One year ago today, my life was forever changed. November 18, 2010 will be a day I will always look back on as one that shifted the course of my life and pointed me to where I am today, for one year ago was when Lispy Gay took me down to his office at the Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named and fired my ass for hurting his feelings. I mean, fired me because I had "scheduling issues." Why, I remember it like it was yesterday; my shift was winding down and I had just completed the last of my sidework when I was told that I needed to be seen in the office. It had only been 18 days since my orientation but already I was sick of that fucking place. My plan was to work through the holidays and then quit that bitch, but they beat me to the punch. I had blogged a lot about the place but never once did I mention the name of the restaurant, its location or the names of anyone I worked with. Also, I never breathed a word about it to anyone there. Suddenly though, a commenter named "Penelope" started to threaten that she knew who I was and that I was writing about the place that she worked as well. For reasons I never understood, she forwarded the blog to the mangers who in turn fired my ass despite me being "a cool guy who just doesn't fit the vibe." If the vibe of that place was "We all have sticks up our assholes" then they were right. For the first time in my life, I had been fired. Thankfully, I had kept my unemployment claim open and they saved me the trouble of scratching out "I quit" on a bev nap. I skipped outta that place with my head held high and headed right to a bar for a celebratory cocktail. The next morning I slept late and filed for unemployment.
But I often wonder about the people I worked with. Who was "Penelope?" Do any of those people read this blog and not realize they once worked with me? How many of them are still there? Despite the numerous awards and accolades the restaurant has received, do customers have any idea that the mood there is not good and it's one of the worst places I have ever worked? The managers all had such strong personalities (read: bitches) and I imagine what they are up today, one year later. Hmmm, let me see...
Lispy Gay: Continues to work at The Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named. He has repainted the office walls a bright fuchsia that compliments his vocal inflection. In his spare time, he devotes his energy to finding other waiters who are "cool guys but just don't fit the vibe" so that he can crush their hopes and dreams of working at the lamest restaurant in the whole entire fucking city.
Holly Hobbie: Has since left the restaurant industry and opened her own vintage clothing store where everything is made out of old patchwork quilts that Grandmas across the land deemed too ugly to do anything with. Holly makes sweater vests out of them and adds extra pockets so that she always has plenty of storage to carry her lemons which continuously fall out of her ass. She is still a bitch but now she is her own boss and she is trying to deal with the fact that even though she loves herself, her boss is a cunt.
Linda Evans: Has appeared on several dating reality shows in the hopes of finding that one true love; or a rich guy, whatever. She briefly dated a Jersey Shore cast member but was dumped when she wore something that Snooki thought was tasteless. She is currently developing a new reality show called Uggs Are Tired. On the show, women are forced into rehabilitation for their addiction to Uggs boots until they realize that they are the ugliest fucking shoes on the face of the planet. Linda herself has over one hundred pair because she feels that they hide her cankles.
Porcelain Doll: Is still at the restaurant. She spent three months undergoing facial reconstruction surgery when she accidentally smiled and it cracked her face open, revealing that underneath was a whole new level of bitch face. Lucky for her, she has no feelings in her face so it was not painful. She slapped some more makeup on it thinking it would eventually heal, but her co-workers finally convinced her to see a doctor because her face looked like fucking hell. She still only makes mashed potatoes for famous people like Katy Perry.
One year later, I am so happy to not work there. I get the heebie jeebies when I have to walk by the place and the one time I saw Holly Hobbie in public and I got heart palpitations. In the year that has passed, The Bitchy Waiter plugs along and so do I. Am I glad that I don't work there anymore? Hell, yes. Am I glad that I had the experience? Absolutely, because my book will have a whole chapter dedicated to it and they can't do a thing about it because I never say the name of that horrible shit hole. Fuck you, The Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named.
You know I will be on CBS Sunday Morning on 11/20, right?
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