Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Please Drink Responsibly. But Only if You Really Want To

No one is a bigger fan of enjoying a cocktail than I am. There is absolutely nothing wrong with catching a good buzz and using alcohol as a social lubricant. Why just last night I had two Mojitos. And a couple of days before that I had two mimosas, two margaritas, a berry cosmo and a pomegranate martini. Of course I spread that out over a good amount of time so as not to become Punch Drunk Judy. However, Punch Drunk Judy did make an appearance in my station recently and she was a lovely lovely woman. A lovely wino of a woman I shall call Judy McDrunkity Drunk.

At the club, everyone must have their two drink minimum throughout the course of the hour and ten minute show. For some teetotalers it takes quite a bit of effort to suck down two gimlets every 35 minutes. But not for Judy McDrunkity Drunk. She sat down and ordered a glass of wine. She was very sweet. I brought her first glass of Pinot Grigio and went on my merry way to get the rest of the drink orders before the show started. A few minutes later she gave me that arched eyebrow look that said she wanted my attention. I went to her table and she cocked her head with a smile and lightly tapped the rim of her empty wine glass. She was ready for round two before the show had even started. I love when that happens. I took her drink to her and since I could hardly reach her table because of the crowd, she stood up and reached forward for it and took it from me. She was being helpful. When she ordered a third glass of wine and stood up to take it from me, this time it didn't seem as helpful as it seemed desperate for the sweet nectar of the grape. A while later, I got the arched eyebrow look again, but this time it wasn't so much that her eyebrows were arched but more like her eyeballs were sagging. I took glass number four and thought surely she must be done now because the show is almost over. Nope. This time her husband ordered it for her. I assumed she longer had the ability to allow her appendages to function. I was proven wrong when I brought her glass number five and she popped right up and reached over the table to wrap her bony thirsty fingers around the stem of the glass.

The show ended a few minutes after that and I passed out checks. I thought for certain that checks weren't the only thing that was going to be passed out that night, but Judy was happy as a clam. Seemed totally fine and loved the show. Of course, she loved the show. After an entire bottle of wine even The Blindside (starring Oscar® winner Sandra Bullock) is enjoyable. The check was paid and I was at the computer closing out my cash when I saw her walking towards me on her way out.

"Good night," I said. "Thanks for coming. I hope you enjoyed the show."

Judy focused her glassy eyes on me and came right up to my face and proclaimed, "I loved it! And thank you so much." She pressed her lips to my cheek, kissed the hell out of it and walked out of the club with her husband. I was left with a really great tip and a really wet face from the lips of a wino named Judy McDrunkity Drunk.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter blog.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.


Share/Bookmark

37 comments:

Boonsong said...

You are one totally cool raconteur. Keep 'em comin'! - the drinks and the stories that is.

Have a nice day
Boonsong

Luke Cloherty said...

Judy sounds great! Very funny post.

SmellyCat said...

Well it was clearly well worth the tips! I hope Judy comes back!

Cat

Taylor Hamilton said...

Sounds like an interesting customer. Great story!

Chrissy said...

Oh what u waiters/waitresses have to put up w/! lol....At least she was a happy drunk... Hey blog about a mean nasty one ok? that should have us rolling!.lol

Jerry said...

Your stories make my day. It's nice to see that I'm not the only server that crazy things happen to...
Keep up the great work!

William Alderman said...

You are friggin' hilarious. I love your blog.

Niron Khan said...

Very well written and pretty funny. I love actually finding another writer who has a satiric side, instead of the crude junk that passes off as humour nowadays...

BROKEN FASHIONISTA said...

OMG!! I BET THAT KISS WAS GROSS! BUT I LOVE READING YOUR BLOGS THEY ARE HILARIOUS. FOLLOW ME.

Raymond Sandoval said...

I'd love to visit your bar someday. Your blog's on my Top 5 list.

Derby Wallus said...

Was that kiss your tip? Or did she give you a real one too?

The Simms said...

Loved it! Reminds me of my bartending days. Keep em coming!

Kaydes said...

LOL That is totally fricken hilarious!!! Enjoyable to read!!

matt said...

This is really funny! I think our humor styles are fairly similar. My blog is http://cabbagestories.blogspot.com

Viktory said...

I was smiling during all reading. A really amusing story!

goldNboi7 said...

Judy sounds like my type of girl lol

Mommy Trouble said...

That was wonderfully hilarious. I am a happy drunk too but I don't know that I have ever kissed my waiter/ress on the (ANYTHING).. fat tips though - they do happen :)

CDS said...

Just started reading today. Happy to have found you as I "LOL-ed" quite a bit at the tale of Ms. Judy!

The Ennis Reviewer said...

cool :-)

Levonne said...

Thanks for that story. You hardly ever hear anything sweet about a big drinker. Its refreshing and I hardly drink at all!

West Coast Beach Wife said...

At least you know that kiss was heavily sterilized. Way to rock the stemware, Judy!

Anonymous said...

Repent or Perish

Martin said...

Reminds me of things I've seen as a waiter, and things I've done as a customer. All are very long stories. If the Bitch asks, I'll tell one of them.

Dreaming in Red White and Blue said...

Loved it!

Donda said...

Classic!! You have a hilarious take on things! I love the wine and I too get the stink eye so I am liking Judy Drunkle! I hope she visits your establishment again real soon!

Henna said...

its really cool the way you write, you are absolutelty right that one should drink only if they can hold their glass and maintain themselves or there is no need to embaress yourself and others too

web said...

I think I'm her sponsor.

Gillian said...

I just love your blog....its so kewl...Gotta love New York

Oh yeah and congrats on your Blogs of Note.

A DaftScotsLass

drivewayscontractors said...

I can relate to this scenario from back when I worked for a living. I was often surprised by how profoundly wrong my first impression of customers was after I watched them transform from classy and maybe even snotty to drunk and crazy.

Those were the days. Now I research stuff and try to share what I find with others, like at drivewaycontractors.blogspot.com.

Like I said. It beats working for a living like you do.

Kacey Prime said...

haha. This is too funny - I used to serve too... OH the things you see and the people youll meet!

EnnKay said...

Very well written and funny!

dirtydisher said...

I wish I was a McDrunkity. Dammit, I never learned to drink. I have a prescription though.

JennySchu. said...

Mmmm, this sounds like me sometimes. The knitting in public stops at about glass 4...
Would you say the too-much-wine people are better or worse than the too-much-beer or liquor people?

Hope said...

To the bitchy waiter,
I have to admit, I LOVE your blog..
while i definatly dont claim to be an expert in this area, my entire family has been exposed to the food and restaurant industry from a very young age. the truth is, many people dont know what kind of turmoil goes on behind the scenes! you seem like youve got feet on both sides; both siding with the customer within reason and remaining true to the unwritten laws of being a waitor/waitress!
nicely done! lol. :)

the_happy_hausfrau said...

Super funny.

I thought I was the only person on this continent who hated Blindside?? Good to know I'm not alone.

Queen of the Rant said...

Completely unrelated but I want to tell people to follow me like you have in the post, what is the link, where did you find it? please help if you can, thanks so much and I love your blog!

TheOpenRose said...

hey i want to follow you i love your blogs...how do i go about doing that???