Please Drink Responsibly. But Only if You Really Want To

No one is a bigger fan of enjoying a cocktail than I am. There is absolutely nothing wrong with catching a good buzz and using alcohol as a social lubricant. Why just last night I had two Mojitos. And a couple of days before that I had two mimosas, two margaritas, a berry cosmo and a pomegranate martini. Of course I spread that out over a good amount of time so as not to become Punch Drunk Judy. However, Punch Drunk Judy did make an appearance in my station recently and she was a lovely lovely woman. A lovely wino of a woman I shall call Judy McDrunkity Drunk.

At the club, everyone must have their two drink minimum throughout the course of the hour and ten minute show. For some teetotalers it takes quite a bit of effort to suck down two gimlets every 35 minutes. But not for Judy McDrunkity Drunk. She sat down and ordered a glass of wine. She was very sweet. I brought her first glass of Pinot Grigio and went on my merry way to get the rest of the drink orders before the show started. A few minutes later she gave me that arched eyebrow look that said she wanted my attention. I went to her table and she cocked her head with a smile and lightly tapped the rim of her empty wine glass. She was ready for round two before the show had even started. I love when that happens. I took her drink to her and since I could hardly reach her table because of the crowd, she stood up and reached forward for it and took it from me. She was being helpful. When she ordered a third glass of wine and stood up to take it from me, this time it didn't seem as helpful as it seemed desperate for the sweet nectar of the grape. A while later, I got the arched eyebrow look again, but this time it wasn't so much that her eyebrows were arched but more like her eyeballs were sagging. I took glass number four and thought surely she must be done now because the show is almost over. Nope. This time her husband ordered it for her. I assumed she longer had the ability to allow her appendages to function. I was proven wrong when I brought her glass number five and she popped right up and reached over the table to wrap her bony thirsty fingers around the stem of the glass.

The show ended a few minutes after that and I passed out checks. I thought for certain that checks weren't the only thing that was going to be passed out that night, but Judy was happy as a clam. Seemed totally fine and loved the show. Of course, she loved the show. After an entire bottle of wine even The Blindside (starring Oscar® winner Sandra Bullock) is enjoyable. The check was paid and I was at the computer closing out my cash when I saw her walking towards me on her way out.

"Good night," I said. "Thanks for coming. I hope you enjoyed the show."

Judy focused her glassy eyes on me and came right up to my face and proclaimed, "I loved it! And thank you so much." She pressed her lips to my cheek, kissed the hell out of it and walked out of the club with her husband. I was left with a really great tip and a really wet face from the lips of a wino named Judy McDrunkity Drunk.

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