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Monday, June 7, 2010

The Patio is a Pain in the Ass

This is a re-post of something I wrote last summer, but it being summer, its time has come again.

Let me tell you about waiting tables on a patio: it sucks. My restaurant has a patio in the summer and people knock themselves over to get one of those crappy little two-tops next to a busy Manhattan street. It's not relaxing out there, that's for sure. Sirens, buses, homeless people watching you eat french toast? Why bother? But people love it. But what really annoys the fuck out of me is when someone complains that it's too hot or too windy. Oh okay, let me stop the wind for you, lady.

Someone today waited twenty minutes for a table on the patio/dirty sidewalk. After they rearranged the tables to suit their needs they called me over and said the sun was too bright. I asked the sun to stop shining, but that bitch didn't want to cooperate so then they wanted to move. I reminded them that we are in fact outside which tends to have sun and told them that the entire inside of the restaurant was shaded if they wanted to move their gloober-globber asses inside. Of course they didn't. They wanted to move the table somewhere else making it almost impossible for me to walk around them, but sure. Whatever makes my customers happy is what I want. Uh huh. They also tipped me $7.00 on $62.00. Assholes. I hope they get a touch of melanoma from their three minutes in the bright sun.

Another time a lady freaked the fuck out because she saw a rat on the sidewalk. It's a sidewalk. In New York City. That's where rats live. Be thankful the rat didn't pull up a chair and order a Bloody Mary and ask for separate checks.

Another time a lady called me over because a gnat had flown into her mimosa and she wanted another glass. This very thing happened just a few days ago. I personally think that drowning in a mimosa is a pretty good way to go, but whatever. It's a gnat. Who cares? Fish it out and continue drinking. I read somewhere once that we eat about a pound of bugs a year and don't even know it because they get in our food all the time. I told her this, but she didn't like that factoid. I took her mimosa inside and pulled the bug out of her drink with my impeccably clean hands. I then poured her drink into a new glass and gave it back to her. She should have been more specific and asked for another drink and not just another glass.

I hate working on the patio.


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43 comments:

Lynn Sponagle said...

You're hilarious! I love your attitude and your blog.

Chrissy said...

I will never understand why people kill for those sidewalk tables? I agree smoke, exhaust, flies, people walking by coughing on your food....guess they want to be NOTICED? or hoping someone w/a camera will click a pic of them?? attention whores come to mind.

Joanna said...

yeah " the salad is too green ", hate it. hah i totaly agree with Chrissy!

California Girl said...

I worked in a coffee shop while in college. Staff was hilarious. We bitched and moaned about the customers. Sunday night was "Squares Night"; square dancers came in attired in bouffant skirts with net petticoats, guys in string ties, cowboy boots & skinny jeans. They were a pretty good bunch. I once carded a young minister then accidentally tipped over the pitcher of beer he'd ordered on him. I was so embarrassed. He tipped me anyway. My biggest problem was the oldest waitress. She hated all the pretty young things working there. I still remember her name, Janine. She was French and mean.

We had lots of bugs in the salad mixings which they kept in a large garbage can in the kitchen. I have been philosophical about kitchens ever since. Our cooks were pigs: dirty fingernails and B.O. like you wouldn't believe.

This is a long time ago but I remember it as tho' it were yesterday. I still have a very close friend from those days. Ah, youth. You'll look back some day and laugh.

Alexa O said...

"gloober-glober asses!" I love it!

I have had people complain to me about the prices, which, while not exactly the same as complaining about the sun, is equally out of my control.

I looked at one guy and said, "Really? I'm wearing a name tag and an ugly ass tie. Do you think I make ANY of the decisions around here?"

insert sexy/eyecatching name here said...

Drowning in a mimosa would be the best way to go. That is all.

JumpIt said...

I don't live in the city, but I have pet rats - and let me tell you, those suckers are beyond ballsy. They'd probably be stealing fries off the ladies plate if they could.

Queen of the Rant said...

I love your blog, but completely unrelated, I just started bloggin and want to tell people to follow me like you have at the end of your post, can you help me, how do I find the address to post?
Thanks for any help you can give me,

lisa6801 said...

lol....i feel your pain! I used to be a waitress and you truely meet the biggest assholes on the planet while waiting on tables!
You bust your ass for those fuckers; getting them extra this, and moving that, and reheating this only for them to leave you a few bucks. And you know damn well they are loaded!

Sally said...

Hilarious and incredibly true, although in England we have less of the 'it's too sunny' comments!

Donda said...

Can't they just pull you down off your cross so you can control the weather?? LOL BTW...the mystery of your gender is driving me crazy :)

Meandu said...

As an ex-waitress I too know that customers can sometimes seem to be a terrible pain. But where would a waitress/waiter be without them.

Brian Miller said...

yeah, it sounds painful...a pound of bugs...yick! i like sitting outside but if you are gonna do it you got to know what to expect...

trippingtiffies said...

You think EXACTLY like I do. I love it.

Cloudless Sulphur said...

Lollolrof, your a sick bitch, I love it.

Dr. Heckle said...

HAHA! Yes, she should have been more specific. She got what she deserved! I have to admit that I like eating outside. Just the other day, we ate outside at at restaurant on a lake. Yeah, it was cold and windy but the view is amazing. And I sure as hell am not going to complain about the wind or sun when I'm the one who chose to eat outside! People are ridiculous!

covert said...

rolf! you are very right indeed. though ive never been to new york i can certainly imagine what its like. love the blog

Marcia said...

You should probably get out of customer service. Clearly you are highly unhappy.

Brenda Susan said...

Hey I am following you for 2 reasons today...
You are a "Blog of Note!" pretty cool!
And I am so happy to find a blog that is not about kids or pets.
Yay! I'll be back!

What do I know? said...

wow, that was very interesting and funny it, gave me a good laugh, nice blog...

tanya said...

I worked my way through college as a waiter / cocktail waitress....you're blog is PERFECT! I roared with laughter over the patio post. Seriously. To this day I tip 40% or more because I know that for every good table, there are 5 that treat you like crap!

Florence said...

Ah! That was hilarious; I enjoyed it. Thanks!

Mannix said...

LMFAO! I truly wish you had a reality show camera following you around recording all of your actual thoughts on camera and/or berating customers as necessary.

It would be priceless!

.Love.Struck. said...

Random commenter- Yep, that's food service for you. People can be real assholes. Why someone complains about mother nature is beyond me. I used to serve in Newport Beach, CA . . . agh those people were so fussy. Worse than a newborn, but at least newborns have a reason to be. People can never be happy, they always have to complain about something when they sit outside.

Danielle said...

You are too funny! Love your blog!

Will Doohan said...

Your very funny. I'd probably last about an hour being a waiter cause the comments you make sound like what I would say to the customers. "Lemme turn down the brightness of the sun for ya!" :D :D :D

I agree about the sidewalk in NYC thing to. I've walked past those and could never figure out who the hell would want to sit there.

And your not bitchy, your just intelligent. Which is difficult when your in a menial job. (I've been there.) They expect you to be this cheerful smiling idiot like that lady in the Progressive insurance commercials. "Wee, I'm so happy, there paying me 10$ an hour and treating me like shit! I'm in heaven!"

As Drew Carry once said "Oh, your underpaid and you hate your job? Well join the club. It's called everyone and we meet at the bar on Friday."

Peaches said...

I just love your way of writing hilarious and you are so right, great how you stick up with your job

nance Thacker said...

Love your blog! Can so relate as I did a lot of waitressing, but I wasn't a bitchy one just a lousy one. You really see a different side of people when you wait on tables; an eye opening experience! If everyone did it at least once in their life maybe there'd be more considerate customers.
My pet peeves were strollers being rocked back and forth between the tables and this guy who'd grab my arm, while I was carrying a tray full of food, to get my attention even after I'd acknowledged him.
Thanks for the memories :)

Настя said...

Вау,а мне нравится! =)

queen_carley said...

FUCK CUSTOMERS!! OMG! I love this blog!

Neil said...

Personally, in the summer, I too love to eat outside - so I'm probably one of THOSE people you hate... on the other hand if I'm eating outside, I'm not about to complain about the sun, wind or even the rats - it was my choice right? and I'm Canadian - we're way to polite.

Medsy Pye said...

I am also a waitress and I know exactly how you feel... The general public are a pain in the ass. We don't have a patio but I constantly get people complaining about the sun coming through the windows, don't want to be blinded? DON'T SIT THERE! I'm not closing the blinds for you.

Medsy Pye said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charlie Rain said...

I found you off of "blog of note" & I decided that I'm keeping you ... yes, keeping you! You're way too adorable and your posts far past being funny because they are Hilarious with a capital "H" !!!! I'm still "lol"ing, I'm not sure if I can say that, but hey you get it.

Lucille said...

you are hilarious. ditto lynn sponagle.

Steve said...

Another comment from a newer reader, fellow server/blogger: gotta love the crappy tipping... my co-workers say it's because Oprah said (a while back) that it's okay to tip 10%. Screw you Oprah, you rich... never mind...

muffin said...

So funny! And I have been accosted twice by the homeless while sitting on the patio, but never complained.
There's just some people that you cannot please. You cannot even align the sun where it won't be in their face so just keep doin' what you do!

ssu said...

Awesome!!!!!

Kacey Prime said...

"She saw a rat, on the sidewalk... in NYC"

Hilarious. Don't you just want to kill people sometimes? Serving has made me so cynical. Shame the money is so addicting, eh?

mint+marquez said...

I read somewhere once that we eat about a pound of bugs a year and don't even know it because they get in our food all the time.

That is... gross, and you are incredible.

anne29065013110366 said...

love the new glass bit!

cheers

CrazyAssDreams said...

I always loved it when people would complain if there was "grit" on the tables. Really? You didn't think sitting along a busy street with car wheels spitting up dust would have an effect on your dining experience? Thank you for putting into words what I've ALWAYS felt about this!!!! I love it!

thehlesswonder said...

I'm not really sure I have the words to express how much I agree with you. I hate the patio with an intense and fiery passion. "Oh, no, it's too hot out here to have two courses. I'm just going to have an appetizer and a glass of water and take up space for two hours. My bill will only be about twelve dollars but you're going to run your ass off serving me because I'm going to need a refill on the water every five minutes because it's so darn hot out here. Goodness, no, why would I want to sit inside in the lovely air conditioning? I'd much rather stay out here listening to the sirens and breathing in the exhaust fumes, and of course I like to see you run around sweating in your long-sleeved shirt. Oh, look, my friend is coming, I'm just going to move this table over here next to me so we have more space." I hate the patio. HATE IT.