Whole Grain Goodness

O' those tasty toasted crunchy whole grain oats that we know and love as Cherrios. Not only are they delicious, tasty and heart healthy, they are a big fat pain in my little skinny ass. Parents feed these things to kids like they are vitamins. I see parents with zip lock baggies stuffed full of the wholesome whole grain goodness that they let their kids eat and play with. What they don't ever do though is pick these little shits up off the goddamn floor when they leave. Something about all that soluble fiber makes for a big mess when I step on them because the kids think it is more fun to throw them to the floor than stuff them in their mouths. Yes, I realize that one serving is 50% of your daily recommended allowance of folic acid, 25% of your magnesium and that it only has 1 gram of sugar and no artificial flavors or colors. But Jesus, I have to sweep that crap up off the floor. Hundreds of Cheerios a week go into the dust bin because these fucking parents think it's cute to give a handful of the cereal to their kids to occupy themselves with.

How can this problem be solved? First off, parents should not bring kids into my station. Period. If they do, I would like for them to strap a feedbag onto the child's face so that all food that does not make it into the mouth would remain in said feedbag. Ideally the children should only be fed things that do not crumble or fall apart. Something like ice would be perfect. If they need more nutrition than they would receive from ice, then I would suggest freezing chicken stock into ice cubes and feeding them that. If that is not satisfactory to the parent or child, they could be fed a grape. One solitary grape that the parent is responsible for placing directly into the mouth. Anything is better than the crumbly bitches I know as Cheerios. Perhaps the most obvious solution to this Cheerio dilemma that I face would be birth control. Put a lid on it.


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