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Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Baby Speaks

Hi, peoples, I am that 14-month old baby who sat in your station last night. I didn't feel like napping this morning so I crawled my diaper-wearing ass over to my my mom's laptop to kill some time playing Angry Birds and fucking up my Mommy's winning steak on Words With Friends. (Sorry, Mommy, but I just played CAT and left the triple word score open where your sister can now play AXED with the X getting the triple word two times. I know it's mean of me, but that's what you get for giving me a bite of apple last night when it should have been abundantly clear that I was screaming for a fucking Oreo.) Anyways, my mom left open a page called The Bitchy Waiter and I started reading it and I have one to thing to say about this Bitchy Waiter person: what an asshole.

First off, I don't even know why my Mommy would be reading this blog. She's not a waitress. (Note to self: remind Mommy that I want my apple sauce served in a bowl next time and not a coffee cup and tell her she needs to wash her apron. It's filthy with food stains, cat hair and baby vomit.) After reading a few months worth of blog posts from this guy, it seems like he has something against me. Me, being a baby. I had to respond, so I hacked into his blog account and here I am. Hi. I'm a baby.

Yes, I make a mess when I go to a restaurant, get over it. I barely have any motor skills to begin with but you're gonna flip your shit just because I spill a few Cheerios on the floor? It's your job to sweep that floor anyway, so what's the big deal? What do you want me to do, get a broom and sweep it up? I'm still trying to understand this whole potty training thing and you expect me to handle a broom? Not gonna happen. Besides, I don't even want the Cheerios. I have been begging for Cap'n Crunch for like six months now but every time we leave the house, Mommy makes sure we have an enormous baggie filled with Cheerios. I keep thinking that if I just throw them on the floor, she will get that I don't like them. Sorry that by throwing them on the floor, you feel like you have extra work to do. Cry me a fucking river, waiter. Go get me some damn crayons.

Another thing: stop carrying big heavy trays right over my head. Uh, hello? My skull is not fully formed yet and if you drop a skillet of fajitas on it, you could seriously damage me. Not to mention, it might stain my new onsie that I just got as a gift from some lady who works with my Daddy. Wouldn't it make more sense to serve food around me rather than over me? Okay, wait. I just realized that most of the time my Mommy and Daddy place me at the head of the table and in the aisle so I guess I can see how that would make it difficult for you. I will talk to them about that and when I say "talk to them" I mean "cry" and usually when I cry they just give me a bottle so I don't really expect there to be any change, so whatever.

And about that time my diaper was changed in a booth? I was totally against that. I wanted to go do it in the bathroom or even in the car, but my Mommy thought it would be no big deal. No big deal to her. Do you think I like having my beanie wienie all out and about right next to a couple of women sharing a Caesar salad? It was humiliating. I screamed and yelled and cried and I even peed all over the booth in protest but she kept right on changing me. Yes, I peed in the booth and no we didn't clean it up. Please, if my Mommy can't be bothered to pick up a few Cheerios off the floor, do you really think she's going to mop up a puddle of urine? It's your job to mop anyway, right?

I also would like to discuss breastfeeding in a restaurant. Who cares? If my Mommy is going to eat at a table then I want to eat at a table too. I know that her boobies are a little veiny right now and maybe it's not the most fun thing for you to look at when you're trying to refill a water glass but that's how it goes. Maybe you think it would be better for her to take me into the bathroom but I really don't want to eat while she is sitting on the toilet. She does that at home way too often and when I am out in a restaurant I want it to feel like it's a special occasion. Besides, the time that I have to suckle my Mommy is limited and I will not be able to do it forever. It is something I will probably only get to do for like five or six more years and I want to take advantage of it as often as I can. So whether it be at home while we are watching Real Housewives or while we are on the Q32 bus or in your station at the restaurant, that is some real Mommy and Me time right there, so I'm not gonna apologize for it. I will, however,  apologize for that one time she fed me at the grocery store and then forgot to put her milk makers back in her blouse and she finished her grocery shopping that way. Upside? The guy at the deli counter gave us our Boar's Head turkey for free that day. Score!

Okay, I better wrap this up. My nap time will be over soon and I still need to add some shit to our Fresh Direct order. (Oreos, Cap'n Crunch, peanut butter...) Mommy will be coming in here to check on me any minute unless she had an extra glass of Franzia, in which case I have an extra half hour. In conclusion, I want to tell Bitchy Waiter and all you other servers to chill the fuck out with all the "I hate babies" bullshit. You were a babies once too, you know. We're doing the best we can. If you don't like us, then deal with our parents. They're the ones who make the decisions. Well, we make some decisions. For instance, I just now decided that I am going to take a dump as I type this last paragraph. I understand that I could crawl over to the bathroom and sit on the My Little Poopy Pony toilet, but I'm gonna be a baby for as long as I can. It's what we babies do. The next time I go to a restaurant, I promise not to throw Cheerios onto the floor if you promise to stop rolling your eyes every time you see my stroller. Okay, my dump is finished. (When did I have corn?) Hopefully, Mommy is done with her Franzia break because I'm gonna start crying now so she can come clean me up.

Bye bye, bitches.

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JoeinVegas said...

Another off question for you, this one on tips. Do waiters mind my splitting the tip between credit card and cash? Like many people my paycheck is direct deposited, so I don't usually have much cash and use the credit/debit card a lot. Last night we ate out and the bill was $38.11. I added $5 tip on the credit card for $43.11 total charge and left $7 cash. Would it be better to put the whole tip on the card or is splitting like this OK? Or should I start carrying around more cash and leave a full cash tip?

Dew said...

When I was a child, if my siblings or I misbehaved, our mother would make us leave. If we were old enough, we'd have to sit in the car by ourselves until the family was finished eating or whatever. If we weren't, we were accompanied by a parent who made it abundantly clear that they were pissed as hell.

I just wish that I could give the little munchins sitting under the table at the fancy, semi-formal, French restaurant where I work a Swiffer duster to do some detailed crumbing under there. Get those nooks and crannies a good cleaning with their tiny hands, since I'm never going to get down there an hand-scrub that floor. I always enjoy the momen when I try to push the chair in, too, not knowing that the kid is under the table.

Practical Parsimony said...

I wish a younger mother would explain the constant presence of Cheerios.

My daughter shoved a sippy cup of apple juice into the hands of her 2.5 yr old and carried cheerios that she handed him as soon as he was in his carseat. He was neither hungry or thirsty but she kept asking him if he needed cheerios or juice. He also wore a size 6 pants and shirt. Yes, he was fat fat fat and she could not see it.

When I took my children out, I had real food and water or milk, and they had to be hungry or thirsty to get it offered. Out of sorts? they probably needed a diaper change. Last resort--food. Of course, I was aware the baby/toddler needed food more often than I, the reason I carried food in the first place.

Okay, why the obsession to always carry something that the child eats continuously? Cheerios seem to be only for the convenience of the parents!

Anonymous said...

First, a $12.00 tip on 38.00 is great, and you are the type of person we love! I, personally, don't think it's a huge deal to do what you do. The only thing is unless servers claim 100% (like we're "supposed" to do lol) we get taxed on credit card tips. The cash we don't HAVE to claim. In my restaurant, our credit card tips go into our bi-weekly paychecks. So in my place of employment, cash is always good! But if I know my credit card tips are gonna be pretty low then I always pray for credit cards. I'd say keep doing what you're doing. The server can enjoy the cash, whether or not they claim it, and people like me can have a bit extra in my check! Come to where I work lmao!!!

Anonymous said...

kids these days are a pain in the ass, and I don't even work retail. why? BECAUSE THE PARENTS WON'T SAY NO TO THE LITTLE FUCKTARDS!

if my sister or I acted up the way some of these widdle pwecious schnowflaykes do now, there would be no next time and there would be hell to pay upon reaching home.

CONTROL YOUR ANIMALS, PARENTS! a leash, ball gag, duct tape work wonders!

Jpop said...

I got one for you guys! Speaking of babies. My sister in law had a kid. She's a wh*re and doesn't raise it. Anyway, when we would have to eat out with my in-laws, my mother in law wouldn't have any formula. So, she would ask anyone she could find to "melt her some vanilla ice cream" for the baby. Yes! A newborn "drinking" ice cream! It's a wonder my husband ever made it out of that home alive. On the other hand, my nephew now weighs more than me and he's 8.

Practical Parsimony said...

I realized the reason that mothers bring Cheerios is to give the baby something to do, so it won't cry. So, the only way to alleviate any boredom or pain is to eat. Is that a message we want children to learn. Oh, yes, I forgot. It is easier on parents than actually parenting. So, we have a nation of fat kids, brats!

Debbie Morella said...

A post from the baby' s perspective? Priceless! ROFL

Mandy said...

My Little Poopy Pony.... amazing.
To the baby: It's not you, hun, it's your fucktard parents that don't understand that a dining establishment isn't Romper Room. Naked boobies and diapers don't belong in a restaurant- a place to visit that is a luxury, not a necessity.

Jpop said...

I HATE that I always look like the b*tch when I have to say something about a family member's child acting up in a restaurant. The parents completely ignore the bad behavior.

So, I'm like, "Could you tell Bobby to stop smearing his sausage link all over the booth. I'm sure the next person who sits there isn't going to appreciate that."

Or, "Could you tell Billy not to throw the sugar packets. People are are giving us dirty looks."

Or, "Johnny might want to sit IN his chair instead of standing on top of it. He's rocking it back and forth and there's a pane of glass behind him!"

I'm the snob because I speak up. My husband says I make "Rude, little comments" to his dumb ass family. I can't win. Next time I'll just let the little sh*t slice his skull open on the glass divider. Screw it.

Anonymous said...

There are few things that piss me off more than kids with the potential to be great getting ruined by lazy parents. If your 6 year old is spilling crumbs all over the floor, maybe you should get your fat ass off the couch, stop making out(in public!!) with your over-hairsprayed girlfriend, and tell her to stop spinning in circles holding food. Blah.
I probably shouldn't say anything, I'm not a parent, but I was parented, and I like to think I picked a few things up.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ ...

There should be a law to pass a test and get a breeding licence prior to plopping a crotchling out.


Anonymous said...

Parents are to blame...period...breastfeeding and changing a diaper at a table is unacceptable...I mean would that be accecptable at the Thanksgiving dinner table?? I dont think so!! Also, is it okay that ur kid throws shit wherever all over the place and the parents do NOTHING about a server, not a maid or a nann...while some mess is to be expected,I still once again ask would it be allowed at the Thanksgiving dinner table??? NO IT WOULD NOT!!! So its not that as servers we hate kids or babies, we hate the parents who dont know how to act or control their kids in.public!!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree on everything but breastfeeding. If the child is hungry feed them, remember people, that's what the breast is for!

Anonymous said...

I've been in food service for ten years. I was never huge on kids, but the way I see it breastfeeding is natural. And it's a real asshole who thinks a baby should not be fed when they're hungry. Btw it's a federal law that mommies can pop their ladies into little one's mouth wherever they choose to do so.

Anonymous said...

I am a server and a mommy. And while my perspective has changed some since becoming a parent, I'm less patient with ride parents now than before I had a child. I know what its like to have a bored 2 year old at the table, so i bring some quiet, non annoying tours got him to play with. If he's bad, or loud, or annoying in any way I take him outside. And I always make sure I leave a generous tip. Also... For all the parents out there,.DON'T LET YOUR KID PUT HIS HANDS IN MY APRON. ITS FUCKING ANNOYING

Anonymous said...

Hey, Baby, we love Bitchy! I'm glad to know that you see a few things in the right perspective, like it's your dumbass parents that put your high hair in the aisle! However, let me correct you on a couple of things. It is not a restaurant's job to entertain your tiny ass. We don't have paper and crayons, because you color on everything EXCEPT the fucking paper! Don't you have any toys you could bring. BTW, that is a sugar caddy on your table, not a toy box. Also, aren't you on some kind if schedule? Tell your parents not to take you to a restaurant if it's your nap time, or get pissed because you're hungry and we don't have your meal ready in two seconds! And finally, is it absolutely necessary to bring that fucking baby SUV of a stroller in and park it right in the aisle? It's your parents we hate. We won't hate you for another 18 years, when we'll have to deal with your fucking kid!