It's 2012. Bitch Proud.

Wipe the sleep out of your eyes and push those champagne bottles out of your bed, because it's 2012! Somewhere between my fourth champagne with Chambord and my first St. Germain vodka gimlet, 2011 let out its last heavy sigh and slipped into the history books. Looking back on 2011, I must admit it was a pretty good year for Bitchy Waiter. I got to be on CBS Sunday Morning as well as Dr. Phil and I managed to squeeze out 299 posts on the blog. Not too shabby. Even more impressive, I did not get fired all year long. It did, however, come very close a few weeks ago when my manager told me I was being very disrespectful for sweeping while we still had customers in the restaurant. Personally I thought I was being proactive by cleaning up the mess of bread crumbs left behind by a shaky senior citizen, but whatever. My manager went on to tell me that I was nowhere on the floor that night and made it impossible for guests to ask me for anything. The truth is, we only had 15 covers in over five hours so there weren't any fucking customers to ask me for anything. He sent me home early that night but we have since made up and are back to the cold distant unfeeling relationship we always had.

As we look at the new year ahead, we are all filled with hope because it's a clean slate; a chance to start fresh, to control alt delete, if you will. And we can't have a New Year's Day without at least throwing some resolutions up against the wall and seeing what sticks. I will try to keep a few things in mind as I drink my way through the next 365 days.

• I will try to give my eye muscles a break by not rolling them so often when people ask me for stupid fucking shit like a martini with extra liquor.
• If a baby is in my station I will not immediately assume it's an asshole. I will wait three minutes before I determine its asshole-ness.
• Sometime in 2012, I will finagle a way to be on national television again on something like The Chew or Unique Eats. It will happen though, even if it means I have to go stand behind a news reporter with a cardboard signs that says www.TheBitchyWaiter.com on it.
• I am going to try to become Superstar Employee of the Month even though everyone else at my job deserves it way before I do.
• The next time a lady tells me she wants her burger cooked medium and then sends it back because it has a little pink in it, I will not mentally shove the burger down her throat. Instead, I will smile and tell her I will have it cooked medium-well and when she's not looking I will take a picture of her with my cell phone and submit the photo to my Facebook page with the caption of "Stupid Fucking Bitch."
• I will appreciate every shift meal I get because I know there are children in Africa who would love to eat a bowlful of leftover pasta with corn and skate that sat under the warmer so long that it grew its own skin.
• I will do The Bitchy Waiter Show in New York City and invite everyone to come see me bitch live and in person.
• This year, I will try to wash my apron.
• I will sell some more of my Bitch Proud bracelets.
  
• Maybe in 2012 I won't manage to get a server fired just because the server was a rude asshole.
• I am going to attempt to memorize what kind of scotch we serve so that I don't always have to go ask the bartender. Seriously, I have a mental block with that liquor.
  
• I am going to finally figure out a cocktail to make using that Bubblegum Vodka I got 366 days ago.
• If the world ends (again) this year, I will try to be first in line for the party express bus to hell where I know most of you will be joining me.
• I will marry my boyfriend.
  
• Most importantly, I resolve to keep writing as often as I can. This blog makes me happy and even if it never goes further than this, it is a great thing for me. I thank you for reading it and I love when you email or comment or suggest it to your friends. Thank you.
  

So what about you? Do you have a resolution for 2012? Let me know. Leave a comment, even if it's just to say "Happy New Year, you tired ass bitch."

Happy New Year and here's to a great 2012!

Bitchy Waiter New Year's Resolutions

Father Time dragged his sorry ass outta here four days ago already and I have yet to come up with my resolutions for 2011. Meanwhile, Baby New Year needs to stop crying for Cheerios and shut the hell up. So far I can actually say that I have spent fifty percent of 2011 being hungover. Nice. Real nice. Before I make up some shit to resolve for the new year, maybe I should look at last year's resolutions and see if I stuck to any of them.

pause, as I look them over...

Okay, so a few of them stuck. I did not spit in the food of anyone and to be honest I have only done that once and it was well deserved and about a hundred years ago. Remind me to tell you that story, okay? I also did not use the "C word" all year even though it was very difficult. Marlene will be proud. I will resolve a few things for 2011 and see how it goes. I have a history of breaking resolutions going all the way back to 1983 when I promised myself to not masturbate anymore and then on January 2nd, my diary said "already broke that one resolution." Anyhoo...

1. If I get hired at a new job and decide to blog about them, I will be more careful about what is written. I do not need any more Penelope "C word" bitches up in my life.
2. In 2011 I hope to have more initiative to, you know, work. I will not try to give my shifts away to other people and try not to say "no" when people ask me to work for them. (This may be broken by Thursday.)
3. I resolve to have more patience when people can't decide what they want to order. Like if they need to take twenty fucking minutes to figure out if they want a Coke or Sprite, I will not let steam come out of my ears in utter frustration. I will simply say, "take your time" and let them agonize over that stupid fucking decision all they want.
4. I will try not to be such a fucking social media whore who is always plastering this website on any blog, forum or comment section that I can log on to. I will let go, let God.
5. I will learn French.
6. This year, when anonymous people leave hateful anonymous comments, I will understand that they are just a small-minded and possibly small-penised losers who have no other way to express themselves. I will not get upset and go all ape shit on them and write a whole post about them and what a miserable human being they appear to be. (This may be be broken by Thursday.)
7. I will iron my uniform before every shift unless it still looks pretty good from the last time it was ironed and/or I am in too big a hurry to care that my shirt is wrinkled a bit because who is going to notice once I light the candles and turn the lights down extra low?
8. From now on, if I see slime in the ice machine, I will not use that ice for beverages. (Note: I mean this only if said beverages are for me. If they are for someone else, I may or may not use the slimy ice. Mood dependent.)
9. I will try to use speelcheck more often.
10. Again, I promise to appreciate everyone who takes three or four minutes out of their day to read the words that I vomit out on this blog. The emails and comments I get from readers make me want to continue writing. I sincerely mean that. Happy New Year. And thank you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

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