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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A Comment on Comments

You know I love an opportunity to reach out to the readers and respond to comments. It fills my heart with pride to know that people take time out of their busy day of surfing Facebook and playing Words With Friends just to type out a comment to little ol' me. Last week someone let a comment slip out of their ass like a greasy Crisco fart. It plopped onto my computer screen and slid down leaving a trail of oil and bitterness. When I posted the photo below onto the Bitchy Waiter Facebook page, someone named Jarret had a thought.
"Weren't you a kid once? Did you not need help wiping your ass when you were young? How quickly one forgets that youth is a right of passage that everyone has to go through. It could be argued that, it's not the kids that are behaving badly, but it is you who is so jaded and misguided regarding children. Unless you were hatched from an egg or were born an adult, everything you are complaining about was once done by you. Try treating children and their parents with decency and respect and you might find that kids aren't really that bad. Do unto others as you would have done unto you..."
The truth is Jarret, it's a fucking joke. That picture of the little girl in the waitress outfit is not actually in a diner. It's a fucking Halloween costume. I didn't kidnap a child and force her to a photo studio so I could take a picture of her and degrade her with a demeaning caption. I want to dissect your comment and make sure I understand it:
  • Weren't you a kid once? Did you not need help wiping your ass when you were young? Yes, I was a kid once but I can assure you I never once bothered people in a restaurant. The reason being that I was never taken to a restaurant as a child. You see, I grew up in an isolated cabin in the woods and my mother had a stroke so we didn't go anywhere. I created my own language based on my mom's fractured ability to speak and all was fine and good until I was discovered by Dr. Jerry Lovell who looked a lot like Liam Neeson. And what the hell does this photo have to do with ass wiping?
  • How quickly one forgets that youth is a right of passage that everyone has to go through. You say that as if youth has already passed me by. You're wrong, Jarret. Wrong. Youth is subjective. Fifteen years ago, I thought 45 was old. Now, I think it's pretty young. The right of passage never ends.
  •  It could be argued that, it's not the kids that are behaving badly, but it is you who is so jaded and misguided regarding children. Me jaded? Seeing that the name of this blog describes me as bitchy, you obviously have a keen sense of stating the obvious. Touché.
  • Unless you were hatched from an egg or were born an adult, everything you are complaining about was once done by you. I was not hatched from an egg and that is very rude of you to even imply that my mother was a bird, reptile or duck-billed platypus. Neither was I born an adult, just a very mature child. And what exactly am I complaining about in the photo? All I want is for the little girl to go get me a vodka gimlet. Is that too much to ask?
  • Try treating children and their parents with decency and respect and you might find that kids aren't really that bad. I always treat children and their parents with respect. Just this morning in the elevator of our building, I saw the little girl who lives across the hall for me. She used to have very beautiful long hair but today I noticed it had all been hacked off into a very handsome look. I complimented the little girl and told her that she looks way prettier now and that she should go sign up for the girl's softball league and golf team. I also told her parents that their daughter is going to make some lesbian very happy someday. 
  • Do unto others as you would have done unto you...  Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. 
Thank you for your comment, Jarret. I do appreciate it. And thank you for coming to a page that is all about bitching and then getting upset that people bitch. There may be a better Facebook page out there for you to enjoy. Might I suggest one about puppies or rainbows? Those are always so great. Except sometimes puppies need help wiping their asses and every once in a while a rainbow comes from an egg. 



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25 comments:

Nathan Partyka said...

Your dissection of people's comments is like watching art being created.

PtMartini said...

I adore you. We may have been separated at birth.

MarketsNYC said...

Did you hear about the Internet Cat Video Film Festival? Maybe Jared would like that.

Maybe we should ALL go. Kittens fart rainbows.

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/04/02/internet-cat-video-festival-coming-to-brooklyn-in-the-fall/

Calindy Mann said...

In no universe or parallel dimension does a child screaming at the top of their lungs and tossing mac and cheese at passing patrons, while dumping chocolate milk on the floor, equal jadedness towards children on my part. Sometimes kids are just rotten brats or are too sick/tired to be out in public and their parents should just do the right thing and take them home.

Linda said...

My mother reared five children and none of us were allowed to be brats in public! I fault parents who do not expect more from their children and TEACH them. If a parent is trying to quiet a child, I am tolerant. If the parent thinks their out-of-control child is just adorable, I hate the parent and child. The point? Children do not have to be brats in public.

shakaku305 said...

Love the Nell reference!

Anonymous said...

Amen. I always blame the parents, no one knows how to control their spawn anymore it seems. Just last night I had a couple bring their 5 year old son in to eat at 10:30 at night. He was already very fidgety. They ordered a coke for him. By the end of the meal he was roaring like a dinosaur and jumping up and down and twirling around the aisle next to their booth. The mother kept shouting at him to calm down and it was all I could do to not ask "What did you expect feeding him caffeine and sugar so late?!"

Anonymous said...

This one made my day! Thanks Bitchy!

anne marie in philly said...

parents don't "parent" any more; they want to be "friends" with their bratley. yeah, THAT works out GREAT. bratley says JUMP and mommy and daddy say HOW HIGH. this is why WE HATE CHILDREN!

my sister and I were expected to be on our best behavior in a public place. if not, we knew the consequences.

Kimberly Allen said...

Amen!!!!

mistress maddie said...

"All I want is for the little girl to go get me a vodka gimlet" in my case a gin gimlet! I like the way you think and a great retort! I do believe kids should be seen, not heard! And what is wrong if I did come out of a egg? I think I love you and this blog!

Confessions from the Hairdresser said...

What the hell kind of fucked up name is "Jarrett"?? Is is 'Jared' or is it 'Garrett'? Is is the handywork of some poor white trash couple who had no faith in their child's ability to be unique on their own merit?

Oh, and I fucking hate people talking about "weren't you once a kid??" because it's not the issue. What's with assholes who don't know what they're talking about always bringing shit back to some non-relevant arena in which they feel more comfortable so that they can preach?
The issue is that kids suck when they're allowed to act like savages. It doesn't matter whether they "know better" or not, they should be held to some sort of standard, because behaving badly in public is not something that they'll grow out of.

Anonymous said...

As I recall, we all came from an egg. Egg and sperm.
Poor Jarrett's has been the child left behind by our education system.
~PolishSpring

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Anonymous said...

If only the whole world could be like you!
Then I might have better luck finding a freaking job! This is off topic but need to vent. Just fired for saying fuck you and snot nose bitch to a deserving coworker who told me to go home; not management mind you; as she herself was found FUCKING THE COOK IN HER CAR IN THE RESTAURANT PARKINGLOT 2 nights prior! She is still employed; Evidentially it is ok to fuck coworkers on the clock and company premises; however, if you SAY fuck....you get fucked!!!!

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