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Saturday, November 12, 2011

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life and that Son shall also sit at booth #16 and be served by The Bitchy Waiter. - John 3:16

I am about 99.9% sure that Jesus came into my restaurant last night. I had always heard that Jesus was everywhere, but I never expected him to show up in my station. We first saw Him looking into the window of the restaurant. Initially, we all thought He was checking out the menu but then we realized that He must be seeing if there were any sinners inside that needed saving. I suppose that's why He sat in my station. Jesus was fatter than I thought He would be, but He carried the weight well. I was a little nervous when I approached His table because I haven't been to church since 1988. The last time I went was one Sunday morning in college when I woke up feeling like going back to church after a three year absence. I went to the nearest Baptist church and the sermon that day happened to be about how being gay was a sin. "Oh, that's why I quit coming here," I thought and headed my ass right back out. But Jesus seemed cool last night and He didn't even mention anything about how long it's been since he's heard from me.

He was with a lady friend. I assumed it was Mary Magdalene, but she may have just been some casual encounter and I didn't ask. I gave them the specials and when He started to talk I began having my doubts that this guy was really Jesus because His voice was high pitched and kind of un-Jesus-y. "Maybe it's just some hipster dude who needs to shave and get a haircut," I pondered, but when he asked for a glass of red wine, I knew it was Him. I considered just bringing him a glass of water and letting him do his Jesus-magic but I figured it was His night out and maybe He didn't feel like doing any tricks. Mary ordered white wine which I thought was a real slap in the face to Jesus. I served the drinks and they told me they wanted a little time to decide before placing their order and they asked me for some bread.

"How many loaves would you like, " I asked Him.

"Umm, just one," he said. "If we want more, we'll let you know."

"Just one? Not forty?" I winked at Him to let him know that I knew if He wanted more bread He didn't have to ask me for it. "Would you like any fishes with that?"

Jesus looked at me like he heard that joke all the time so I chilled out and let Him have some space. I wanted to see if I could get Him to walk on water so the next time I was near His table, I spilled a glass of it on the floor next to Him. I pretended that I cleaned it all up, but really I left some there just in case He got up to go take a pee, I could see if He floated over it. After what seemed like forty days and forty nights, He finally called me over to order. He asked for a shell steak, medium rare and I was totally surprised. For some reason I just thought that Jesus would be vegan or vegetarian or at least pescatarian, but he wanted steak. Mary ordered chicken breast which didn't surprise me at all because we all know how Mary Magdalene is and of course she wanted something with the word "breast" in it. Whore.

When their food was ready, I gave Jesus extra ketchup for his fries because I wanted to see if he would pour it all over his plate and then part it like the Red Sea, but he didn't even eat it at all. Man, Jesus, way to disappoint.

By this time, the restaurant was closed and I was ready for the two of them to be on their way, but they kept on yapping about who knows what. When He finally did get up to go the bathroom, I wasn't paying attention so I don't know if He floated over the water or not. I placed their check on the table and when He handed me His credit card His hand accidentally touched mine. I felt the warmth and power of His spirit flow into my body and right up my arm, through my chest, into my neck and directly to my face and lips where it culminated in a tingly sensation. The two of them left the restaurant and blessed everyone as they walked through.

I went to clear their table and see what kind of tip Jesus and Mary left me. They gave me a 15% tip which was fine but I expected a little more considering how many dollars I had dropped into the collection plate during my church years from the early to mid 80's. I picked up the credit card slip to see what Jesus' autograph looked like and it was then that I noticed the name on the card. The name was not Jesus. It was something like Robert or Michael. Hmmm, could this guy have been a Jesus impersonator? Maybe he really was just some dude with long scraggly hair, a beard and sandals. After all, I never saw this guy do any miracles and he never told me he was Jesus, I just assumed. I put the credit card voucher into my apron and carried on with my closing sidework. When I got home I looked into the mirror and I noticed something about my face. That morning, there was the very beginning of a cold sore making its debut on my lower lip, but now it was gone. Could it be that the touch from the Maybe-Jesus-Guy had cured my cold sore in much the same way he had cured those lepers? I think it's possible.

So yes, I will stand behind my claim (99.9%) that Jesus sat at booth 16 last night. The other .1% is reserved for the possibility that it was a guy from Williamsburg, Brooklyn named Robert or Michael who needed to get a damn haircut and the cold sore was cured by the Abreva in my pocket.

God Bless.



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17 comments:

Cat M said...

I love it! LOL

Tiger Chanter said...

"When their food was ready, I gave Jesus extra ketchup for his fries because I wanted to see if he would pour it all over his plate and then part it like He did with the Red Sea, but he didn't even eat it at all. Man, Jesus, way to disappoint."

Hon, sorry to burst your bubble, but that was Moses' bit...

Maria said...

Hilarious!!!

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Tiger, thanks for the info. I always get Moses' and Jesus' mircales mixed up.

J9 said...

There are days I think you have had one too many sips from your side stand margarita...

Practical Parsimony said...

Did he have on a robe? There is a guy who walks all over the state wearing a robe, long hair, and goes barefoot all winter. Weird. He is either crazy or people give him food and lodging, not sure.

pj said...

OMG! your Gay?

Cynthia said...

My favorite so far. Very cleverly composed. I love it and will recommend my friends read this!

Anonymous said...

If you are ever intrested in checking out a church there are some that openly accept LGTBs. I know of one around me that has a lesbian preacher.

Cat M said...

I don't think one has to be gay to be outraged that these places that preach about the bible are intolerant of God's people.

Anonymous said...

What? No Mercedes Benz??? Couldn't have been Jesus.

A Server Telling All said...

LOL!! I swear I served Bill Cosby, awesome sweater and everything. Killed me not to feature pudding!

Mannix said...

Ha! God bless Abreva!

Gallo said...

AMEN

Anonymous said...

I CRIED LAUGHING! HILARIOUS!! :D

Anonymous said...

Nice post.

On a somewhat side note, the church I grew up in actually says on their website that if you're gay they don't want you. Excuse me?! Adultery and greed are sins, too, and we let those a-holes in!

Pink Princess said...

LO(L. I just *found* your blog and so far LOVE it.

Greetings from the Netherlands (YES that's in Europe!)