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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy (Dead) Turkey Day

Today is the day that so many Americans look forward to. It is also the day that so many turkeys say goodbye to life on the farm and end up on a platter next to some Stove Top stuffing, English Pea Salad and cranberry sauce out of a can. It's Thanksgiving, y'all so unbutton the top of your pants and get ready to give thanks by eating way too much fucking food. This year I am not working which is a Christmas miracle four weeks early. Usually I am serving in the home of someone who is willing to pay me $75 an hour to warm up the dinner they ordered from Whole Foods, but not this year. I said "no thanks " just as quickly as I do when someone offers me a virgin pina colada, a verbal tip or a serving of vegetables.

I did get an offer to work a Thanksgiving dinner this year in the home of none other than Joan Rivers. Joan and I go way back; we shared an elevator in 1995. I thought about taking the gig for a quick second sensing it could be a great blog post with some even better pictures, but then saw that it required a full tuxedo and deleted that shit from my email. I don't do full tuxedo jobs anymore. Besides, what if I showed up and I had to talk to Melissa Rivers? I wouldn't have been able to handle the banality of it all and my face may have exploded and then upon seeing my eyelids plastered on her wall, Joan would then peel them off, stick them in a Ziplock baggie and call her plastic surgeon for an emergency eye lift. Awkward and not my idea of a good Thanksgiving. Instead, I got up to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was in the parade a few years ago, so I have a special place in my heart for it. It was one of the finest moments in my acting career, walking down Broadway in a trash can costume for the New York City Department of Sanitation. That's me in the green can:

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. Enjoy your day and carry on your traditions. And this will be the third year that I offer my very own Bitchy Waiter tradition of this video of Paula Deen trying to catch a ham with her mouth and failing. I think the reason she was unable to snatch that ham with her teeths is because she had on too much of her butter flavored lip balm and it slipped right out her grasp. Oh, Paula. I still love you. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


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California Girl said...

Oh Bitchy, Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope you're enjoying a nice meal with people you love.

Practical Parsimony said...

If I had worked every Thanksgiving, I would glad to have one off. Maybe next year, you will be up to it. Maybe you can just take off all Thanksgivings from now on.