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Friday, September 17, 2010

Have a Coke and a Smile

Coke is the real thing, right? People love their Coca-Cola but every restaurant has to make a choice if they will be serving Coke products or Pepsi products. Most people prefer one over the other but they will settle for either. Or I will just decide for them. It's not the end of the world when you want a Pepsi and all I can give you is a Coke, is it? Did I just tell you that a comet is heading towards our planet and we will all be gone in 36 hours? No, I didn't. Did I just serve the last known hamburger in the Western World and now if you want one, you'll have to travel to the Far East to get one? No, I didn't. Did I just walk by your table and let out a silent but deadly fart because you are so on my last nerve? Yes, I did.

One time I had a lady call me over to her table to give me so dreadful news. "Excuse me, but I ordered a Coke and this is Pepsi. Can I please get the Coke that I ordered?" She said "please" like I was an imbecile and she had to make it real clear that even though she was bitchy, she was being polite.

"Ma'am," I said. (I always like to say "ma'am" to women who are bitchy and clearly younger than I am just so they feel old.) "We only have Coca-Cola products here, so I can assure you that you are in fact drinking a Coke." She inhaled but in that way that sounds like it's a sigh and rolled her eyes at me. "I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. If this is a Pepsi, I would rather you just be honest with me than tell me it's a Coke when I know it's not."

"It's Coke." She shrugged her shoulders and turned to her friend and gave her a look that said something like "this poor dumb waiter thinks he can fool me." I picked up the glass and left. As it happens, our soda gun was not working that day so all of our sodas were being poured out of cans that we had stacked behind the bar. I went to the bar and filled a new glass with ice. I grabbed an unopened can of Coke and headed back to the table ready to make the bitch eat her words, eat some crow and then take another whiff of the second fart I would be leaving for her. I set the glass down in front of her. I pulled the can of Coke from my apron, tapped the top of it three times, popped it open and poured it into her glass. "It's. Coke." Standing there with my arms crossed and waiting for the apology that I knew would never come, she mumbled something. I inhaled but in that way that made it sound like I was sighing. "I'm sorry, what?" She responded with, "Oh. It's in a can. That's why it tastes different." I farted a third time and left her table.

Why do people have to get so fucking bent out of goddamn shape over something so inconsequential? She really irked me. But I felt like I had won because she never said anything else to me for the rest of her meal. I love it when I can prove without a doubt that the customer is not always right. I farted a fourth time for good measure.

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20 comments:

Wendy said...

Or maybe it was the gaseous air wafting around her that made the mouth-breather *think* it tasted like Pepsi...
I loves me some Bitchy Waiter!
=-)

Xylina Myia said...

Wow this is too funny and if I ever smell something nasty I know I am pissing my waiter or waitress off.

dirtydisher said...

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO!

fuckmytable said...

I cropdust my bitchy tables, too. *high five*

badbadwebbis said...

Apparently, being able to fart on demand is a valuable skill set for a server.

Mary A. said...

How do you know it will be silent? And how do you do it on command? Because that may be a skill worth learning.

If I were to try & SBD someone, it would totally echo off the walls. Then who loses? Me.

Know what's worse than being the only fat girl in the room? Being the only fat girl who farted.

So if you ever decide to give lessons, lemme know.

Mthoko said...

Well at least this puts my mind at ease. I thought I was the only one who thought bottled, canned and gunned coke taste different! Thanks bitchy customer!

The Ranter's Box said...

Farting on command, now there is a special and apparently useful talent. Sounds like that bitch deserved every single one that wafted her way!

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

Clear thinking said...

I drink pop not coffee and I can tell the differance between coke and pepsi! PEPSI ROCKS!

The Mom Chef said...

Wow....I have to admit that I always ask which is served at the restaurant before I order anything. If it's Pepsi, I just order water. Hopefully that's not offensive enough to make someone pass gas in my direction.

Rebecca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ann Wilkinson said...

what exactly do you eat for lunch that enables you to fart so freely?

Jeff said...

Farting on demand is a required skill when waiting on Coke drinkers!

*B* said...

As I am a day away from my last day of work at a place where I should have been a waitress instead... this had me laughing my freakin' ass off. I'm so serious, I have to be a down a pants size by now. Oh you bitchy bitch of waiter, I love you. haha =)

Jennifer said...

I love it!! So many customers are rude and that is awesome :)

Jessica said...

I had a moment like this the other day, a customer came up to buy an item with out a price, the other associate got a price, which the customer thought was way to high, so I called another store, turned out it was 50 dollars more... Love it.

Gina said...

Brilliant! LOOOOOOOL.

Alexa O said...

Dear Customer,

It's not fine wine. Drink your f'ing sugar water and shut up.

LYLAS!

Bagel Fairy said...

I once asked a guy if Pepsi was okay and he went on a tirade about how the company gave money to GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and how wrong that was, etc. Too bad he drank the Pepsi anyway - now I kinda wish I had taken it to the back and let the gay dish guy jack off into it.

Anonymous said...

many people have terrible little lives where they're pushed around relentlessly. then, then come to a restaurant and start pushing around staff. they're pathetic