

Roderick said...

I used to congratulate people on their recent weight loss. When they'd ask me what I was talking about, I'd comment that they were sitting a long way away from the table like they were used to having some colossal belly in their way.

Patrick Maguire said...

Agreed. People have no idea about their spatial relationships everywhere they share public space.

One of my other pet peeves is people who say, "Sorry," like it's a big fucking deal when you say, "Excuse me, could I sneak by please?" in a crowded bar. Hate everyone.

Lolamouse said...

Brilliant! I'll have your song in my head the rest of the week!

jes said...

hahah this happens to me all the time. in high school, people liked to bunch up in huge pools-of-idiots right at the bottom of the stairs, clogging the stairwell. nevermind the fact that there were literally HUNDREDS of better places to stand. i can keep it together for about 10-20 minutes, and then i start shoving and yelling "MOVE!". HAHAHAHA! i bet some people don't expect or appreciate it, but it turns a horrible time into a hilarious time (for me)- and i'm not all that concerned with how *they* feel about it, because they're the assholes who are standing in the way, to begin with.

Just Plain Tired said...

We have the same type of people doing the same crap where I work. (Slightly different setting.) I don't know why but they seem to think standing in front of our store doorway, blocking access is the thing to do. Fortunately I don't have to be overly polite when I tell them to get out of the way.

Jennifer Black said...

I work in an office, so people don't usually get in my way there. But grocery shopping on Sundays... ten minutes I feel like I need to take hostages. What IS it with old people blocking an entire grocery store aisle with their cart full of metamucil and prune juice? Or harried moms who insist on bringing all 2.5 of their toddlers with them, cramming them into those extra-long carts that have a compartment that looks like a tonka trunk, and just letting them scream their fool heads off because she won't buy them Lucky Charms. And then they use those extra-long carts to completely block the whole aisle while they stand there staring at the juice boxes and trying top figure out the sugar content of fruit punch. Lady, for the love of all things Holy, leave your dumb kids at home with their dad, grandma, weird uncle Frank, the crack dealer from the corner, etc... just so *I* don't have to hear them!

Kim said...

I think this is generally true of everyone, no matter what the venue. I see it on the highway, in the grocery store, in the mall. Basically, anywhere lots of people are gathered. In general, people have very little sense of themselves in relation to others around them. Sad, but true. It makes it hard for those of us who are cognitive of it.

Guy said...

When I was waiting, I noticed the fattest people always seemed to choose the seat that was between two tables or someplace that was already a smaller-than-normal space. Since I quit smoking, I've been getting fat. I really hope I don't start picking the wrong chair now.

Anonymous said...

Your video was hysterical! It's exactly how I feel when I'm trying to get past the service bar. I'd like to scream at them... MOVE IT, BRAVO!

MK said...

The video is hilarious! I guess the best thing to do is get a horn and toot it every time someone gets in your way.

Elise-Lucie said...

"...the cow turned around and threw her a look that said "go fuck yourself, I'm busy chewin' cud."

Oh man I LOVE that line! I'm stealing it from you!

Anonymous said...

Ding ding, Dreamgirls and Rent references.

And, agreed. I hate it when people pull stunts like sitting on the bus and putting their bags out in the aisle. Er...hello? People need to walk there.

Krissy said...

Great. Another Dream Girls reference. Thaaaaanks, again. Now I definitely have to watch the movie now. Those songs are so damn catchy

Krissy said...

Hmm...here's a thought. Could that dude in the video clip be our very own Bitchy Waiter?