I did get an offer to work a Thanksgiving dinner this year in the home of none other than Joan Rivers. Joan and I go way back; we shared an elevator in 1995. I thought about taking the gig for a quick second sensing it could be a great blog post with some even better pictures, but then saw that it required a full tuxedo and deleted that shit from my email. I don't do full tuxedo jobs anymore. Besides, what if I showed up and I had to talk to Melissa Rivers? I wouldn't have been able to handle the banality of it all and my face may have exploded and then upon seeing my eyelids plastered on her wall, Joan would then peel them off, stick them in a Ziplock baggie and call her plastic surgeon for an emergency eye lift. Awkward and not my idea of a good Thanksgiving. Instead, I got up to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was in the parade a few years ago, so I have a special place in my heart for it. It was one of the finest moments in my acting career, walking down Broadway in a trash can costume for the New York City Department of Sanitation. That's me in the green can:
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. Enjoy your day and carry on your traditions. And this will be the third year that I offer my very own Bitchy Waiter tradition of this video of Paula Deen trying to catch a ham with her mouth and failing. I think the reason she was unable to snatch that ham with her teeths is because she had on too much of her butter flavored lip balm and it slipped right out her grasp. Oh, Paula. I still love you. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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