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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The First Asshole Baby of 2012

2012 wasn't even twenty-four hours old before I encountered the first demon spawn of the new year. I was at a New Year's Day party nursing my hangover with a glass or two of prosecco. The gathering was one for adults, I assumed, but lo and behold through the doors came a couple with child in tow; an adorable little boy of about two or three. I thought back to the resolution that I made earlier that morning: If a baby is in my station I will not immediately assume it's an asshole. I will wait three minutes before I determine its asshole-ness. I set the stopwatch on my phone for three minutes to pass before I determined if the child was an asshole or not and then I remembered that the baby was not in my station. Therefore, it was alright to deem it an asshole only twenty seconds into my time with it.

Why is this child here? There are thirty audits ranging from 25 to 50 years old at this party and there is one person who is clearly not the drinking age. Maybe the parents wanted to spend the first day of the new year with their child, but I certainly didn't. I decided I would pour myself another glass of prosecco and ignore the hell out of it. Easier said than done. It let out a piercing scream when someone tickled it. "He's been cooped up in the car for a few hours today'" laughed Dad. "He has a lot of energy to burn." Oh, then by all means bring it to a party then, that's freakin' perfect. No, no, don't take it to a park or something. Take it to a party where more than half the room needs mellow because they threw up the night before from ringing in the new year. This child was terrifying. I thought I had already seen the most disgusting thing I would possibly see all year when I watched a woman kiss a taxidermied Dick Clark at 12:01 but that was topped when I saw the kid put a cherry tomato in his mouth and then decide he didn't like it and spit it out and place it right back with the others. I knew it was going to do that as soon as I saw it pick up the tomato. "That's a pretty big bite there," I said to it. "Maybe you shouldn't put the whole thing in your mouth." It ignored me and crammed it into its mouth. "Just don't fucking choke on it, alright?" I thought as I scanned the room for its parents in case there was a need for the Heimlich.

Eventually, someone started to play with the child and got it all riled up. I continued to ignore it as much as I could. Suddenly, and without warning, the child ran towards me with his arms over his head. Was he going to hug me? Was he sensing I didn't like him and he wanted to win me over with affection? Was he going to shower me with kisses? No. He threw a coaster at me and then ran away screaming. Adorable. It was then confirmed I truly hated him.

I never once interacted with him and about two ungodly hours later he was still running and screaming and laughing all to the delight of absolutely no one. I sat in my chair and carried on the conversation with my friends when I heard the pounding of little feet coming at me. I turned just in time to see the kid hit my leg and run away to his mother who laughed, because it's just so fucking funny when your kid hits a stranger He did it again. She laughed again. He came at me a third time but this time I put my hand up and said, "No! More!" He did it anyway. I picked up the cheese knife and prepared for the fourth time. Either Mom saw I wasn't a kid person or she saw that I was now armed with a weapon because she kept him close from then on.

Eventually, the kid wound down. Maybe he was tired from all the running around or maybe that vodka I had slipped into his glass of Juicy Juice was finally starting to take affect, I dunno. Right when he was becoming tolerable is when the parents thought it was time to go home. It was almost like they were saying, "Well, he's done annoying you all, so our mission is complete." They wrapped the kid up in a coat and carried it out. The room breathed a collective sigh of "get me another drink." Only eighteen hours into 2012 and I had already had my nerves frazzled by a child. What was in store for me when I drag my ass back to work tomorrow? More annoying babies with parents who resolved for 2012 to let their kids be free spirits? Probably. Just remember: If a baby is in my station I will not immediately assume it's an asshole. I will wait three minutes before I determine its asshole-ness.




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14 comments:

diatribesandovations.com said...

Awesome post! The imagery contained in your words makes me feel as if I was right there with you and the little bastard, backing you up with a cheese knife of my own. (BTW, your use of the word "it" makes me smile as only a tired curmudgeon like myself can smile.)

Those parents need lessons. Maybe an anonymous letter containing a twenty-dollar bill marked "BABY SITTING MONEY" is in order.

I'm just sayin ...

NellieVaughn said...

Keep the restaurants child free!

Stephanie said...

I am not a big fan of other people's children...they annoy me and I have zero patience for them. But I do like my own kids and have a tad bit patience for them. I completely know they can be annoying and put a stop to annoying behavior (or at least show an effort to stop it..that counts, right???) But I also do not take them places where I know it is not appropriate to have kids...like adult only parties. I can't stand parents who think their kid is sooo cute and funny and think everyone else should think they are just adorable too.

Sulky kitten said...

I'm amazed at your fortitude. I would have been temped to Heimlich him whether he needed it or not. Hopefully he got a second wind up when he went home and kept his useless parents on the edge of madness all night.

Mary A. said...

Did you love that the sweetie pie rubbed ranch dressing in your pants so now you can wear them to work?

awwwwwww. . . . .

Lauren said...

wow. The kid would have lost an arm after the second hit. I'm amazed you made it to the third. Especially hung over, my patience is NIL. I wanted to hurt this kid just reading about him, although I do applaud your restraint

Stacy said...

Spent New Years Eve with kids who continuously blew party horns for 2 hours, whenever my husband or I found one on a table or on the floor, we would throw it away. Kept hearing the kids cry to their Moms that they couldn't find their horns, I hid the extras in the laundry room. They literally would blow, and blow and blow and blow... not pretty. Women inside would send them outside, the men outside would send them inside, not one parent would get the message to TAKE THE HORNS AWAY from their children. Plus they took all of the hats and leis, so that at Midnight, not one was left for an adult to wear. Parents acted like they did not recognize their own children. Pretty damn annoying way to spend an evening, even with cocktails.

Anonymous said...

You are hysterical. The Dick Clark remark had me doubled over holding my sides. Keep up the good fight!

Chunky Mama said...

I got invited to a fabulous New Year's Day brunch at a friend's house this year. My kids were invited too, but I have been (alone) before and I know that it would be difficult to keep my 3 monsters from destroying the mellow party vibe. So guess what I did? Kept my ass at home! Because inconsiderate parents suck!

Gallo said...

Why are babies allowed in your restaurant? In Canada (well then again, in Canada) babies are not allowed in certain restaurants and bars as it is a place where alcohol is served after 9pm.

anyway I like babies but not in my airplane or my bar or my restaurant or my movies

Happy NYEAR

JoeinVegas said...

Happy New Year, and may you be faced with dozens of little kids in the coming year.

♥ Braja said...

Brilliant :)

Madeline Lore said...

So funny! I feel your pain on asshole children. They ruin everything.

Ashley McKinley said...

No. Parents need to learn how to PARENT their hell spawns. I have 3 under 6 and they have never acted like dumbasses in a restaurant because their father and I parent them