Dear Abby versus Dear Bitchy Waiter (Waiter in a Wig!)

 I found a letter to Dear Abby this weekend that caught my eye and I had to respond. I loves me some Dear Abby, but sometimes her responses are just a little too sweet.

DEAR ABBY: Last night at a restaurant, my husband and I were surprised to see a male server wearing a blond wig and full makeup. I was, to say the least, shocked and glad we hadn’t brought the children, ages 11 and 14, with us. How do you explain something like that to an 11-year-old? The 14-year-old would be able to “get it.” What kind of policies are in place for restaurants in cases like this? What if customers are offended? Could I request a different server or just leave? Your comments would be appreciated.— TAKEN ABACK IN CALIFORNIA 

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: In California, people have the legal right to dress in a style not typical of their gender without fear of discrimination or retaliation. That right is protected by state law. If customers find it offensive, they can either request a different server or take their business elsewhere. Presumably, the customer would pay for food that had already been prepared. Because children today grow up quickly and are less sheltered than in past decades, I recommend you explain to your 11-year-old not all people are alike, and the importance of treating others with respect. It’s called reality.

Okay, Abby gave a pretty good answer there but I think that she needed to give a little bit of tough love to stupid ass Taken Aback. Here is my response:

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Hello? It's 2012. We are no longer living in a fucking fantasy world where gender roles are are cut and dry. If your waiter wants to wear a blond wig and makeup then he can wear the fucking blond wig and makeup. Personally, I would be much more offended if a waitress showed up at my table wearing blue eyeshadow and frosted tipped winged hair. Talk about offensive. As for your 11 and 14 year-olds, thank God they were spared the "horror" of seeing someone living his life the way he wants to live it without the need to hide his true self. Your kids should be so lucky to have the courage that the waiter has. If your letter is any indication of how close-minded you are, God help your children if one of them ends up being gay or lesbian. They will most likely be fearful of your response and try to keep it hidden and we all know how great that goes. 

As for policies in "cases like this," who cares? Restaurants should be more concerned with policies that keep narrow-minded assholes out of their dining rooms. Sure, you had the option to request another server since it must have been truly an awful experience for you to eat your chicken wings while having to look at a man in a wig. How did you ever survive? And yes, you had the option of leaving. Had you done that, you could have walked out with your head held high so that all the world would know you're an idiot. I'm sure if you had, every server would have thanked their lucky stars that they didn't have to serve your bigoted ass. 

In the world today, I am certain that your kids have seen much more shocking things on the Internet than a waiter in a wig. If you think it would have been difficult to "explain" to your kids, you are not giving them near enough credit. Kids today are pretty smart. They know what gay is. They know what transsexual is. And they also know that the chicken wings you ordered are non-organic and were thawed out in the microwave. Give 'em some credit.

Thank you for your letter. It serves as a reminder that no matter how many steps the LGBT movement has made, there are still many more to take. It takes people like you to show the rest of the world how silly it is to be so petty over something as inconsequential as wig and a makeup. Get the fuck over it. 

Love, 
The Bitchy Waiter

Once again, I think I have proven that I totally deserve my own advice column. Damn, I would be good at that. I can't imagine why Huffington Post has not contacted me yet. If you agree, please "like" this story. Or whatever.



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Dear Abby versus Dear Bitchy Waiter

Thank you to everyone who alerted me to this Dear Abby column that happened over the weekend:

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I recently went out to eat and I was put in an awkward situation. One of them announced that I had left a big tip when I paid my bill. Abby, I always leave a generous tip. I was raised well below the poverty line, and my mother's tips literally determined how much we would be able to eat that day. The co-worker who said it became upset with me and began lecturing me about how "rude" it is to leave a large tip, especially when you're with other people. She even said it "degrades" the server.

My mom may have raised me differently than most people, but I was taught that it's OK to leave a big tip as long as you don't announce it to everyone. Was what I did considered rude? -- GENEROUS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR GENEROUS: No. The person who was rude was your co-worker, for making a spectacle. She probably did it because your tip made hers appear to be stingy. Diners leave tips based upon the quality of the service they receive. If you felt your server merited it, you were right to leave a large tip.

P.S. I have never heard of a server feeling "degraded" because of a large tip. Grateful, yes. Degraded, never!

Of course the response was sweetly written by Dear Abby, but I have my own response that I think is just a little bit better and more to the point:

DEAR GENEROUS: God bless your little pea-picking heart for knowing that servers depend on tips. Your mother must have been a very wise woman and she raised a magnificent child in you. As for your co-worker, she is a tired dried up piece of shit for brains bitch who was totally embarrassed that you made her look like the cheap nasty whore that she is. Maybe she should tie an apron around her waist for a couple of weeks and see what it's like when someone leaves her a crap tip. Severs do not feel degraded by big tips. Maybe she thinks that it looks like pity or a hand-out when really it is just a customer's way to say "job well done." You want to know when servers feel degraded? They feel degraded when customers bark orders at them without ever saying "please" or "thank you." They feel degraded when they are left a few coins on the table after they have busted their hump to make sure that the meal was everything the customer wanted it to be. They feel degraded when asked "so what's your real job" or "what's your back-up plan for your future?"

Leaving a big tip is not rude. Rude is ignoring the server who is trying to set the entree down while the customer is busy taking a fucking picture of his cocktail to send to his Facebook page. Rude is when a customer lets their child run freely around the whole restaurant bothering other guests and making it dangerous for employees who are carrying around big heavy steaming plates of food. Rude is when a customer stays at their table an hour after paying the check making it impossible to turn the table so that the server can actually make money while at work. Leaving a big tip is the opposite of rude.

Generous, you were right in what you did. I hope you left the tip that you wanted to leave and did not let that cheap bitch interfere with your good intentions. As for your friend, I suggest you cut her loose from your life. If she's just a co-worker, then leave it at that. She is not someone you want to have anything to do with. Nobody likes her and you were probably the last person who could still stand being around her which is another credit to your mother who obviously taught you to respect other people. This person does not deserve respect. All she deserves is a punch in the cunt and a big bag of bed bugs. 

Love,

The Bitchy Waiter

There you have it. Based on this thoughtful response, I should totally have my own syndicated advice column in a magazine. I am so fucking helpful and shit. If you agree, please "like" this and let's make it happen.



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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am an 18 year old girl who is just starting college and am thinking about getting a part time job as a waitress. All my friends tell me that this is a bad idea because restaurant employees, especially servers are a bunch of cigarette smoking, booze swilling, drug addicts. Is this true? The waitress in my home town in Idaho, is a very sweet lady. My friends also say that if I start working at a restaurant, I'll turn into a crack addicted tramp. Is that true as well?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I feel it is my duty to let you know that your friends are 99% correct about restaurant employees. Most of them are exactly as they have described with the exception of myself and the sweet waitress you know from Idaho. We are both wonderful and caring people who avoid cigarettes, drugs and booze at all costs much unlike everyone else in the restaurant industry. (Occasionally, I may fall off the wagon and have a cocktail or two.) Your hometown waitress was a total meth head for many years, but she kicked the habit and now her only addiction is Diet Coke. She is constantly at the soda gun feeding her cravings by drinking straight from the tap. It's not pretty, but it's better than meth. Sort of. Anyhoo, if you decide to get a job as a waitress, be ready to eat a big slice of I-Told-You-So pie from your friends because you will most definitely become a crack addicted tramp.

So what should you do to earn money that will not lead you down the path of evil? Well, it has to be something with flexible hours so that you can continue your education. And it has to be something where you can make good money in a relatively short period of time so you have time for your homework. And it has to be something that will not make you smell like fajitas. I would suggest prostitute. As a young woman, men will be willing to pay a pretty penny for your time and you can be certain that your "johns" will treat you with way more respect than they would if you were a lowly waitress. And as a bonus, you can make your own hours, be your own boss and not pay taxes. It's a win win! Confused, I know you can do this if you set your mind to it. Good luck! (By the way, I hear that Craigslist has removed their "adult services" sections so I would suggest "casual encounters.")

Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter

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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I saw your comment about overpriced dishes at various NYC restaurants and how you'd like to work at one (because of that). What does it take to get a job as a waiter at one of the really high-class, expensive NYC eateries? One would assume, as well, that with high prices, tips would be better or are they, in actuality? Do tell, plz!

signed,
Curious

Dear Curious:

There are many ways to finagle your ass into a high priced eatery as a server. Of course the best way is to be an impeccable professional with amazing experience and a detailed resume showing it off. However, if you are someone like me who has always worked in low budget, chain, diner crap restaurants, then your best bet is to lie your ass off and hope for the best. Many people ask me how to get a waiting job in New York City when so many places require New York City experience. It's a goddamn catch fucking 22. You need the experience but can't get hired to gain the experience. I often recommend lying in that case as well. When I moved to New York City back in the late 1960's, I had several years of waiting experience under my apron but no one would hire me because I had never done it in New Your City, as if carrying a tray in one state is any different than carrying it in another. So I lied. I added a non-existent restaurant onto my resumé with just a few months of experience on it. In NYC, restaurants come and go so it is no surprise to say that you worked somewhere that is now closed. Just look for a restaurant that recently opened and chances are it was another restaurant a few weeks before. Say you worked there until it closed. If they try to call the place to verify your job history, the number will either be disconnected or the new restaurant will say that the old one closed collaborating your employment dates that you put on your resumé . End of story.

Getting into a fine dining place is a bit harder, but can be done. Simply wait until the restaurant is getting its linen delivery of tablecloths and napkins. When you see the big rolling cart of linens going into the back of the house, all you have to do is climb into it and hide yourself beneath the napkins. Once inside, put on your apron, scope out a section you like and go for it. (Warning: this may not work every time. It is possible you could be arrested for trespassing but it is not a big deal and they usually drop the charges. Usually.)

Good luck with your job search!

Signed,

The Bitchy Waiter


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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

Have you ever had a bus person or server steal your tips? What should I do?

Signed, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
First, let me thank you for writing in. I only wish you had used your real name because whenever someone uses "anonymous" I think its one of those hater bitches who are always trying to bring me down. And now to your question. Yes, I have had people steal my tips and I blamed it on the bus boy. Those sorry ass mother fuckers always lift the money off the table to wipe it and then when they put the money back down, they keep a dollar or maybe just the spare change. Of course, it's hard to prove, but if you have an idea who is doing it, then you need to catch them red handed so you can report it to your manager and get their thieving ass fired. But how to catch them? There are many ways, but I recommend the following: go to your local Spy Store where you can buy something like a Nanny Cam. Get a high quality one that costs at least or four or five hundred dollars because you want the video to be crystal clear when you upload that shit to You Tube. Install the camera in a light fixture directly over a table in your station. This can be done by accessing the electrical wiring by going into the ceiling. While up in the ceiling, be aware of fiberglass insulation. You certainly don't want to get it on you. It may be best to wear a full body suit that electricians wear and you can pick one of those up at your local Home Depot for not more than seventy-five dollars. Once the camera has been installed, it is time to set your trap. Consciously leave your tips on the table for longer than you normally would so that the greedy thief has plenty of opportunity to steal it. Once you feel that you have caught what you want on camera, simply go back into the ceiling to remove the camera, transfer the tape on to DVD and edit it by using a simple home editing program like iMovie. I recommend you add titles, transitions and music to make the recording as enjoyable as possible. You may find it helpful to take a class at the Learning Annex to learn more about editing. Upon completion, present the DVD to your manager. Make sure you have labeled the DVD and created a jewel case cover for it (use Avery label templates) so that your manager knows exactly what he or she will be watching. After the theft has been clearly seen on video surveillance, it will be a very simple procedure to fire this bitch on the spot. Follow these simple steps and your problem will be solved!

If you feel that this is too complicated and you simply want revenge, slash that bitches tires or use the old iPod flier routine. Good luck!

signed,
the Bitchy Waiter


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Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I need your advice. I have just left my usual spot after receiving half-ass drinks all night from the bartender with the lovely face and ample bosom. After asking to cash out she proceeded to wait on many male patrons and when she finally returned to me with my card and receipt she popped attitude. Should I have clotheslined her like I wanted to?

~Donda

Dear Donda,
I can see how tempting it would have been to wait for this bartender's shift to end, follow her home in order to learn her address and then head over to 7-11 for a carton of eggs to pelt her house with. Very tempting indeed. I do not recommend ever doing this no matter how much fun it would be and how many wonderful memories you would have for the rest of your life. (And on a side note, an open apology to Mrs. Deheul, my 12th grade drama teacher: I'm sorry I pelted your house with eggs even though it was really fun and I am still carrying around those memories from that magical evening.) Donda, you should just let this girl be. We all know she was spending all her attention on the men folk because her big titties were going to help her get bigger tips. Can't says I blame her. I guess she didn't feel like it was worth it to pay attention to you even though there was a hefty Double D tip in it for her. What goes around comes around. Just last week I ate dinner at a bar and the hot young (male) bartender kept ignoring me as he poured attention on all the single ladies. Fine, whatever. But when he gave me my check, the dumbass had forgotten to ring in all four of my cocktails. They were $11.50 each. He fucked up because he was too busy with the hos he thought would tip him more. Did I tell him? Nope. It's happened to all of us. I left him a 30% tip on what he did charge me but it could have been so much more. Never fear. The bartender that dissed you will have her chance at getting dissed in return.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Bitchy Waiter Advice

Someone sent me a Facebook post asking for my advice about how to deal with a co-worker. That's right. Someone was looking at me as their own personal Dear Abby. My plan was to copy that post and respond to it here, but they removed it before I had a chance to extol my wisdom. So I shall paraphrase her quandary:

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
First off, let me say how totally and completely amazing you are. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. Anyway, I need your help. My friend works with a woman who constantly steals tables from other people and no amount of reminding her what her station is seems to matter. I can't go to management with this problem because there basically is none at the restaurant. What do you think my friend should do?

Signed,
Worried Waitress

Dear Worried Waitress,
This girl that your friend works with sounds like a total bitch ass pain in the hoo ha. First off, I would take the matter to management. Even if she thinks the manager won't help, they are the ones to go to first. If they are so completely unhelpful, maybe another place to work is the answer. I would also go to the ghetto bitch and gently remind her that she is taking care of a table that are not hers. If that does not help, you have my permission to go passive aggressive on her ass.
This may not affect what tables she takes but it will make your friend feel a whole hell of a lot better. Get her cell phone number from the contact sheet. You then open up your handy dandy Word application and draw up a flier for an imaginary iPod that you are trying to sell for $50. Just explain that it's basically new but you got a new one for your birthday and want to get rid of the old one. Post the phone number of the table stealing whore on the flier. Then make sure that you say that she works odd hours so the only time to call is after midnight or before 8:00 AM. Make about a hundred fucking million of these fliers and head to your nearest college campus. Put these bitches up everywhere. I guarantee it will make her cell phone ring like crazy. I would also suggest that they text her so that she may go over her minimum texts for the month and have to start paying for them. Just to make sure that it's working, go to a pay phone (not a number you want traced) and call the number to ask about the great deal on the iPod. If she responds with "Stop calling me!! It's a wrong number!! Stop fucking calling me!! STOP!!!" then you know your work is done. Not that I have ever done this. Why, that would be mean and bitchy and horribly unlike me. Uh huh. Sure. Good luck.



Signed,
The Bitchy Waiter



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