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Saturday, November 5, 2011

An Open Letter to The Man at Table 201

Dear Man at Table #201,

I was so very impressed when I went to your table and saw a big fancy one-hundred dollar bill laying next to your check. My first thoughts were, "Wow, he must be really rich and powerful in order to have hundred dollar bills in his wallet. I am envious of someone like him, gee willikers." It must have been really cool to see you reach into your wallet and toss that money onto the table and then waltz out of the restaurant. Everyone sitting with and around you must have been pretty impressed. I mean, a hundred dollar bill?? Wow! But here's the deal. Your check totaled $117.32. You know what that means, right? Yeah, you walked out on your check, you big pile of stinky dog shit. So not only did you not leave me a tip, you think I will just cover that extra $17.32, is that it? You sir, are a gentleman and an asshole.

Just so you know, when it comes time for me to pay taxes, the government is going to assume that I got tipped 8% of your check, or in other words, $9.39. So I will be taxed and social securitied and FICA'd about $2.35. But here's the deal: you didn't tip me. I can't call up Uncle Sam and say, "Oh yeah, the asshole at table 201 didn't actually tip me so just disregard that bill, thanks." Nope. I will pay that $2.35 regardless. So not only did I not make any money from your table, I lost money by serving you. In some restaurants, I would be expected to tip the busser or food runner based on my sales. So if I had to tip them 2% of whatever I sold, I would be expected to give them $2.34 even though you didn't tip me jack shit. Are you starting to see how crappy it was of you to walk out on your check like you did?

In some places, the managers will make waiters pay for that loss out of their own pocket which really really sucks. That's when waiters have to get creative and start moving things around from one check to another just to cover that loss. Ethical, no. Necessary, yes. Lucky for me I was working at a place where my managers know that people like you exist and my manager voided off some items from your check so it would be under $100.00. That isn't always the case though.

Yes, I tried to find you. I ran out onto the street to see if I could spot your weasel ass slinking away but you had already crawled back into your hole and vanished. I just wanted to let you know that you really suck. You can't pull that shit in Macy's or at Target, but in a restaurant, I guess you can. I know now why you didn't want to leave a phone number or contact email with the host when you first checked in. We tell you that we like to get your info in case we find an iPhone or a scarf at your table, but really it's so that I can call your cheap, no-good, thieving ass and tell you that you need to drag your sorry skank self back up to the restaurant and finish paying your check. Good move for you, not leaving a phone number.

So thanks for sitting in my station. It was real pleasure to be reminded that scum like you are out there in the world. I hope you get a severe case of cold sore and pink eye coupled with some major chapped lips and a skin rash. I want your face to be as unattractive as your behavior. Fuck you.


The Bitchy Waiter

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Anonymous said...

For those of us who work in this industry, we are all giving you a collective OMG!!! I am a hostess, and it really breaks me a little everytime a server gets ripped off. You are right that most places now go after the server for a skipped on check. The person who stole the food and service is a criminal. The server should be calling the police, but it never seems to go that way. This is a very hard job,(serving). I always wonder why people go out to eat to make others miserable. Dining out is supposed to be a good, and happy thing. Sad to say that today it is a mostly thankless job with a small reward. I think the only thing that keeps us all going are the special few customers, who like servers, go above and beyond what is required. In short some customers are just good humans. If anyone cares about this I say PLEASE if you cant tip go to McDonalds drive thru!!!! Or better yet you slave over a hot stove and shlep your own food, and YOU do the clean up~!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I loathe what that cretinous bottomfeeder did to you!!! I thought we had it bad as waiters here in South Africa but at least we don't declare our income to uncle Sam...I thought one tips 15% there by you guys. I did when I was in the States, but mind you it was 1994. Are you guys really expected to work for an 8% tip? Disgraceful!!!
BW, you must really come visit my country one day. Getting good service here has become exceedingly more difficult in the last few years. When I used to be a waitress we had much better standards to uphold. The new generation of service staff think they're entitled to their jobs so you must see this ex-bitchy waitress throw HER toys in restaurants!!! Love your work. Pray do keep the posts coming.
Anel Olsson
Jo'burg SA

Chantel said...

Seriously? People like that should be shot with paint guns--everyone beware! Just remind yourself that a stingy stingy everywhere. With his time, his home, at work, and damn straight--in bed. And babe, you get what you give.


Anonymous said...

I had a 4 top of super-friendly guys skip out on a $200 tab once. Totally made my day... Thankfully my management understands these things happen, and voided the whole check...

Anton said...

I second the paintball gun idea. We should be able to tag assholes for easy visual identification. And some satisfaction that being tagged is going to leave a nice bruise. Aim for the buttcheeks!

People who stiff waiters like that are scum. It's needlessly cruel stuff like that that makes me despair about humanity.

foxpen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Practical Parsimony said...

I had a seriously overweight friend with a federal govt job and insurance. She had just confessed to me that her ordering fast food to be brought to their house everyday was the reason they lost their home. But, her husband did not know.

She was indignant when she related her lunch tale. She went to the same restaurant everyday, order two entrees and dessert and never tipped. After months of this, a waitress came to her table and told her she should be tipping.

My friend was so upset that she called the manager. She told him that she was a Christian and did not want him to fire the waitress, but then related what the waitress said, admitting the waitress was not angry, just stating her opinion.

I just had to object to the "I'm a Christian, and...". My friend will never understand the point I was trying to make on that point.

So, we discussed her eating habits--two entrees and dessert and how she was trying to lose weight. AND, her not tipping. The woman said she could not afford to tip, but should be allowed to spend her money as she pleased--two entrees and dessert. She felt she had no obligation to tip.

Oh, this 33-yr-old woman had a fertility problem that somehow was related to weight. She refused to lose weight even though she could not live without a baby.

Somehow, I managed to get scratched off her "friend" list. Wonder why? When she dies from morbid obesity, I want her attorney husband! Maybe an irate server will take her out, beather with the tray.

Oh, I think the manager she complained to will talk to the waitress just like he promised and congratulate her for speaking up.

fmcgmccllc said...

The dink-donks that wrote and passed this bill should be required to forever eat at fast food restaurants. How did they come up with the 8% and how did they think this was a fair amount? Did the 10 or 20 knuckleheads sitting on the committee admit they were bad tippers? None of them thought about the bartender that in many establishments takes to-go orders and gift certificates? Not one of them knows about tipping out and tip pools?

That said when TPTB passed this piece of garbage they should have mandated that you cannot leave an establishment without a stamped receipt, just as foolish and idea and just as fair.

Sorry for the rant, just tip in cash to make up for some of the stupid.

Anonymous said...

My all time favorite is the ass-whipes who go out to eat and when it's time to pay the check, they pull the old-fashioned "I left my wallet in the car, I will be right back to pay the check". They "go out to their car" and never come back, that happened to me twice. Both times I was lucky enough to have the manager comp the check. But now I know better. Next time they "forget their wallet" I am going to tell them they have to leave behind their coach bag or their iPhone while they "go out to their car".
Vanessa V.

Mary A. said...

How passive aggressive is this? "Oh sorry - i thought I left a $150 bill on the table."

Yeah. That;s it.

A Server Telling All said...

There is a special place in hell for people who skip out on checks. That comment about the "christian" that doesn't tip? Wow. It sounds as if she is already getting hers in this life.