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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am an 18 year old girl who is just starting college and am thinking about getting a part time job as a waitress. All my friends tell me that this is a bad idea because restaurant employees, especially servers are a bunch of cigarette smoking, booze swilling, drug addicts. Is this true? The waitress in my home town in Idaho, is a very sweet lady. My friends also say that if I start working at a restaurant, I'll turn into a crack addicted tramp. Is that true as well?

Confused


Dear Confused,

I feel it is my duty to let you know that your friends are 99% correct about restaurant employees. Most of them are exactly as they have described with the exception of myself and the sweet waitress you know from Idaho. We are both wonderful and caring people who avoid cigarettes, drugs and booze at all costs much unlike everyone else in the restaurant industry. (Occasionally, I may fall off the wagon and have a cocktail or two.) Your hometown waitress was a total meth head for many years, but she kicked the habit and now her only addiction is Diet Coke. She is constantly at the soda gun feeding her cravings by drinking straight from the tap. It's not pretty, but it's better than meth. Sort of. Anyhoo, if you decide to get a job as a waitress, be ready to eat a big slice of I-Told-You-So pie from your friends because you will most definitely become a crack addicted tramp.

So what should you do to earn money that will not lead you down the path of evil? Well, it has to be something with flexible hours so that you can continue your education. And it has to be something where you can make good money in a relatively short period of time so you have time for your homework. And it has to be something that will not make you smell like fajitas. I would suggest prostitute. As a young woman, men will be willing to pay a pretty penny for your time and you can be certain that your "johns" will treat you with way more respect than they would if you were a lowly waitress. And as a bonus, you can make your own hours, be your own boss and not pay taxes. It's a win win! Confused, I know you can do this if you set your mind to it. Good luck! (By the way, I hear that Craigslist has removed their "adult services" sections so I would suggest "casual encounters.")

Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter

Do you have an issue that The Bitchy Waiter can help you with? Job, personal, relationships? You name it. You can email me here and I will answer one question a week.

13 comments:

Gabriele Agustini said...

OMG! You're killing me! :-D
I'm half-way tempted to make up a crazy question to ask you -
just to see your hysterical answer!!!!
Thanks for the laughs!
gabriele

Mary A. said...

I don't understand why people talk about being a crack whore as if it were a bad thing. . . .

The prostitute idea is excellent. It will give her lots of practice for life backin Idaho as a Sister-Wife.

I love your blog. It lets me show off my mean side. I'm too scared to be mean in my own blog. (www.giftoffat.com, in case anyone wants to see how not mean I really am.)

Molly Malone said...

Brilliant! Topless dancer is also a good option, but prostitute is less effort and requires fewer costume changes...

badbadwebbis said...

Prostitute also allows her to work out of the home, and also allows her to hone her acting skills.

She won't have to be on her feet for hours at a stretch, either.

You are a genius, Bitchy.

dirtydisher said...

And no one will call her honey?

Levonne said...

I love the Dear Bitchy Waiter concept! Perfect as always. That brain of yours is always ticking!

tina said...

Great post!! :) I'm still laughing!

The Chick in the Chair Perspective said...

The local strip club girls are all college students and make way better tips than a waitress... If you can live with shaken your booty for some cash and dont mind the drunks, there is money to be made. However, she will spend much of her cash on cigs, booze and therapy!

laura jane said...

hahaha
Yea, she can be a responsible student/waitress.
But a couple times, just a couple out of the week she can...

Drink like a Harlet!! cause they know how to party..Lol

Nika-Nikol' said...

I know you're sarcastic (hope so anyway) but that isn't very good advice at all... That girl was probably hoping for serious advice really.

Confused said...

Thank you Bitchy Waiter! I've read some of the comments as well and am heavily leaning towards being a prostitute. I could probably work right out of the dorms. It'll be a great cover, the RA's will just think that I'm a big whore, what with the different guys coming over daily.

Confused

Nika-Nikol' said...

Miss Confused! Are you for real? I don't know your life but faack me. Prostitution is not in the same league as waitressing.
What kind of neighbourhood are you from??

Jeff said...

So we are crack addicted servers, but DAMN, we have fun.