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Monday, January 23, 2012

Year of the Dragon

I don't really follow my horoscope so much. I am a Gemini which basically means I am two-faced bitch who likes to talk too much. Spot on. When it comes to Chinese astrology, I know even less. I do know that I was born in the year of the Goat which I presume makes me a stubborn old nag who eats tin cans for dinner and is always grumpy, so yeah, good call Chinese horoscope. A quick Google search also tells me that Goats "will only assume leadership roles when asked directly, they'll never volunteer." Right again. Good career options for us Goat Asses include "florist, interior designer, daycare teacher, pediatrician, actor, editor, hair stylist, illustrator, musician, and art history teacher." All Goats are gay men. Additionally, Goats "feel most comfortable at home and alone and they prefer the couch because there they can relax and explore their minds." The description of Goat Me is eerily correct leading me to believe I may be part Chinese which would explain my love for General Tso's Chicken. But today marks the beginning of a new year. It's not the eye of the tiger nor the hair of the dog, it's the Year of the Dragon so get your fire-breathin' asses ready for a phenomenal year. Since all I know about dragons is what I learned in 1977's Pete's Dragon, I did some research to see what the Year of the Dragon is all about other than Helen Reddy singing "Candle on the Water".

I doubt anyone who is reading this was born this morning but they are the newest Year of the Dragon folks. And just because we are Rats and Goats and Monkeys that doesn't mean we can't take some of the fiery characteristics of the Dragon and incorporate them into our daily lives. This is how I will do it for the rest of 2012:

  • Dragons symbolize such character traits as dominance and ambition. Therefore I will dominate my tables with my keen sense of I-don't-give-a-fuck.
  • Dragons prefer to live by their own rules and if left on their own, are usually successful. Therefore, I will decide when and how you will get your burger cooked and the rule is you tip me 25% so I can become the most successful waiter of all Dragons.
  • They’re driven, unafraid of challenges, and willing to take risks. This means I will take the risk of drinking Chardonnay in paper cups while at work and accept the challenge of carrying a tray while totally buzzed on cheap house wine.
  • They’re passionate in all they do and they do things in grand fashion. I am not passionate about waiting tables. Fail, Chinese Horoscope people.
  • Unfortunately, this passion and enthusiasm can leave Dragons feeling exhausted and interestingly, unfulfilled. Oh, wait I take that back. Right again, Chinese Horoscope people.
  • Dragons could benefit from incorporating mild activity into their lives like yoga or walking. Um, I will substitute yoga for Vodka and walking with Tequila.
  • Dragons prefer leading to being led. This is why I am always striving to be Superstar Employee of the Month and/or head waiter. Right, uh huh.

If I am unable to fulfill these goals for the Year of the Dragon, then I will instead vow to be Shelley Winters as Lena Gogan in Pete's Dragon for Halloween.



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6 comments:

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

You ain't right. I think you're my doppelganger. I, too, am a Gemini and meet all of the same requirements.

I will not, however, be dressing like Shelley Winters again this Halloween.

Classy in KC said...

I love the all goats are gay mean fact. Your posts always brighten my day.

Some Sort of Fairy said...

No, you're not passionate about being a waiter. But that's not what you "do." You're an actor, writer, and occasional lush, and even though we've never met I consider you one of my best gays (I do come to see you just about every day, after all).

Push The Fish said...

When Curtis wrote our first blog this year, he ended it by commenting about "The Year of the Fish". He was just being clever, but for the longest I thought it really WAS the year of the Fish until the Dragon began to show up everywhere, extinguishing my hopes that the Chinese decided long ago to make this year completely about us. Oh well. Guess we'll just have to do that ourselves! On another note, if you ever become a daycare teacher, please let us know. We would SO sign Shire up to your class!

Confessions from the Hairdresser said...

My birthday is the day before yours so I'll attest to the fact that you've stated everything that there is to know about Western astology.
May Geminis are also extra quick-witted though.

raising HDL cholesterol said...

I seldom believe in my astrology and horoscopes because if I do, it totally freaks me out! I rather say it as a coincidence but anyway, I hope all the goat year people are very much lucky this year of the water dragon. Cheers for good fortune, health and prosperity!