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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Dear Lady at Table 32,







Here is a brief list of all things I wanted to say to Table 32 a few days ago:


  • Do you really need to be reseated that many times in order to find the perfect seat?
  • It's tacky to tip the host and then still complain about where you're sat.
  • The drink has Blue Curacao in it, so yes it is actually going to be blue.
  • The Real Housewives of New Jersey asked me to tell you to give them their accent back.
  • That blouse looks like it came from the $5 and under bin at Chico's.
  • Black is not slimming.
  • You have on way too many sequins. The only person wearing that many sequins should be on an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" or be named Liza Minnelli.
  • You don't need to call me over to hand me an empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
  • I see that your reservation was for two but you are alone now. You don't have to tell me that you decided to take yourself out tonight. It's obvious that your husband bailed on you and is at home relishing the two hours of solitude and trying to recall what it's like to not have his ears bleed from the sound of your voice.
  • Your hair is scaring me. And scarring me. For life. Frosted is not pretty.
  • You don't need to call me over to hand me another empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
  • Do you really need more napkins or are you just trying to think of something to ask for every time I walk by you?
  • Seriously bitch, stop calling me over to take empty shit from your fucking table.
  • Using the phrase "it's a delight" does not make you sophisticated. It makes me think you heard it on that episode of "The Three Stooges" when they were plumbers at that fancy party and that one snobby rich lady said it.
  • Using the phrase "it's a delight" more than six or seven times makes me think you are supremely dumb and a trifle desperate.
  • Yes, I can get you an order of hummus and chips.
  • Yes, I can get you more chips.
  • I see you waving me down again. Let me guess. Your plate is empty and you want me to take it. Stop it.
  • The people next to you are sick of hearing you talk. They don't know you and don't want to be your friend.
  • Yes, I will get your check for you. You don't have to ask me for that. It's on my list of things to give to you along with a dirty look and a fist up your puss.
  • Yes, we take American Express. Your American Express card does not impress me. It's a green one.
  • You looked stupid when you took a picture of the performer after her show and told her she was "a delight." Enough with that phrase already.
  • I hate you. You annoy me. Don't come back.
Things I actually said to Table 32 a few days ago:

  • Can I take your order?
  • Yes, ma'am.
  • Good bye.

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51 comments:

She Who Sasses said...

If I see even ONE person in sequins I'll give her the Visual Warning...just for you. :-)

Derby Wallus said...

Don't you just hate it when you're censored because of where you work? >.<

Was this lady rather large? Or was the black shirt really puffy?

dirtydisher said...

LMAO! Don't you hate it when they say "can you take this?" and then they take one more swig and chew the ice before they hand it to you..and your arms are full anyway.

simoncolumb said...

its all image ... and no depth and anyone who has a single braincell knows it. What an idiot she is.

Simon
www.screeninsight.com

Google Support said...

i think she is brave more than a lady





http://youngscorners.blogspot.com/

Hero An Lae said...

I love your blog. It's great :)
especially the 'black is not slimming' - you're very witty.

Melanie said...

As a former waitress ("former" being my favorite part of this sentence), I love your blog. Had I thought to vent this way, I would have left my job with much less stress wrinkles. :)

P.S. I know The Three Stooges episode to which you are referring...never acceptable.

www.lostinsingledom.blogspot.com

Samantha said...

I have been following your blog for a while and just find you absolutely funny. I worked in retail for 2 years and was a cocktail waitress for 1 year. Everyday in retail I wanted to sucker punch at least 10 customers...I wanted to tie the others up to a mannequin and let them tell me how to do my job one more time. I loathed being a cocktail waitress, but it brought in some sweet cash. It also brought in some gropey pervs.

Donda said...

What an awesome display of tact. I would not do well in the service industry...$h!t just falls out of my mouth!!

Levonne said...

You need to develop a stand up comic routine. You are funny! Thanks for being you!

Liz said...

Your blog takes me back to to days of waiting tables in high school. I'm assuming the restaurant you work at is a little more upscale than the small town seafood restaurant I worked at, but it doesn't mean your clientèle is any better. People may assume that this is job is cake, but putting up with the douchebags day after day isn't easy. This post is hilarious, and I'm glad that you chose to share your venting with us.

Victoria Lind said...

I'm sorry for my mother in law.

Chrissy said...

OMFG!, dude u r a SAINT!...I would of given that table to someone else...Paid someone else to handle that biatch... What abuse! bet she didn't tip ya..

Neil said...

Every obnoxious customer who has ever under tipped or treated the servers badly should be made to come here for a look - no, on second thought that would be REWARDING their bad behavior! Great Blog!

Queen of the Rant said...

No worries, Chrissy helped me out, everyone is so friendly and helpful, thanks for stopping by my blog!

Steve said...

I have to say, being a waiter myself, that there are so many things that I'd like to say to tables that I never can. And I don't even work at a high class establishment (I don't know if that makes my customers worse or not). Gotta love another server out there blogging about the perils of restaurant work.

Anonymous said...

lol i love the real housewives of new jersey one :P

Claire said...

I hate how everyone who has an American Express card feels the need to show it to you and say, "Oh, do you take American Express?" The only reason some places don't take American Express is because they charge extortionate amounts to process the transaction. It does not impress me.

Up Against the Vicious said...

This is tres amazing! Next time, I would suggest to actually say what you wanted to say! It would make one hell of a shift ;)

Mashlip said...

"Seriously bitch, stop calling me over to take empty shit from your fucking table."
You really crack me up, you're quite a delight.

OO said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
T3H GREAT RANTSES said...

lol nice

Karen said...

Oh your blog "is just a delight!" :P

izzy said...

honestly...i think everyone should should be a waiter or waitress at least once in their lives!! no one understands what they go through unless you've been there((:

About her: said...

"You have on way too many sequins. The only person wearing that many sequins should be on an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" or be named Liza Minnelli."

haha, this is AMAZING!!!

Simply Grace said...

what is it with empty fucking plates and glasses?? it was all good 2 sec ago when you were shoveling those fries in your fat fuck of a mouth or slurping down those margaritas you cow...but the very second its all gone....it becomes the most disgusting thing ever! Fuckers.
I adore u. U make me laugh twice a day. once when I read it the first time and second when I read it again. :-)

Jay said...

you are fuckin hysterical. thank you. if i ever waited tables, i would definitely have the same thoughts as you.

BROKEN FASHIONISTA said...

HAHAHA OMG HILARIOUS!!

Caramel said...

She's lucky your being good to her!

muffin said...

I cannot stop laughing! "...scaring me and scarring me..."

I will have to use that one!

Melanie said...

I was going to apologize for my mother-in-law, but someone beat me to it!

"scaring me. And scarring me."

I will have to quote you on that!!
Love it :)

asherwrites said...

Haha, this blog post is a delight!

muffin said...

Melanie, I think everyone has one of these people in their family. Mine is my now elderly, widowed aunt, who also used to drive down the road with her left blinker light on. I know. I have been behind her, and this was before cell phones.

The really bad news is she's still driving.

Also, she bears a striking resemblance to the lady in the photo, and "delightful" is in her vocabulary.;)

OO said...

I think this describes every night that i work perfectly (i wait on the residents at a retirement home). They're old and hate life, and they take it out on us waiters by constantly bitching

PracticalTreehugger said...

This blog rocks. I used to manage an IHOP. Customer Service!!!! ugggghhhhhh!!!!!

Anonymous said...

www.pakhaxors.com

Joanna said...

hahaha she really didn't know that BLUE curacao IS blue? What a dumb-ass...

Jennifer Scavone said...

http://jenniferscavone.blogspot.com/

Ally said...

AH! Love it!

I'm not a fan of working in hospitality, I have little self control and often tell people where they can shove their wrong orders.

http://veritableally.blogspot.com/
x

crystal said...

Ahh, how I wish I would have thought of blogging when I was still serving tables!!! That would have made it a hell of a lot easier to keep all these thoughts in my head rather than leaking out while walking away from tables like this!! :)

Brenda Susan said...

So lol right now!! Oh to be able to say exactly what we are thinking!!
Could be "delightfully" dangerous though! Ha!

Mannix said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! This was priceless!

EvaJane Ryder said...

My week is now looking better thanks to your blog, I will now have something to look forward to when I log in to the helm at a stroll after nine.. beats dealing with the usual suspect at work. thanks you are hilarious ;)


www.talktoughspeakeasy.blogspot.com

Holisticrocs said...

I love the thoughts and phrases that run barefoot through our heads, but decide for our own sake not to pass beyond our tongues....
Our minds are so witty and entertaining whilst our silence saves us from blackeyes

reckless-case said...

This is really funny!! Oh the way people are!! I seriously could not do this sort of job, just because i'd probably end up freaking out on a customer, especially if he can't find a "comfy seat". OMG thats must have been annoying!! Cheers for being blessed with patience ;)


-Andy B.
reckless-insanity.blogspot.com

lauragreenland said...

This is fantastic. I'm studying a Hospitality Management degree at university in England (Don't ask me why :P)

I can relate to your posts so well as I also live in a restaurant owned by my parents.

I'm hoping to become a wedding planner so no doubt I'll be up against some similar characters!

Fantastic read =)


http://lauragreenland.blogspot.com

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Anonymous said...

I work in a restaurant and I just found your blog...love it! what's funny is that this happens almost every night to someone where I work. never gets less annoying tho.

A newbie said...

Wow, I remember those days too! I worked for a tex-mex restaurant called Tortuga's and dam I hated that job! I worked there 3 months and quit! My last straw was some snotty bitch talkin shit about something (I don't remember what about) I just remember wanting to dump the hot plate of food I was holdin on her dam head! I chunked that plate of food (and you heard it too) on her table and walked away. I was suprised she didn't report me but she didn't say a thing to me after that either! I did go back to offer refills but I had no conversation. Needless to say they didn't leave me a tip and I didn't give a shit either!

g|o said...

Dear god how can you stand working in restraunts like this??? I mean it's funny every now and then what happens or what your desprately wanting to do/say but it seems that your life is crap when your at work to where it seems silly that your still working there.

Laraine Anne Valles said...

Ok, so that was "a delight"! :-P
Great great article!!!

I really admire your self-control.
LOL!