Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am an 18 year old girl who is just starting college and am thinking about getting a part time job as a waitress. All my friends tell me that this is a bad idea because restaurant employees, especially servers are a bunch of cigarette smoking, booze swilling, drug addicts. Is this true? The waitress in my home town in Idaho, is a very sweet lady. My friends also say that if I start working at a restaurant, I'll turn into a crack addicted tramp. Is that true as well?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I feel it is my duty to let you know that your friends are 99% correct about restaurant employees. Most of them are exactly as they have described with the exception of myself and the sweet waitress you know from Idaho. We are both wonderful and caring people who avoid cigarettes, drugs and booze at all costs much unlike everyone else in the restaurant industry. (Occasionally, I may fall off the wagon and have a cocktail or two.) Your hometown waitress was a total meth head for many years, but she kicked the habit and now her only addiction is Diet Coke. She is constantly at the soda gun feeding her cravings by drinking straight from the tap. It's not pretty, but it's better than meth. Sort of. Anyhoo, if you decide to get a job as a waitress, be ready to eat a big slice of I-Told-You-So pie from your friends because you will most definitely become a crack addicted tramp.

So what should you do to earn money that will not lead you down the path of evil? Well, it has to be something with flexible hours so that you can continue your education. And it has to be something where you can make good money in a relatively short period of time so you have time for your homework. And it has to be something that will not make you smell like fajitas. I would suggest prostitute. As a young woman, men will be willing to pay a pretty penny for your time and you can be certain that your "johns" will treat you with way more respect than they would if you were a lowly waitress. And as a bonus, you can make your own hours, be your own boss and not pay taxes. It's a win win! Confused, I know you can do this if you set your mind to it. Good luck! (By the way, I hear that Craigslist has removed their "adult services" sections so I would suggest "casual encounters.")

Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter

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