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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Free Corned Beef Hash

We all know that restaurant managers have one thing on their minds and it’s the bottom line. Oh, wait and internet porn while sitting in the office (shout out to Enrique). So two things. But the main thing is making money for the restaurant which is why they are always on our asses about selling more desserts and top shelf liquor instead of that cheap ass McCormick shit that I drink. As previously noted, I don’t really care about that shit because I know that plenty of people are going to leave me a five dollar tip whether their bill is $25 or $30. But managers are always trying to figure out a way to make us sell more shit and one way that they do it is tempt us with a prize. Anyone else familiar with this drill?

Manager: Alright, listen up. Our special of the day is corned beef hash and I want to get rid of all of it. Whichever server can sell the most corned beef hash will get a free corned beef hash. Ya hear that? A free corn beef hash. Now let’s get out there and let's sell some corned beef hash!

Seriously? I need so much more incentive than free corned beef hash. Or a free dessert. Sometimes the prize is some promotional t-shirt that a liquor company gave the restaurant. Wow, I was wondering where in the hell I could ever find a Captain Morgan Rum t-shirt, thanks. Now if they offered a free cocktail, then maybe but usually I have one of those anyway in a paper cup next to the cappuccino machine. If the prize was a bottle of tequila, then I might be inclined to try a little harder. But if they really want to encourage me to sell extra food there are a few things they could do that would light a fire under my ass. How about whoever sells the most corned beef hash gets a paid day off? Or no sidework? Or a free pass the next time you call some bitch a bitch? How about a crisp twenty dollar bill? I will do pretty much anything for twenty bucks. I’m not proud of some of the things I have done for twenty dollars, but by God, money is money. Or maybe if I sell the most corned beef hash they can promise me that I will never have to sell corned beef hash again. That is some nasty shit. I think I don’t like it because it has such a dumb name. Who wants beef that’s been corned and then chopped into hash? What the fuck is “corned” anyway? (And in the background Carol Channing says from a bathroom stall, “When did I have corned… beef hash?”)

So what have we learned about incentives for selling contests? We have learned that the best way to encourage servers to do what managers want is for managers to put out some cold hard cash in our hands. Keep your food and drinks and corned beef cash. Take that free Patron Tequila wine opener and shove it where the agave plant don’t shine. If you want me to sell the most of something, I want money.

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16 comments:

Anonymous said...

from the looks of the picture, YOU WON!! YIPPEE for corned beef hash with no cash.

Bill Fulton said...

You tell it like it is, bitchy waiter!

Dez said...

Good humour dude

"...if I sell the most corned beef hash they can promise me that I will never have to sell corned beef hash again. "

Anonymous said...

I'm going to print this up, and tape it to my manager's office door!!!

Levonne said...

Bitchy Waiter, you are too dang funny! Yet again! How does your mind come up with this stuff? I love it. If I were you manager, I'd give you cash as the incentive! Happy Father's Day!

Lolamouse said...

You were probably one of those kids who never gave a damn whether or not you got a sticker for behaving in school either--little demon!

The Ranter's Box said...

What every verbally repressed waiter around the globe is really wanting to say to their wanker of a boss! Love it!!!

ICSillyPeople said...

I remember one time when my millionaire restaurant owner/boss and his flunky mgrs had a contest where we servers had to asked customers for donations. Get this: Our city was making a statue of Art Rooney(Original Steeler owner) who was famous for always having a cigar in his face. The statue was to be made without the cigar. Well my boss thought that was a travesty. Art should have the cigar!!! So, he wanted to give the money to the Steeler organization so they would add the cigar to the statue. AND so he would probably get free season tickets he was hoping!!! Imagine a millionaire "giving" a donation to other millionaires .... OMFG!!!!
ANYWAYS ... there was money collected (I never knew how much), never given to the Steelers at the big press conference boss was undoubtly envisioning AND no contest winner for collecting the most was ever announced!!!!!

GasStation Cappuccino said...

First, I like corned beef hash. My husband makes burritos out of it, but I just eat with mayo on wheat bread. A little salt and a diet coke... YUM.

But who the hell orders it in a restaurant. And aren't you in New York? Who the hell orders it in NEW YORK? Good grief.

pilgrimchick said...

I COMPLETELY hear you on this one. I remember being reviewed while a hostess at a local Olive Garden. I was 18 years old, and I was actually penalized for not pushing alcohol when I sat customers by suggesting a drink. My argument? Excuse me, but the people I sit at the table may be recovering alcoholics, and I would prefer NOT to have to bring a manager to a table of irate customers after suggesting a Long Island Iced Tea.

littlewings11 said...

You couldn't get me to eat or serve corned beef hash if my life depended on it. I am a lab tech and we use that stuff to make fake poop for our controls on poop testing. I have a pretty strong stomach but there is a line and corned beef hash crosses it. With any luck you'll now think about poop to everytime you see it too! BTW I love your blog!

Luckie said...

Corned beef hash?! That shit is nasty. I'd work a lot harder if the prize was like...a happy meal or a free trampoline.

Brittany said...

Corned beef hash always looks like throw up to me. It's disgusting.

Ing said...

Good lad; I just quit after 12 years as a restaurant manager, and I always had a cocktail by the cappuccino machine.. oh and my direct superior got fired for looking at porn. You rule- carry on the good work.

Queen of the Rant said...

ewwww, does your come out of a can? How the heck do you sell that- sir would you like some canned corned beef hash that resembles puke?

witchybaiter said...

I usually think you're kind of an asshole, Bitchy Waiter, but God bless you for making me think of Carol Channing taking a shit.