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Friday, January 6, 2012

Good Morning, Camel Toe



I saw a case of camel toe yesterday and it brought this post to mind. Yes, it is a repeat, but even Camel Toe deserves another day in the sun every once in a while.


Of all the sights that have caught my eye, there's one I truly know that gives me frights and makes me cry: the dreaded camel toe.


Why oh why do women not bother to look in the mirror sometimes? Especially when that woman is about to get up on a stage in front of 60 people and have spotlights shining upon her? Wouldn't she want to make sure that every thing is as good as it can be? Her hair and make up spot on? Her outfit freshly pressed? Her black Lycra® pants not being sucked up into her vagina?

There was a performer at my job last month who although extremely talented, was upstaged by her guest star, Camel Toe. Camel Toe came up on stage with her and then it never left. It liked the attention and it was not going anywhere. We have a full length mirror in the dressing room, for Christ's sake. Use it. You know in those cartoons when someone is really bad on stage and a giant hook comes from offstage and pulls them off? How I wished for a giant pair of pliers to show up and pull those pants out of her pooch. Or you know how on Showtime at the Apollo Sandman Sims would come out and tap dance someone off the stage when they sucked? I needed Sandman to rise from the grave and tippy tap that twat away. Maybe the singer liked her Camel Toe. Maybe it gave her comfort in the same way that Linus from The Peanuts takes comfort from his blanket. After all, she did wear a black top with a line of sequins that went right down the front of her body ending at Camel Toe. Was this a way to draw attention to it? And in almost every song, she swayed her hips back and forth and to and fro making Camel Toe more prominent with every move. By the time the show was over she had almost graduated from Camel Toe to full on Moose Knuckle. It was distracting to me and I usually am not in the habit of looking at that particular part of the female anatomy.

I kept waiting for her to sing Midnight at the Oasis so she could utter the perfect lyrics, "Send your camel to bed" and if not to bed then to the Bronx fucking Zoo. Anywhere but my place of employment, please. At one point she sang a song about the Sahara Desert and I couldn't help but wonder if it was a shout out to her friend Camel Toe. Every time she took a sip of water, I questioned if the water was for her or Camel Toe. Was her Camel Toe one-humped or two? (It was two.)

After her last song, she ran off stage to where I was hanging out by the bar and she waited to return for the obligatory encore. I tried not to look at Camel Toe, but it was staring at me. "Hey there, Bitchy Waiter, down here! Look at me! I'm hot and sweaty, but happy as a clam. For I am Camel Toe! I'm thirsty."

"Ummm, good show," I muttered.

"Oh thanks, sweetie. I guess I'll go do one more song." She readied herself to return to the stage. She shook her hair out and took a big sip of water. And then she hiked her pants up so high that her Urethra Franklin cried out for some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. She closed her act and then came out and chatted with us as we cleaned up for the night. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me for everything. After she left, I told my boss, "She was really nice. It's gonna be difficult to write a blog about her camel toe." You know what though? It really wasn't that difficult at all.

Don't know what a camel toe is? This is what a camel toe is:







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17 comments:

Bill Dameron said...

If you can't wow them with talent, stun them with camel toe. That's what I always say....

diatribesandovations.com said...

ROFL! Mr. Dameron slays me!

Great post! I'm glad you went there ... I wouldn't have the nerve.

♥ Braja said...

that was my first laugh out loud for the day, and it's frikkin' 8.14pm :))

Little redhead said...

Haha hilarious, I really don't get how that doesn't feel uncomfortable. Buy some jeans lady! The amount of women who can pull off lycra or leggings is very very low.
My French teacher in secondary school constantly wore leggings as pants, and the camel toe's we had to say daily..really disturbing. Really not a part you want to see of your motherly 60 year old teacher.

JoeinVegas said...

Perhaps that is part of the entertainment she was hired to provide.

Mary A. said...

Another reason to wear Spanx.

in bed with married women said...

there is actually some anti-camel toe product i saw online. it's like a shield thing you shove between your legs. perhaps i'm overly practical and thrifty, but to me, seems like wearing tight-effing pants plus some foreign shield-like object stuck in your wang is WAY more problematic that just, say, wearing proper fitting pants.

jill
ps it gives me undue pleasure that my captcha word is "fackeet."

Practical Parsimony said...

I never look at this part of women's anatomy either. It just is not important to me. However, I keep having this pointed out to me...camel toe on people, that is. I cannot stand pants that tight. It must hurt. Plus, it can cause a horrendous physical problem for older women that will send them to the doctor Wearing a minipad or liner would solve the problem.

Josie/Push The Fish said...

So, I'm laughing out loud over here at the computer and from across the room Curtis says, "Whatcha laughin' at, babe?" and I reply....."Oh, Bitchy's Camel Toe....just a minute, I'm still reading". I got a very strange look.....guess I'd better clear that up for him. And maybe grab a glass of water.

Frenzyful said...

Lol, I couldn't stop laughing. Love the blog, Bitchy! Keep bitchin'. And ew, what a creepy case of Deja vu just now.

MedReigns said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MedReigns said...

Jesus... nothin good about camel toe really. Not one thing. I had a customer I was serving point his date's camel toe out to me when she went to the bathroom once and when she came back I was laughing so hard I had to run away when I saw it.

Sulky kitten said...

That's hilarious! The thing is ,if you point it out to them you just come across as a crazy pervy nutjob....and they scream that you shouldn't be looking there...! Get a mirror, a BIG mirror..

Classy in KC said...

You brighten my day with your hilarious commentary on everything people can't say. I aspire to be as humorous as you if even just for one day. Thank you!!!

Gallo said...

G R O S S

busana muslim said...

good information ... I have read and will be added to my personal knowledge... thanks

LDDShane said...

Once more, laughing out loud at the bitchy waiter! THANK YOU!