Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I am sixteen weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier. Well, except for one thing...I never realized how rude people really are. I was raised to believe if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say it. Since I pretty much stick to those words I have been able to avoid people's harshness. Yet now that I am showing and more people know, everyone seems to be a freakin' obstetrician. For instance I am not getting enough of that, or eating the proper amount of this and how so many babies are born with birth defects because of eating non-organic food. Yeah, I would love to eat all organic foods if I could afford it. Plus, last week my husband actually had to throw a glass of wine in this guys face for harping about how horrible the name we picked out for our baby to be is. It's a family name for crying out loud. Now I know since you're male you might be thinking how the hell should I know lady but, I love the way you deal with humans. If you can give me any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it.
One Annoyed Prego
Dear Annoyed Prego,
First off, congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy. I absolutely love children and invite you to bring your weeks old baby to my station anytime where I will coo over it and shower it with affection. Being male, I have not had the pleasure of being pregnant and while I do not have children of my own, I can still appreciate what you are going through. You are right. People have no problem sticking their big ass noses all up in somebody else's beeswax. I bet they feel it is perfectly acceptable to rub your stomach too, right? I just don't understand how some people can be so unaware of their rudeness, carelessness and thoughtless behavior (and before Anonymous jumps in and calls me out, I am aware of my rudeness, carelessness and thoughtless behavior.) I applaud your husband for throwing a glass of wine in the man's face who disliked the name you chose for your offspring. The man deserved it, unless the name you chose was some dumb ass moniker like Paris, Hamburger, Apple, Moon Unit, Brooklyn, Vagisilia, Gyne Lotrimin or Kathie Lee Gifford. In the future when someone says something to you that you feel is inappropriate, I would suggest you do the following. Simply respond (in your best hillbilly accent) with, "I's just a hopin' that it comes out with ten fingers and ten toes! Ya see, I done got pregnant with my brother. But I shure does love my brother so it's all good." That ought to shut 'em up. And when someone wants to rub your belly, might I suggest you electrocute them with a cable that you have wrapped around your waist? You can surely do this by installing some kind of electric fence apparatus that you can pick up at your local home improvement store. The folks at home Depot are very helpful and they will be more than willing to assist you so that you can figure out a way to shock other people while not shocking yourself. Or your unborn child.
Good luck, Annoyed Prego! And thanks for your question.
the Bitchy Waiter
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