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Saturday, August 15, 2009

Stroller Bitches From Hell


Yes, another posting about the Upper East Side women and their massive strollers and even more massive whore-like attitudes. And this time, I have photographic evidence of these mythical creatures who seek me out to torture me with too many questions and far too many special dietary needs. I have taken the time to block the faces of these Cunty McCunt Cunts in order to protect their identity.

They rolled in the other day and sat at the patio right under the sign that says PLEASE SEE HOSTESS INSIDE RESTAURANT BEFORE SEATING. They of course did not do that, because their heads were too far up their own asses to be able to see the sign. Although I saw them sit down, I waited until one came inside to ask for a menu before I acknowledged their presence. One lady had a double stroller while the other lady had a single stroller. They both, however, had bitch face. As you can see from the photo, the strollers took up a ridiculous amount of space. The lady with the double had so much crap inside the stroller I cannot even be certain that there were actual babies inside it. All I could see were about fifty blankets, a dozen pillows, a ton of stuffed animals and occasionally I would hear a muffled cry. I can't be sure what the cry was about but I was pretty sure it was saying that she hated her mother and couldn't wait to learn to talk so she could tell her so. They barricaded themselves behind the table making it impossible for me to get within two feet of the table. So every time I needed to serve them, I just handed shit to them They looked irritated about that and it made me happy. I just handed them the waters (which I never refilled) and then handed them their salads (which had plenty of substitutions and things on the side). I never cleared the table because I honestly couldn't get to it. Do you see the size of those fucking strollers? Is that really necessary? These children don't live in the strollers do they? Please tell me that I am not looking at their bedrooms that they just added wheels to.

They never said thank you or looked at me. I went out to them two times to see if they were ready to pay but the check just sat in the lap of Bitch Face #1. Later I looked out to the patio and she was holding the check up in the air with her back to me and having no idea if I was anywhere near her. She just held the presenter up in the air as if to say, "I am ready for you to take care of my needs now. I am Queen of all Stroller Moms and also my vagina smells bad." When they finally left, their table was a wreck. They left four jars of baby food and a pile of baby wipes that were covered in something that better have been mashed peas and not something else that baby wipes commonly wipe. As they rolled away, I cursed them under my breath and felt sorry for the babies who will no doubt grow up to be just as annoying as their mothers. Someone should rescue those babies. And teach them how to walk because those strollers are fucking ridiculous.


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6 comments:

G.H. said...

Lame!!
Did they tip you?

darron said...

The did tip me, yes.

Andee Layne said...

Your stroller entry is hilarious!!!!Loved your blog! Please check out my fashion and lifestyle blog www.andeelayne.blogspot.com and i will follow yours! xo

LW said...

I love how people frequently position themselves at tables so you need to pass hot plate and heavy dirty dishes over the heads of their small children. And how they assume you will perform magic tricks to prebus their tables.

Anonymous said...

Oh, when they first walked in, they saw the sign, but signs and rules are for other people, not special moms. Those SUV strollers are freaking ridiculous. No wonder kids are obese today--they have no reason to move when they are being wheeled around.

Kristine said...

"Cunty McCunt Cunts..."

ROFLMAO! Hahahahaha! I paid my way through college being a waitress! Hoo boy, can I relate. Some C-M-Cs came into my bar one night and lost money in our free (this was in the 1980s) jukebox. I had to retrieve Moms from Edina's change. (Edina, MN = Every Day I Need Attention.) They drank up half the bar, then one of Her Bitchinesses announced, "Here's my two cents!" and put two pennies on the table. I thought they were joking and discreetly left so that they could tip me.

Well, when I returned, they were gone and there were still only two pennies on the table! I should have just kept the change that they lost in the free jukebox!

How does an SMooV Mom (mom with big stroller, many of whom are Edina moms) screw in a light bulb? She just holds the bulb in its socket, and the world revolves around her!