A Very Bitchy Christmas

Christmas is almost upon us and sometimes we need to take a moment to think about what the holiday season is all about. As you know, I have a close personal relationship with Jesus. He spoke to me last night while I was on the 7 train. I don't mean that He spoke to me through prayer or in a vision. I mean He actually sat down next to me and we had a conversation. The train was really crowded, but he squeezed his holier-than-thou ass all up into my space and started talking to me. He had several bags from Macy's and Best Buy in His possession so he seemed like he was almost done with his Christmas shopping. He mentioned to me that he got his Mom a gift certificate to Bliss Spa because she always gets so stressed out this time of year. Anyhoo, He asked me to remind people of a few things regarding his birthday so I pass this on to you as the word of God:

• If you go to a restaurant with a large group of people to exchange gifts, do not leave all that discarded wrap there on the floor for the server to clean up. It's rude.
• You don't have to just say "Happy Holidays." If you want to say "Merry Christmas," just say it. This country is too caught up in not offending each other yet we continue to be one of the most offensive countries in the world. (He's looking at you, Kardashian Clan.) If someone isn't celebrating Christmas and they get pissed off that you told them to have a nice one, they'll get over. It's not the end of the world. (That is coming right up, by the way, so repent, sinners.)
• Take a little time to enjoy The View.
• He wants you to stop with the fake money as a tip. It's giving Him a bad name and he does not appreciate it.
• Just because someone goes to church on Christmas and Easter does not give them the right to judge others, so stop it.
• He wanted me to tell you that he does not give a shit about same-sex marriage. "Love is love," he said. He also told me that he does not have time to deal with it and it is really low on his priority list. It's right under people who pray to win the lottery and/or get laid.
  
• He wants you to know that people who tip 25% get on the express elevator to Heaven, so keep that in mind the next time you eat out.
• Grass-fed reindeer is not as good as it sounds.
  
• If you are giving gifts this season, enough with the gift cards. He said to take a few minutes and really think about what someone would like. Don't just give another lame-ass $50 gift card to the Gap. Put some thought into it and stop being so Goddamn (His word, not mine) lazy.
• You don't have to go to church to have ever-lasting life. Be good to people and treat them nicely and you will ensure yourself a future of rewards. He told me that Karma is a bitch and He should know; Karma is his second cousin twice removed on his Father's side.
• It is better to give than to receive but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want. Wanting something sometimes makes you work harder to achieve it, so go for it.
• You don't always have to pray at a restaurant. It makes the server uncomfortable sometimes. Just a simple "Hey, thanks for the food, Heavenly father" will suffice.
• Stop being Him for Halloween.
• He really does like Santa Claus, it's just that sometimes he gets a little jealous of all the attention St. Nick gets. Who can blame Him? I mean here it Jesus' birthday and Santa is like that fat kid at the birthday party who eats more cake than anyone else.
  

There you have it. I took a picture of Him with my cell phone but it came out all blurry so I Googled that image if Him when he was a baby. Such an adorable baby, He was. So very Anglo-Saxon.

Below, I am sharing a video that I think captures the true meaning of Christmas. I sang this song last week at a benefit for kids with HIV because I am not always a total bitch. Just most of the time. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Good Kwanzaa, Happy Solstice or whatever the hell it is you are celebrating this week! And do me a favor: share this, like it or whatever. Thanks!

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Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life and that Son shall also sit at booth #16 and be served by The Bitchy Waiter. - John 3:16

I am about 99.9% sure that Jesus came into my restaurant last night. I had always heard that Jesus was everywhere, but I never expected him to show up in my station. We first saw Him looking into the window of the restaurant. Initially, we all thought He was checking out the menu but then we realized that He must be seeing if there were any sinners inside that needed saving. I suppose that's why He sat in my station. Jesus was fatter than I thought He would be, but He carried the weight well. I was a little nervous when I approached His table because I haven't been to church since 1988. The last time I went was one Sunday morning in college when I woke up feeling like going back to church after a three year absence. I went to the nearest Baptist church and the sermon that day happened to be about how being gay was a sin. "Oh, that's why I quit coming here," I thought and headed my ass right back out. But Jesus seemed cool last night and He didn't even mention anything about how long it's been since he's heard from me.

He was with a lady friend. I assumed it was Mary Magdalene, but she may have just been some casual encounter and I didn't ask. I gave them the specials and when He started to talk I began having my doubts that this guy was really Jesus because His voice was high pitched and kind of un-Jesus-y. "Maybe it's just some hipster dude who needs to shave and get a haircut," I pondered, but when he asked for a glass of red wine, I knew it was Him. I considered just bringing him a glass of water and letting him do his Jesus-magic but I figured it was His night out and maybe He didn't feel like doing any tricks. Mary ordered white wine which I thought was a real slap in the face to Jesus. I served the drinks and they told me they wanted a little time to decide before placing their order and they asked me for some bread.

"How many loaves would you like, " I asked Him.

"Umm, just one," he said. "If we want more, we'll let you know."

"Just one? Not forty?" I winked at Him to let him know that I knew if He wanted more bread He didn't have to ask me for it. "Would you like any fishes with that?"

Jesus looked at me like he heard that joke all the time so I chilled out and let Him have some space. I wanted to see if I could get Him to walk on water so the next time I was near His table, I spilled a glass of it on the floor next to Him. I pretended that I cleaned it all up, but really I left some there just in case He got up to go take a pee, I could see if He floated over it. After what seemed like forty days and forty nights, He finally called me over to order. He asked for a shell steak, medium rare and I was totally surprised. For some reason I just thought that Jesus would be vegan or vegetarian or at least pescatarian, but he wanted steak. Mary ordered chicken breast which didn't surprise me at all because we all know how Mary Magdalene is and of course she wanted something with the word "breast" in it. Whore.

When their food was ready, I gave Jesus extra ketchup for his fries because I wanted to see if he would pour it all over his plate and then part it like the Red Sea, but he didn't even eat it at all. Man, Jesus, way to disappoint.

By this time, the restaurant was closed and I was ready for the two of them to be on their way, but they kept on yapping about who knows what. When He finally did get up to go the bathroom, I wasn't paying attention so I don't know if He floated over the water or not. I placed their check on the table and when He handed me His credit card His hand accidentally touched mine. I felt the warmth and power of His spirit flow into my body and right up my arm, through my chest, into my neck and directly to my face and lips where it culminated in a tingly sensation. The two of them left the restaurant and blessed everyone as they walked through.

I went to clear their table and see what kind of tip Jesus and Mary left me. They gave me a 15% tip which was fine but I expected a little more considering how many dollars I had dropped into the collection plate during my church years from the early to mid 80's. I picked up the credit card slip to see what Jesus' autograph looked like and it was then that I noticed the name on the card. The name was not Jesus. It was something like Robert or Michael. Hmmm, could this guy have been a Jesus impersonator? Maybe he really was just some dude with long scraggly hair, a beard and sandals. After all, I never saw this guy do any miracles and he never told me he was Jesus, I just assumed. I put the credit card voucher into my apron and carried on with my closing sidework. When I got home I looked into the mirror and I noticed something about my face. That morning, there was the very beginning of a cold sore making its debut on my lower lip, but now it was gone. Could it be that the touch from the Maybe-Jesus-Guy had cured my cold sore in much the same way he had cured those lepers? I think it's possible.

So yes, I will stand behind my claim (99.9%) that Jesus sat at booth 16 last night. The other .1% is reserved for the possibility that it was a guy from Williamsburg, Brooklyn named Robert or Michael who needed to get a damn haircut and the cold sore was cured by the Abreva in my pocket.

God Bless.



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