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Sunday, January 1, 2012

It's 2012. Bitch Proud.

Wipe the sleep out of your eyes and push those champagne bottles out of your bed, because it's 2012! Somewhere between my fourth champagne with Chambord and my first St. Germain vodka gimlet, 2011 let out its last heavy sigh and slipped into the history books. Looking back on 2011, I must admit it was a pretty good year for Bitchy Waiter. I got to be on CBS Sunday Morning as well as Dr. Phil and I managed to squeeze out 299 posts on the blog. Not too shabby. Even more impressive, I did not get fired all year long. It did, however, come very close a few weeks ago when my manager told me I was being very disrespectful for sweeping while we still had customers in the restaurant. Personally I thought I was being proactive by cleaning up the mess of bread crumbs left behind by a shaky senior citizen, but whatever. My manager went on to tell me that I was nowhere on the floor that night and made it impossible for guests to ask me for anything. The truth is, we only had 15 covers in over five hours so there weren't any fucking customers to ask me for anything. He sent me home early that night but we have since made up and are back to the cold distant unfeeling relationship we always had.

As we look at the new year ahead, we are all filled with hope because it's a clean slate; a chance to start fresh, to control alt delete, if you will. And we can't have a New Year's Day without at least throwing some resolutions up against the wall and seeing what sticks. I will try to keep a few things in mind as I drink my way through the next 365 days.

  • I will try to give my eye muscles a break by not rolling them so often when people ask me for stupid fucking shit like a martini with extra liquor.
  • If a baby is in my station I will not immediately assume it's an asshole. I will wait three minutes before I determine its asshole-ness.
  • Sometime in 2012, I will finagle a way to be on national television again on something like The Chew or Unique Eats. It will happen though, even if it means I have to go stand behind a news reporter with a cardboard signs that says on it.
  • I am going to try to become Superstar Employee of the Month even though everyone else at my job deserves it way before I do.
  • The next time a lady tells me she wants her burger cooked medium and then sends it back because it has a little pink in it, I will not mentally shove the burger down her throat. Instead, I will smile and tell her I will have it cooked medium-well and when she's not looking I will take a picture of her with my cell phone and submit the photo to my Facebook page with the caption of "Stupid Fucking Bitch."
  • I will appreciate every shift meal I get because I know there are children in Africa who would love to eat a bowlful of leftover pasta with corn and skate that sat under the warmer so long that it grew its own skin.
  • I will do The Bitchy Waiter Show in New York City and invite everyone to come see me bitch live and in person.
  • This year, I will try to wash my apron.
  • I will sell some more of my Bitch Proud bracelets.
  • Maybe in 2012 I won't manage to get a server fired just because the server was a rude asshole.
  • I am going to attempt to memorize what kind of scotch we serve so that I don't always have to go ask the bartender. Seriously, I have a mental block with that liquor.
  • I am going to finally figure out a cocktail to make using that Bubblegum Vodka I got 366 days ago.
  • If the world ends (again) this year, I will try to be first in line for the party express bus to hell where I know most of you will be joining me.
  • I will marry my boyfriend.
  • Most importantly, I resolve to keep writing as often as I can. This blog makes me happy and even if it never goes further than this, it is a great thing for me. I thank you for reading it and I love when you email or comment or suggest it to your friends. Thank you.

So what about you? Do you have a resolution for 2012? Let me know. Leave a comment, even if it's just to say "Happy New Year, you tired ass bitch."

Happy New Year and here's to a great 2012!


Anonymous said...

no resolution this year but I did quit smoking and have been a non-smoker for over 4 weeks now, yay me! Happy New Year! <3 Bitch on!!

Kim in FL

tara said...

happy new year!

S'A said...

No resolutions here, either. I'm just taking a "wait and see" attitude. If we make it to 2013, then maybe I'll make some resolutions! Happy New Year!

Tracy said...

I love 7 and 14 best

Adam said...

I'm so happy to hear that you came to a decision about getting married! If you invite me to any portion of the fabulosity I'll get you a fabulous present to rival all presents... ...OOH! OOOOOOOOOOH!! Or, OR, I will do your hair in a bridal style that will surely land you on the cover of countless bridal magazines.

I can probably help you with the bubblegum vodka too... ....not because I figured out what you're supposed to do with it, but because through experimentation, I have figured out everything that you are not supposed to do with it.

Mark W said...

1 part bubblegum vodka
1 part whipped cream vodka
1 large splash fruit pucker of your choice
1 part Sprite

Bustednuckles said...

OK, I just found ya from the nice lady at Practical Pasomony and you are right up my alley.

One of the first jobs I ever had was a short order cook at a breakfast joint across the street from a giant lumber mill so I know exactly what you are talking about and yes, I try to overtip to make up for the rest of the ignorant fucks out there.
Been a mechanic for over thirty years, that's why I call myself Bustednuckles and you are going to be on my Blogroll at Ornery Bastard in a fews seconds.
Just Google it.

Nice Blog ya got here.


Bustednuckles said...

Practical Parsimony...


Anton said...

I hope your year is full of fat tips and happiness.

I know what to do with bubblegum vodka! Mix with vanilla vodka (or vanilla syrup), grenadine and cola.

(I can't wait to hear about your wedding.)

nanny7561 said...

I started reading you about a year ago. I read your blog or check your blog everyday. I love your blog...i use to be a sever when i was younger but with health issues i am no longer able to do it. You still doing it with bithy waiter class...

California Girl said...

Happy New Year Bitchy

Lolamouse said...

I love you just the way you are! I can't tell you how happy I am that you and your BF are getting married!!! Chik-Fil-A to cater? LOL.

Jessica said...

Happy New Year, from one tired ass bitch to another. My only resolution is one what I've had on my list for the past 5+ years but I'm ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT THIS YEAR!! I'm sick and tired of being fat. I hate it. I will lose weight and get to bikini body or die trying!

Peep Toes said...

I love your resolutions, especially getting married! I like how you tucked that in at the end of the post, too.

Anonymous said...

I would totally come out to NYC to see you live. You are hilarious. Happy New Year to my favorite blogger!

Mary A. said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want you to know that if I spent NYE with you I would totally respect you and NOT try to slip you the tongue during the midnight kiss. Probably.

Enjoy that disturbing image!

Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year "Tired Ass Bitch"!!! Sorry, I couldn't resist. N... 1C

Becca said...

I've followed you all year and I've enjoyed every minute of it! You always manage to brighten my day when you post, and I'm grateful.

I hope you have a year filled with joy and happiness. Congratulations on the wedding! I hope it's everything you've dreamed and more!

Anonymous said...

Re: Your resolution to keep blogging.
Do it! Your blog is one of the few blogs I still read religiously. It's good for developing your writing skills as well. I've noticed over the past year that your grammar skills are sharpening, and your creative ability at remaining on the necessarily narrow topic of each post, while developing multiple insights about each topic, is becoming keener. As an English major, (now elderly), and formerly a teacher of creative writing, I shout, Bravo! Keep up your enjoyment of writing for us!

JoBo said...

Happy New Year Bitchy!! Thank you for 299 posts last year, I read 'em all! My resolution is to make sure each and every server I come across this year sees my extremely stylish "Bitch Proud" bracelet and gets your blog address. Now there is a resolution I can keep! I love ya Bitchy!

Anonymous said...

You cut the logo and copyright off of the bottom of this pic.

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Alex said...

Hahaha, washing the apron, don't even waste your time mate. At my first job I always washed mine and the only thing that happened was that it faded, frayed, and got a huge hole in the pocket while still managing to stink of coffee and cocktails somehow.