Have a Coke and a Smile

Coke is the real thing, right? People love their Coca-Cola but every restaurant has to make a choice if they will be serving Coke products or Pepsi products. Most people prefer one over the other but they will settle for either. Or I will just decide for them. It's not the end of the world when you want a Pepsi and all I can give you is a Coke, is it? Did I just tell you that a comet is heading towards our planet and we will all be gone in 36 hours? No, I didn't. Did I just serve the last known hamburger in the Western World and now if you want one, you'll have to travel to the Far East to get one? No, I didn't. Did I just walk by your table and let out a silent but deadly fart because you are so on my last nerve? Yes, I did.

One time I had a lady call me over to her table to give me so dreadful news. "Excuse me, but I ordered a Coke and this is Pepsi. Can I please get the Coke that I ordered?" She said "please" like I was an imbecile and she had to make it real clear that even though she was bitchy, she was being polite.

"Ma'am," I said. (I always like to say "ma'am" to women who are bitchy and clearly younger than I am just so they feel old.) "We only have Coca-Cola products here, so I can assure you that you are in fact drinking a Coke." She inhaled but in that way that sounds like it's a sigh and rolled her eyes at me. "I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. If this is a Pepsi, I would rather you just be honest with me than tell me it's a Coke when I know it's not."

"It's Coke." She shrugged her shoulders and turned to her friend and gave her a look that said something like "this poor dumb waiter thinks he can fool me." I picked up the glass and left. As it happens, our soda gun was not working that day so all of our sodas were being poured out of cans that we had stacked behind the bar. I went to the bar and filled a new glass with ice. I grabbed an unopened can of Coke and headed back to the table ready to make the bitch eat her words, eat some crow and then take another whiff of the second fart I would be leaving for her. I set the glass down in front of her. I pulled the can of Coke from my apron, tapped the top of it three times, popped it open and poured it into her glass. "It's. Coke." Standing there with my arms crossed and waiting for the apology that I knew would never come, she mumbled something. I inhaled but in that way that made it sound like I was sighing. "I'm sorry, what?" She responded with, "Oh. It's in a can. That's why it tastes different." I farted a third time and left her table.

Why do people have to get so fucking bent out of goddamn shape over something so inconsequential? She really irked me. But I felt like I had won because she never said anything else to me for the rest of her meal. I love it when I can prove without a doubt that the customer is not always right. I farted a fourth time for good measure.

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