Paula Deen and Liza Minnelli: Together at Last

It's no secret that I have a feeling deep down in my buttered loins for one Ms. Paula Deen. The proof is in the Crisco pudding right here, y'all. I also have been know to wax poetic about Liza Minnelli as is evidenced right here, darlings. So imagine my surprise and delight when Liza decided to pay a visit to Paula's house. Could it be that I would get to see both of these mesmerizing train wrecks at the same time? What could these two women possibly have in common? A lot as it turns out. They each lost their mother when they were in their early 20's. They both like to eat German Chocolate cake with their hands. And they both have been known to sing to chickens. Yes, sing to chickens.

I caught this hot mess on the Food Network and when I went to You Tube to find some clips of it to share with others, there were none. I have remedied that problem because the world needs to see what happens when these two esteemed ladies share a kitchen together. It was a mutual admiration society up in there and by the time it was over I am pretty sure that they buttered a roll and sprinkled it with sequins and then Liza drop kicked it into Paula's mouth. They didn't show that on television, but I just know that it happened. I hope you can spare two minutes out of your extraordinarily busy lives (please, you're reading the Bitchy Waiter...how busy can you be?) and watch this video. And when you are finished watching it, share it. After sharing it, immediately go rinse your eyes in the nearest emergency eye washing station because your corneas are going to be more fried than Liza's vocal chords.





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Dear Lady at Table 32,

Here is a brief list of all things I wanted to say to Table 32 a few days ago:

• Do you really need to be reseated that many times in order to find the perfect seat?
• It's tacky to tip the host and then still complain about where you're sat.
  
• The drink has Blue Curacao in it, so yes it is actually going to be blue.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey asked me to tell you to give them their accent back.
• That blouse looks like it came from the $5 and under bin at Chico's.
• Black is not slimming.
• You have on way too many sequins. The only person wearing that many sequins should be on an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" or be named Liza Minnelli.
  
• You don't need to call me over to hand me an empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
• I see that your reservation was for two but you are alone now. You don't have to tell me that you decided to take yourself out tonight. It's obvious that your husband bailed on you and is at home relishing the two hours of solitude and trying to recall what it's like to not have his ears bleed from the sound of your voice.
  
• Your hair is scaring me. And scarring me. For life. Frosted is not pretty.
  
• You don't need to call me over to hand me another empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
• Do you really need more napkins or are you just trying to think of something to ask for every time I walk by you?
• Seriously bitch, stop calling me over to take empty shit from your fucking table.
• Using the phrase "it's a delight" does not make you sophisticated. It makes me think you heard it on that episode of "The Three Stooges" when they were plumbers at that fancy party and that one snobby rich lady said it.
• Using the phrase "it's a delight" more than six or seven times makes me think you are supremely dumb and a trifle desperate.
• Yes, I can get you an order of hummus and chips.
• Yes, I can get you more chips.
  
• I see you waving me down again. Let me guess. Your plate is empty and you want me to take it. Stop it.
• The people next to you are sick of hearing you talk. They don't know you and don't want to be your friend.
• Yes, I will get your check for you. You don't have to ask me for that. It's on my list of things to give to you along with a dirty look and a fist up your puss.
• Yes, we take American Express. Your American Express card does not impress me. It's a green one.
  
• You looked stupid when you took a picture of the performer after her show and told her she was "a delight." Enough with that phrase already.
• I hate you. You annoy me. Don't come back.

Things I actually said to Table 32 a few days ago:

• Can I take your order?
• Yes, ma'am.
• Good bye.
  

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Liza Minnelli sings Beyonce's Single Ladies

So this has absolutely nothing to do with waiting tables, but I wanted to post it anyway because it just needs to be out in the world. My dear friend (not really) Liza has recorded a song for the Sex and the City movie and you have to hear it to believe it. And I spent too much time making this video rather than writing yesterday, so this is what gets posted.