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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Cucumber: the Other White Meat

There is a new trend sweeping the country that is going to affect servers everywhere. It is truly horrible. In a never-ending attempt to stay cool, hip, forward and chic, restaurants have started to do something that will make people feel like they are eating at some fancy ass restaurant or spa instead of their local Applebee's or Chili's. We have all dealt with the limes in the Coronas and the lemons in the Diet Cokes and now it seems it is becoming popular to put cucumbers into glasses of water. Dear Lord in Margaritaville and all things holy, please say this isn't happening.

I have had cucumber water and you know what? It tastes like fucking cucumber water. It was given to me once when I went to get a massage. You know the routine. The spa attendant hands you your robe and points you in the direction of where to go slip it on along with some paper flip-flops and she says, "Would you like anything to drink, sir?" I answered water and the next thing I knew there was a big glass of chilled water in my hand and it had a goddamn fucking cucumber floating in it. First off, a spa should have been offering me some wine, but that's a different matter. I drank the cucumber water, but for me it had entirely too much of a vegetable-serving taste for me to thoroughly enjoy it.

Why don't I want this disturbing trend to continue? Allow me to explain. Servers already have enough to do before the restaurant opens and I do not want "slicing cucumbers" to be one more thing on the ever-growing list of opening sidework. Isn't enough that people want lemon in their water and cherries in their Cokes and olives in their martinis? Let's leave the cucumber out of it. Besides, I am vehemently opposed to all things vegetable and I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to put one in their H20. It was probably some fancy snooty bitch who first tried it.

Lady: Excuse me, waiter, but do you have any cucumber sandwiches? I missed my afternoon tea time and I am simply dying for one.

Waiter: No, ma'am. We don't have any cucumber sandwiches.

Lady: And please cut off the crusts first. I cannot stand crusts on my cucumber sandwiches.

Waiter: Yeah, we don't have any cucumber sandwiches.

Lady: And place it on a lace doily, please. Don't you agree that everything tastes better when it is served on a lace doily?

Waiter: Um, yeah. I'd put your cucumber sandwich on a doily if we had cucumbers sandwiches and doilies, but we don't. Would you like to try our our Buffalo Wing Quesadilla Pizza Potato Pie instead?

Lady: Just the cucumber sandwich on the doily, thanks.

The waiter heads to the kitchen and is all, "This crazy lady thinks I'm gonna make her a fucking cucumber sandwich. Hey, Salad Guy, hand me a cucumber slice, will ya? I'll show her what I think about her fucking cucumber sandwich." He takes it to the bar and pours a glass of water and then drops the cucumber into it. He goes to the snooty lady. He puts on his biggest shit-eating grin and places the glass onto the table.

Waiter: My most sincere apologies but at this time our chef is unable to prepare your cucumber sandwich and I just used my last doily when I served an English Tea biscuit to the Queen of England sitting at booth #4. However, I took the liberty of placing a fresh slice of cucumber into a glass of our finest purified water. I hope you enjoy it.

Lady: (takes a sip) This is delicious! This is my favorite beverage of all time; it's so light and refreshing! I'm going to have this from now on at every restaurant I ever eat in and I am also going to encourage every lady I know to do the same thing. Thank you, waiter. Will you please get cucumber slices for everyone else in my party right away??

The waiter mentally stabs himself in his heart because he knows he has just created a cucumber monster who will carry on this ridiculous notion to other waiters across the land.

If someone asks you for cucumber water, JUST SAY NO.

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Anonymous said...

I'll have the Salmon please...

Adam said...

It's not as bad with a little fresh squeezed lemon in it.

If you have no lemon, citron vodka will do in a pinch.

Andrea said...

Ummmm yeah. I like my water with good 'ol fashioned ice cubes, hahaha. Cucumber doesn't even sound good.....weird fucking people

theblonde said...

We have a massively fat guy who comes in and orders a cucumber water with his orders of chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, and fried chicken.
So we did some research.. cucumber water has no benefits unless you prepare it ahead of time and let it 'steep,' so to speak, for a few days or something like that. Doesn't do shit if you just slap a cucumber in a glass of water.
So... they're even more idiots than we were originally led to believe.

Anonymous said...

I like cucumber water, but not enough to ask for it if it's not offered. I first encountered it at Indian restaurants probably 20 years ago. I can understand why servers don't want the additional work of slicing cukes though! (and if it gets too popular, I'll start to wonder exactly how old those cucumber slices are, and how many times they've been around the block.....)

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm.....sounds like its time for a (insert your favorite bacteria) scare ;-)

Anonymous said...

I've been told its good to drink before a night of drinking...either way I'm not handing it out where I work. Your lucky to get a lemon!

mincemeet said...

I find cucumber water to be kind of gross. In fact there is a restaurant in the town I live in where cucumber water is the only water offered. I don't drink soda, so while I really like this place's food, I avoid going there half the time just because of the damn water.

the well being said...

10 years ago it was a coriander garnish on everything *shudder*.

Krissy said...

Those crazies

Some Sort of Fairy said...

I've never heard of this phenomenon in my life. But then again I live in Ohio and eat at Chipotle 50% of the time. Maybe the trend, like most trends from the costs, will take a while to reach us? Thanks for letting me know, though, so that the first time a server offers me cucumber in my water I can say, "No thanks," instead of, "Huh?"

Anonymous said...

This is insane! I do not understand why anyone would want a cucumber in their water! I also do not understand ruining a perfectly good diet coke with a lemon but maybe I am the one out of style. I had a table not to long ago that asked for a lime in their sweet tea. FML. I really hope that this does nto catch on. Pray for all of us if it does!