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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Holly Hobbie Has a Stick Up Her Ass

You know the old saying that you never get a second chance to make a first impression? Well, such is the case with a couple of people at my new job. I have a manager who we shall refer to as Alexandria who made a very strong first impression on my first day at the job and that impression would be one of true ice queen bitch from fucking hell. What is it with restaurant managers who think they are so superior to everyone else?

So it was my first shift meeting and I am getting bombarded with all kinds of information that either I don't understand or don't give a shit about. And then Alexandria had something to say. Let me paint a picture of her so you can imagine what I have to look at. She dresses like Holly Hobbie grew up and started shopping at Anthropologie and she put on a special outfit for a Stevie Nicks concert. She wears glasses on the tip of her nose, all the better to peer over them in a condescending manner. She must have a lemon stuck up her ass, because her face is in perpetual sourpuss mode and she has a stick up there too which must have gotten there when she was trying to extract that piece of citrus fruit from her bunghole. You know what they say: when life gives you lemons, you shove it up your asshole. I don't like her. So she says, "Okay, so during opening side work this morning, someone thought they would put their iPod into our system and listen to their own music. That is not acceptable. The music that is played in here also plays in the mezzanine of our neighboring store." (We share a space with a fancy retail store.) "Not okay." Then another manager (we'll call him Lispy Gay) says, "Yeth. Now at night I thimply don't thay anything becauth the sthore ith clothed. But during the day, we abtholutely cannot do that." Now my thought was this: if you allow it at night and have never told anyone that it is not alright to do during the day, how in the hell is anyone supposed to know that vital piece of information? Then Alexandria, pulls the iPod from her crocheted vest pocket and asks who it belongs to. A server raised his hand and apologized. "Don't let it happen again," she hissed. And then she tossed the iPod across the bar and let it bounce a few times before coming to rest in front of the vilified server. She threw it. Was there a reason for that shit? It was an honest mistake and she could have broken the fucking iPod just because she wanted to toss her authority around. All of the servers said a collective "oooh" when it hit the bar. Alexandria pushed her glasses back up her nose and then readjusted in her bar stool presumably to see if it was time for the lemon to fall out of her ass hole. It's not time. And it never will be time. That lemon is there for eternity.

As I have mentioned before, I will not be telling anyone there about this blog so I can continually rake them over the coals without them knowing about it. Stay tuned for more first impressions of Lispy Gay, another bitch manager we will call Linda Evans and anyone else who gets on my fucking nerves. A new crappy job may be the best thing that could have happened for this tired ass blog.

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20 comments:

Anonymous said...

You certainly have hit the gold mine in terms of good stuff for the blog.

You are not alone in suffering under bad management. I know a certain forty-something director of catering for a large establishment who dresses like those frumpy Madame Alexander dolls with too much straw blonde blunt cut hair and dreadful bangs, scary pale make up underneath heavy rouged cheeks and pursed ruby red lips. She manages like a mother, using guilt and disapproval rather than clear instruction and encouragement. Her employees hate her, but like a sunflower showing its beautiful petals upward, her upper management see only positive sunshiney goodness, while her workers see a spikey and thorny underside.

Anonymous said...

Re: "What is it with restaurant managers who think they are so superior to everyone else?"

Uh, BW, it's because they are superior - otherwise they wouldn't be restaurant managers.

Miranda said...

loved how you spelled out the lisp. one of my favourite posts yet!

Maryam said...

Haha! I am so looking forward to getting to know more about these people!

Clear thinking said...

Very excited for this new turn, in the blog!!! Best of luck. I'm thinking she is a perfect Candidate for the Ipod on the flyer type prank!!!

Kara Hoag said...

My favorite is when they speak to me like I am in Kindergarten. I'm still debating if it's appropriate to tell them that I might be more intelligent based on the fact that I have two college degrees and they barely (if at all) made it out of high school.

Not true for all managers but I have a few that I would like to put that on a post-it and punch them in the face with it.

karahoag.blogspot.com

Noelle said...

To: Anonoymous

Restaurant managers, superior or not sometimes not, really don't have to treat the floor whores aka service staff (rude comment but i still love it)as if they are so far beneath.

Servers lots of times make more money have less responsibility and work less hours. Managers are just plain unpopular because they have to delegate duties and relay the good and the bad news. Good managers walk the tight rope have cocktails with staff after work let them vent about customers and other staff. Then back on the clock for more bossing and delegating not to mention the countless duties of paperwork, phones, ordering, inventory, hiring, firing. No Superiority involved. Just managing.
Bad managers just don't get it can't juggle it and have insecure,giant egos. And can be fun to fuck with been on both sides.

Looking forward to the next installment of this saga. Bitch on!

Peregrin said...

Wonderful rant. You ought to know, though, that you find these type in workplaces other than food service. I'm in third-tier computer support and can't seem to get away from them.

Donda said...

I don't know...I kinda like Lispy Gay!

Maria said...

To Anonymous @ 3:20:

A lot of managers think they are superior AS HUMAN BEINGS because they have a superior POSITION. That is never the case (hint: if you believe you are a superior HUMAN BEING, you're a lousy one).

Theoretically, a manager is someone with the skill set to keep things moving smoothly and solve problems. In practice, most of them are simply better at manipulating others and sucking up to upper management.

I hope that clears things up for you.

G said...

I think that you'll see this type of manager no matter if you work in the public or private sector.

You just gotta listen for something that actually makes sense, discard the rest and do your job to the best of your abilities.

dirtydisher said...

Find out which one you can hump and then hold it over their head. Heh heh.

Jeff said...

Restaurant managers are superior because they get their lemons WHOLESALE!

Ela said...

Sounds like a total cunt. Good luck.

Mary A. said...

Lispy Gay should definately get her own segment.

Is the lisp on purpose? Just in case someone didn't understand he was gay?

Mary A. said...

Oh, and Anon? Know who are not Superior? Pussies who refuse to sign their posts.

Love,

Mary A. www.giftoffat.com

Anonymous said...

Mary A and Maria:

You two girls seem to be confused about what I was actually saying: if someone is a boss in a restaurant, and someone else employed by that restaurant is under the boss's direction, the boss is "superior". Try to leave your emotions out of this. If possible.

Mrs. Hyde said...

That lisp is fucking hilarious! As soon as I read, "Yeth" that was it for me. I don't even remember what the rest of the post was about. Can't wait for the next one.

Mannix said...

You got me LOL-ing big time over here, Bitchy! Keep these blogs coming and I'll keep reading. Oh! And let us know if that piece of citrus fruit falls out of her ass.

Anonymous said...

When life give you a cow, make meat juice...