Paula Deen and Liza Minnelli: Together at Last

It's no secret that I have a feeling deep down in my buttered loins for one Ms. Paula Deen. The proof is in the Crisco pudding right here, y'all. I also have been know to wax poetic about Liza Minnelli as is evidenced right here, darlings. So imagine my surprise and delight when Liza decided to pay a visit to Paula's house. Could it be that I would get to see both of these mesmerizing train wrecks at the same time? What could these two women possibly have in common? A lot as it turns out. They each lost their mother when they were in their early 20's. They both like to eat German Chocolate cake with their hands. And they both have been known to sing to chickens. Yes, sing to chickens.

I caught this hot mess on the Food Network and when I went to You Tube to find some clips of it to share with others, there were none. I have remedied that problem because the world needs to see what happens when these two esteemed ladies share a kitchen together. It was a mutual admiration society up in there and by the time it was over I am pretty sure that they buttered a roll and sprinkled it with sequins and then Liza drop kicked it into Paula's mouth. They didn't show that on television, but I just know that it happened. I hope you can spare two minutes out of your extraordinarily busy lives (please, you're reading the Bitchy Waiter...how busy can you be?) and watch this video. And when you are finished watching it, share it. After sharing it, immediately go rinse your eyes in the nearest emergency eye washing station because your corneas are going to be more fried than Liza's vocal chords.





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Happy (Dead) Turkey Day

Today is the day that so many Americans look forward to. It is also the day that so many turkeys say goodbye to life on the farm and end up on a platter next to some Stove Top stuffing, English Pea Salad and cranberry sauce out of a can. It's Thanksgiving, y'all so unbutton the top of your pants and get ready to give thanks by eating way too much fucking food. This year I am not working which is a Christmas miracle four weeks early. Usually I am serving in the home of someone who is willing to pay me $75 an hour to warm up the dinner they ordered from Whole Foods, but not this year. I said "no thanks " just as quickly as I do when someone offers me a virgin pina colada, a verbal tip or a serving of vegetables.

I did get an offer to work a Thanksgiving dinner this year in the home of none other than Joan Rivers. Joan and I go way back; we shared an elevator in 1995. I thought about taking the gig for a quick second sensing it could be a great blog post with some even better pictures, but then saw that it required a full tuxedo and deleted that shit from my email. I don't do full tuxedo jobs anymore. Besides, what if I showed up and I had to talk to Melissa Rivers? I wouldn't have been able to handle the banality of it all and my face may have exploded and then upon seeing my eyelids plastered on her wall, Joan would then peel them off, stick them in a Ziplock baggie and call her plastic surgeon for an emergency eye lift. Awkward and not my idea of a good Thanksgiving. Instead, I got up to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was in the parade a few years ago, so I have a special place in my heart for it. It was one of the finest moments in my acting career, walking down Broadway in a trash can costume for the New York City Department of Sanitation. That's me in the green can:



Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. Enjoy your day and carry on your traditions. And this will be the third year that I offer my very own Bitchy Waiter tradition of this video of Paula Deen trying to catch a ham with her mouth and failing. I think the reason she was unable to snatch that ham with her teeths is because she had on too much of her butter flavored lip balm and it slipped right out her grasp. Oh, Paula. I still love you. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!






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Paula Deen Clogs My Arteries With Love

There are a lot of new readers on this blog who need to know about my love/hate relationship with the one and only Paula Deen and this video pretty much sums it up. Someday I hope to wait on her and see for my very own eyes the majestic wonder that she calls her mouth. I dream of serving her a fried Velveeta and bacon sandwich dipped in lard and sprinkled with powdered sugar. And then she takes a bite and says, 'Y'all, this is so good. Bitchy Waiter, do you won't a bite?" She tears a piece of sandwich (with her teeth) and feeds it to me. She then gives me a hug and she tries to taste my hair because she thinks it looks like curly fries.

I ♥ Paula Deen from The Bitchy Waiter on Vimeo.

Tweet this if you love fried butter sandwiches drizzled in Velveeta.


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Paula Deen Clogs My Arteries With Love

Just because I think the world needs to know about this video, I am posting it again. True, it was already posted but my love for all things Paula runs almost (but not quite) as deep as my love for The Brady Bunch, The Facts of Life and margaritas.

I ♥ Paula Deen from The Bitchy Waiter on Vimeo.

I hope you will share it with anyone who has ever enjoyed eating a stick of butter sprinkled with sugar.

Click here to Tweet this across the world!

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I ♥ Paula Deen

So I had some spare time and decided to make a video of Paula Deen doing what she does best. I hope you like it and share it.




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Food, Glorious Food

Two things have caught my eye in the last twelve hours and both of them involve Americans eating ridiculous amounts of food. Have we gotten to a time in our world where the only thing we can do is try to find the unhealthiest thing we can think of to eat and then fry it and make it even more unhealthy? First I saw this video of Paula Deen eating a fucking lasagna sandwich. You must see this:




That women puts more meat in her mouth at one time than a porn star at a gang bang. Seriously, a lasagna sandwich? It makes me want to make one, freeze it, grab a Sharpie, scribble "HAM" on it and throw it up against the side of her head. What is wrong with that woman?

And then I saw a link about a certain food item you could get at McDonald's but only at a very specific time. It's called McDonald's Mc10:35 and it's an Egg McMuffin wrapped in a double cheeseburger. It can only be ordered at the precise moment that breakfast is segueing into lunch and they have both items. Oh my God. What the fuck is wrong with people that they need to eat that kind of shit at any time of day, much less in the morning? They may as well add a hash brown to it, stuff it in an apple pie and then deep fry that bitch up. (Come to think about it, they should do that. I would totally try it. But maybe that's what that crack whore was wanting so bad when she smashed in the drive through window at McDonald's last month. It would explain a lot).

The point is that people need to chill the hell out with the excessive eating. What is with the championship eating contests where men see who can eat the most hot dogs in one sitting? Give it up, gentleman and let Paula Deen have that crown. Eat a salad. Or those food challenges where if you can eat the six pound hamburger, you get it for free? How about just eat a burger that has 8 ounces instead of 22 and you actually pay for it? I had some people in my station the other day who ordered the mixed nuts because they were "starving." When they left, half of that bowl of nuts was on the ground because they missed their mouths most of the time. I don't think they were really starving. Starving people don't leave food on the ground uneaten. I had to pull out the vacuum cleaner to clean up after them. We affectionately call it the Paula Deen. It really sucks.


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I Heart Marcia Brady

I had to re-post this one because it combined two of my favorite things of all time: the Brady Bunch and Paula Deen getting hit in the face.

Oh, My Nose

Y'all, I only have one more Thanksgiving post and then I promise I am finished. Thanksgiving was four days ago and by now we are all sick of turkey sandwiches, turkey pot pie, turkey and eggs, turkey soup and any other way you tried to eat that tired leftover fucking bird. But I think I found a new Thanksgiving tradition that I shall look forward to each and every year. From the cornucopia of traditions we find marshmallows on sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce slices that came out of a can, but I proudly suggest this new rite that we shall do the fourth Thursday of November from now on: throw a big fucking ham into Paula Deen's face. You have probably already seen the video and loved it like I have. You are probably also wondering what the hell this has to do with the Bitchy waiter. Well, honestly, not much. Other than there was food involved. And they were serving it. I guess, Paula was at a food shelter dolling out about a million pounds of meat that she was donating. They were having some kind of ham tossing party when one rogue (Sarah Palin) ham went AWOL up against Paula Deen's nose. Luckily for Paula, her face was covered in butter and grease from the Lard and Sausage biscuits she had inhaled for breakfast and the ham gently slid right off of her face. I'm surprised she didn't just catch that ham in her mouth and eat it like my dog does when I throw him a piece of Boar's Head. Thankfully, Paula was not seriously injured. She put a raw steak on her nose to maintain the swelling but she accidentally ate the steak and then whipped up a batch of peanut butter, butter and bacon bars. She laughed the incident off as pigs across America high-fived one another. The rogue (Sarah Palin) ham has not been seen since the encounter and it is assumed that it went into hiding and is shopping around a book deal.

My Brady Bunch obsession peeks out yet again as the whole pig in the face is completely reminiscent of the time Marcia Brady was hit in the nose with a football (also known as a "pigskin"). Marcia and Paula should totally get together and discuss what it feels like to have the shit knocked out of them by a piece of meat. Thanksgiving is officially over for me.

click here to see Paula Deen get hit in the face

click here to see Marcia Brady get hit in the face

Oh, My Nose!

Y'all, I only have one more Thanksgiving post and then I promise I am finished. Thanksgiving was four days ago and by now we are all sick of turkey sandwiches, turkey pot pie, turkey and eggs, turkey soup and any other way you tried to eat that tired leftover fucking bird. But I think I found a new Thanksgiving tradition that I shall look forward to each and every year. From the cornucopia of traditions we find marshmallows on sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce slices that came out of a can, but I proudly suggest this new rite that we shall do the fourth Thursday of November from now on: throw a big fucking ham into Paula Deen's face. You have probably already seen the video and loved it like I have. You are probably also wondering what the hell this has to do with the Bitchy waiter. Well, honestly, not much. Other than there was food involved. And they were serving it. I guess, Paula was at a food shelter dolling out about a million pounds of meat that she was donating. They were having some kind of ham tossing party when one rogue (Sarah Palin) ham went AWOL up against Paula Deen's nose. Luckily for Paula, her face was covered in butter and grease from the Lard and Sausage biscuits she had inhaled for breakfast and the ham gently slid right off of her face. I'm surprised she didn't just catch that ham in her mouth and eat it like my dog does when I throw him a piece of Boar's Head. Thankfully, Paula was not seriously injured. She put a raw steak on her nose to maintain the swelling but she accidentally ate the steak and then whipped up a batch of peanut butter, butter and bacon bars. She laughed the incident off as pigs across America high-fived one another. The rogue (Sarah Palin) ham has not been seen since the encounter and it is assumed that it went into hiding and is shopping around a book deal.

My Brady Bunch obsession peeks out yet again as the whole pig in the face is completely reminiscent of the time Marcia Brady was hit in the nose with a football (also known as a "pigskin"). Marcia and Paula should totally get together and discuss what it feels like to have the shit knocked out of them by a piece of meat. Thanksgiving is officially over for me.

click here to see Paula Deen get hit in the face

click here to see Marcia Brady get hit in the face